Well, I'm not wanting to sleep apparently. I've not slept will this week. But when I asked myself what it is I'd rather be doing... I couldn't think of anything. So here I am. I've thought alot about being heard, respect, being assertive. So often I act like what I say doesn't matter, it does. It really does. I thought of Dee and how he just does not listen to me, he could care less what I have to say. So why would I waste my time talking ot him? We all deserve to be heard. As far as being assertive, there are people in my life that I feel I could do without, for instance Cathy. I have no desire for her to be in my life. And right now, I can't think of anyone else, no one that tries contacting me on the regular. Assertive is defined as confident aggression. There is a twinge of fear because I know there are some assertive lessons coming... right now the themes are balance with control, assertiveness, and patience. That's a hell of a combo if you ask me... that and learning to feel again. Opening up my heart and throat chakras.
I've thought of Scott. Amazed how how differently I've handled things as opposed to how I used to. It was shown to me that the cycle of being with someone that didn't want a relationship was over... Scott doesn't want a relationship therefore we aren't in one. It's not this half-ass shit like with Dee. It's over. For now anyways. But I found gratitude in that, that I wasn't caught up in another situation where I wanted more, he didn't, but gave me just enough to allow feelings to grow inside of me. I thought of calling/txting him several times today, but I kept reminding myself... if he wanted to talk to me, he'd contact me. He's a big boy. I'm worthy of being pursued, of being missed, of being thougth about and desired for. I'm worth all of that and more. Right now I'm keeping it to myself, lovign myself, and acknowledging my own beauty and power. Right now there's not a man in my life that is close enough or deserving enough for me to throw myself at them and flaunt my positive characteristics to try and reel them in, ha. And to keep myself honest, not a man that wants me too. lol Well there are a couple but not one's that I want to be with. They aren't waht I want. There is a strength that has manifested itself within me, and I"m liking it. I don't know if I'd be happy with him. There's a lot I don't know actually. A lot I will never know. Exaushting myself to find out all the answers is a waste of my time and energy, yet I've spent my whole life trying to figure everything out. I've had to be reminded who God is and who I am, because I've been trying to get God to carry out MY will... you can laugh, it's funny. It's all funny. Settling into quietness allows me to see my life like a movie, I'm an observer instead of the director.
I breathe. Breathing into my heart/throat chakras. I've spent lots of time in meditation lately exploring some issues. Seems my being ignored hatred comes from my mother. When I look into the world all I see is pain. I try to take it all on and get rid of it, but I can't. I'm angry at Mandy for the same reason I'm angry at my mohter, I took on their pain because I coudln't get rid of THEIR pain, but I could get rid of my own pain... so I made it mine, and I've carried it for some time. I'm done carrying other people's pain. I don't need to. I don't have to be afraid to feel because there is more than just pain in the world. There is love, either way... I don't have to take on either one, I can simply observe. Come out of my head, that's what Billie told me, that's what my card told me today... come out of my head and allow my heart to make some of the decisions. I can do that. There are things I need. There are people I need. Although I don't like to admit it there are "You act like you don't need me cause your afraid of being needy, you want your cake and eat it too I call that being greedy" - I love that line. It's from the Alone Again Remix. My Uncle, I need him. I like to think I need no one, nothing. That I alone can soley create a magnificent life for myself. The truth is, no I don't know for sure where I'd be without my Uncle, but something tells me I wouldn't be here. I like to think that I'm exactly were I'm suppose to be and with or without my Uncle I'd be here. But i'm nto so sure these days. He's here because I need him. I need people. I can't take life on alone.... THAT is the last addiction. Or so says the lady who wrote the book.
I've had several overwhelming desires to hit several meetings lately, and when I asked myself why I heard "Because I need to be reminded that I'm not God." I don't ahve to avoid everything I don't entirely agree with, I can learn to be assertive and express my stance without fear. To be okay with people questioning and disagreeing. To have faith in my ability to express myself. <- That is important. Baxter has been driving me nuts, Cathy has been driving me nuts, Dee has been getting on my nerves, and I have zero desire to talk to Mandy. I know there is an amends to be made, but until I know exactly what it is I'm sorry for and how to express it, I'm not talking to her. I see Cathy and I's relationship going in the same direction, I might as well nip it in the butt right now.
I'm going to 12 steps and beyond for the first time in a while tomorrow. I keep hearing Billie's voice reminding me that we don't know what's going to happen, ever, and that's okay. Ah, the joys of being a psychic :) Learning how to trust, but not actively try and bring about what it is you saw. To know that it's coming, naturally and just by flowing in the current of Love you are co-creating, conciously tryign to create invites the ego....
Some things I wonder if I'll ever change... my fb stalking tendencies... that alone makes me smile, brings some tears to my eyes. There is soooo much changing in my life right now. Changes are being made within and around me. It's beautiful. I've made tenative plans to be out of my Uncle's house before the first of next year. Details, I'm constantly leaving up to God. I'm amazed at how it seems Scott was a catalyst for SOOO much of the stuff I've learned and reflected upon over the last 3 weeks or so. It's just amazing. Beyond what my human mind can fathom. I almost forgot what it was like to not be able to sleep. I was reminded the other day when I saw Suzanne what it was like to be in so lost in so much pain. God bless her. I'm grateful for my sobriety. I've decided on March 12 I'm celebrating 3 years of sobriety. I've worked hard earning that. I will not hide or deny that I drank in September... but I'm not going to discount myself either for the 2 and ahalf years of work I put int BEFORE that night in September. There is osme fear there as how people are going to handle it, but (as I take a deep breathe) That's not something I can worry about. I feel like I earned it, and I'm going to congratulate myself.
Right now in this dark room, with the same song "All I need" playing over and over, I breathe deep and ask myself what I feel. I feel overwhelming Love. Tears want to come to my eyes. But I know there is more that I'm not feeling right now. I feel calm. I feel content? I'm not sure. I'm hoping all this rambling will allow me to sleep. Good night God, thanks for listening. ;)
Dottie
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