Learning to Feel Again

Good morning.

It is pretty well known amongst my close friends that I "am not a crier."  I just don't cry often, actually I cry rarely.  There have been many times in my life when all I wanted to do was cry and I couldn't.  When people get angry at me I smile, and sometimes laugh.  Not out of disrespect, but because that is my reaction.  I can "feel bad" and know that I'm feeling guilt, but do I really FEEL IT?  This is the question/thought I've been exploring for the last couple weeks. 

So here I am right now, with my tea, starting at the clock that says 12:28 pm.... I ask myself what do I FEEL, right now?  My first thought is "a lot actually," but we want feelings not thoughts.  What do I feel? I feel rushed, angry, anxious, physically uncomfortable, frustrated... that's all I can name right now. Would you know this by seeing me right now? NOPE. Would anyone? Nope. A smile just came across my face. My typical reaction to feeling uncomfortable. God forbid I show anyone my human emotions, I'm getting angry at myself. OH,  I also feel guilt. We'll go into all of this in a moment...

I feel rushed because my NEED right now is to journal/blog so I can grow as a person, yet this is what's going on in my head... "You've got thirty minutes before you have to get in the shower. In that thirty minutes you have to eat breakfast. What about walking? Are you gonna walk? You haven't walked in a while. Maybe you'd feel better if you walked.AND you're gonna blog? Do you even have time to blog?" In writing it out it seems like so much less than what it was, lol. I've already meditated this morning so that's not an issue.

I feel anger because I woke up at 9am and went back to sleep. I wasn't tired I just thought it was too early to be up, what the fuck was I gonna do for 4 hours on a Sunday? Well I DID plan on going grocery shopping. So now I'm angry because I didn't go grocery shopping because I chose to go back to sleep. That's twice I changed my mind about grocery shopping, and I want to go to Kroger's because they have a better organic food supply and they won't be open when I get off work. So I'm kicking myself in the ass. I'm also angry because I feel rushed, because it's my fault I'm rushed.

I feel anxious because I feel rushed.  I'm feeling so much right now it's overwhelming which causes me anxiety. It's all a vicious cycle really.

Physically uncomfortable.... I feel this because my muscles are sore from working out with my trainer two days ago and doing yoga yesterday. However, this uncomfortableness is welcomed :) lol Mainly it's because I have to pee, and it's my lucky lady week. So phsyically I feel bloated, yucky, and blah. So it is true the hormones from this could be provoking the feelings of anger and anxiety. Like I said, I'm just exploring this to see where this fucking rabbit hole is going...

Guilt.  Why guilt? Because I didn't go grocery shopping and now my cat doesn't have food. :( I can't explain to him that I'll pick some up later. Then I become frustrated because my wallet is two states away including my license and debit/credit cards, so writing a check is my only option which few ppl will take without my license. This guilt quicly turns to anger when he's sitting 2 feet away from me looking at me so sad meowing, but why anger? because I feel so fucking bad. Because if I would have gotten my ass up this morning, and went to the damn grocery store.... I wouldn't feel rushed, I would have had time to walk, and my cat would have had food.

A part of me is wondering why the hell I'm even blogging about this.... I guess because I need to get this shit out. I need to release and let go.... and I type much faster than I write lol... basically boils down to this, THIS is for me, if it helps someone else GREAT if not, that's okay too. ;)

So what now? After idendtifying a PROBLEM... I like to identify a potential SOLUTION...

ugh... I got sidetracked... right now I'm thinking.... make a schedule and stick to it... let's see how that works.

Love & Light
Dottie :)