About 7 weeks ago, I decided to totally and completely let go of a relationship I had been yearning for, chasing, and desperately trying to create for the last 8 months. In deciding, I was in love with myself, him, and okay with what was, things shifted so drastically I felt I was watching a movie. I decided that wanting more created a void and fueled a deep rooted thought of "I'm not whole, complete... more is needed to help me feel at peace." Which is so very far from the truth. Within me lies everything I would ever "need" because within me is the Light of God, and that is an all encompassing being. I embodied the thoughts of "if he calls, great, if he doesn't, great" "If I see him fine, if not, that's okay too"... what happens is exactly what is suppose to happen. It wasn't a convincing myself of a lie, it was a ... "this thought brings me deep rooted peace, and this is what I'm going with..." The reality of the situation was this, I cannot make him be or give me more that what he chooses to, my attempts at doing so fester anxiety, anger, and frustration. ALONG WITH, feelings of not being "good enough", failure, and hurt once I relinquish my attempts at shaping him into what I expect or think I want in that moment. Acceptance of what is, and loving that which is, fills my life with the purest form of Love that we all seek in the first place, yet can never be found within another person. It is our own personal brand of Love... all that we are, all that we will be, have been... and all we will ever know and need. The antidote to all that which we percieve as painful. Fostering and adding to this Love and merging it with someone else who has also embraced THEIR own Love, allows both of you to dance within the warmest Light of all thus co-creating a secondary, more powerful, shared Love which transcends that which the mind can understand.
A few days ago I apparently began to impose my hopes (which is a candy-coated expression of fear), my expectations (which no one can ever meet, including myself lol), and my desire to manipulate the situation to bring about what I thought I wanted in that moment. Yesterday, I realized this. So, when we talked about his feelings for her that were developing rapidly I had to spend the next 4 hours siphering through my thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. Because I didn't know how to feel anymore. Shouldn't this hurt me? Does this hurt me? If I'm not hurting does this mean I don't really love him? Have I totally shut down, so I can't feel anything? Am I REALLY happy for him? I'm smiling, I'm not angry at him. What is going on inside of me? I asked myself a hundred or more questions, some difficult to ask, let alone answer, along with my best friend who's not afraid to help me see the truth even if it may hurt. There were no tears, there were no lies, there was no pain. Just open and willing hearts ready to know that which truly is, the reality of the situation based on the simplest, most unmistakable terms.
Which we decided was this... I am in Love with him, yet he is pursuring a relationship with her. I want more that what is willing or able to give me right now.
Many would think how painful of a realization this must have been! Lol, it really wasn't. It was simply the truth. Denying, fighting, or wanting something different than the reality which was this.... is what would have brought me pain. My best friend and I spent the next few hours laughing and loving each other... a mutual sharing of the unique recipe of Love that our friendship creates. I was able to re-choose what I was feeling. I was able to say, I don't want to impose what *I* think is best for him, because I DON'T know what is best for him... doing so has caused me pain, and I don't want to be hurt. I was able to be brought back into a space of awareness and unconditional Love for what is. Including him, myself, and the situaion. There is no level of peace or serenity above that.
At this moment, my heart is filled with joy and Love. I re-read this and wonder if it will even make any sense. I believe it will make perfect sense to those who are ready to hear it. I am grateful and I am Loved.
Namaste'
Dottie
PS- Welcome to my blog ;)
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