"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
The eleventh step of Alcoholics Anonymous. (If you didn't already know that) I went to a meeting tonight for the first time in months. Something inside me told me to go and I excitedly waiting 12:30 to get here to do just that. Of course, it was an amazing meeting, and I heard a hundred things I needed to hear (that's usually how it goes when you really "feel" like you jsut need to be there). Some things were stuff I needed to be reminded of and others it was just confirmation of what I had already been doing or feeling.
As I opened my mouth the words came from somewhere other than myself. I realized that I've sought a place of quiet stillness my entire life (meditation). Whether it was getting so drunk I couldn't move or think or talk, or eating until I was in a food induced coma-like state laying in my bed thinking only of how full I was, or cutting until the endorphins made my body collapse and sleep... it all ended the same way. By myself in a utter stillness, without thought. Exactly what my soul craved, but my mind didn't know how to give. These days I skip all that bullshit; I don't need it anymore, and that is the miracle. An awareness that what we seek can be found in the absence of self-destruction and have the ability easily skip over that part of it entirely to sit comfortably in silence with ourselves and God. There is more gratitude for this, than I can possible express here.
This is suppose to be my beautiful transition, but apparently that wasn't an important part of this blog...so moving on...
My ego is not out to kill me, I do not live in fear of my ego. It is simply unaware, ignorant. I have compassion for ignorance and lack of awareness. I can Love that part of me. If I am to be able to fully and unconditionally love myself, I must love my ego as well. Because no matter what it is still part of me. It cannot be ignored or destroyed. Acceptance is always the answer. It's like when you give someone permission to do something, they have no desire to do it, the thrill has been taken away... My ego has been my biggest help in teaching me about myself. It has been my guide to going inward into the darkest parts of me that I had no desire to see. How often do we get angry at ourselves or "our ego's" for causing pain and chaos... only to realize our some of our most valued lessons sprung from that? My ego has desperately (and ignorantly) attempted to guard me from pain and suffering, yet had no idea that when cutting me off from everything to protect me, it also cut me off from the good, from God. It didn't know any better. It's said that God is everything or he is nothing, that He is the ultimate creator. If a + b = c, then God had a hand in creating my ego... and who am I to hate anything that was created by The Man himself? If I am to love as God loves, I choose to love my ego. Because I choose wholeness. Going to any end of the spectrum creates blind spots... There is always a balance trying to be achieved, always.
For me that's exactly what it's about, balance and awareness. It's about never forgetting, always asking for help, and carrying out God's will for me so I may help others. It's about being grateful for the miracle that is my life which is now lived free of drugs, alcohol, or any other kind of self-medication attempts or self-destructive behaviors. Some people call that recovery, I just call it Love. I'm living in Love.
Namaste,
Dottie
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