Some days the food struggle is real.
Today has been one of those days. I have wanted all the sweets since I woke up this morning. My day has been a constant reciting of the word no. Just now, I snuck quietly into the kitchen as my 5 year old played in her room, my wife was upstairs, and the baby was sleeping with every intention of eating the other half of that donut we didn't let Adelynne eat about 20 minutes ago. It sucks. But it's real. I shut the refrigerator door as quickly as I had opened it. I won in that moment, but there is just under 7 hours left of today. DAMN THAT STRUGGLE.
Two days ago I met with my long time trainer and friend to evaluate my post-baby fitness level and get my programming for the month. We talked about goals. I always want muscle. I always want to lift. That is easy. Heavy shit is easy. I have an aversion to wanting "weight loss" as a goal. It is instantly irritating. I feel herded into the majority of Americans that say the want to "lose weight" or should lose weight and jump on diet fad trains. Losing weight feels like a fad in and of itself. Like a bunch of meaningless words that have lost all their weight (so much pun intended). I wanted to puke sitting next to that raw wooden desk I imagined to have been cut from last years Christmas trees with an ax as I allowed myself to insinuate that weight loss was my goal. FUCK, I mean really?! Who was I? The metaphorical bitterness of that statement made my nose roll up in disgust. Hadn't weight loss always been the natural byproduct of my other goals such as "being more fit", "making better choices", "healing unresolved issues", and "changing my relationship with food?" I leaned back against that raw pine desk and admitted my distress with uttering such words... weight loss. I also admitted I didn't know why it felt the way it did to say - like I had fallen into some trap or betrayed my own morals. My trainer and friend leaned back in his own chair and said, "Because it's hard. Because for some of us, the food part is hard. You have to tell yourself no." And it is. He knows that struggle, too. Maybe that's why I've always leaned toward building muscle. I can eat then. I can actually eat more. But if I'm completely and deeply honest with myself. I do need to lose weight, or as he more accurately and gracefully put it, lose body fat. And if I continue with this self-honesty, I want to lose body fat. God, that still tastes kinda terrible, but not as bad as "losing weight." So strange.
Words themselves carry weight, but that's a different blog for a different day.
So, I told myself no at Meijer today; I told myself no in my kitchen. I told myself no yesterday to sugar all together and somehow still managed to eat almost 4,000 calories. YES, 4,000 calories. I tracked them, and I'm not exaggerating. This shit IS hard but so has been every other addiction I've ever faced in my life. Food is no different for me. You know what I wanted all that damn sugar today? Because the baby was up half the night, I was tired, woke up irritable, and still haven't had a shower. I'm going to keep telling myself no, though, for today at-least. One day at a time. And maybe one day, it just won't be an issue anymore. THAT is my goal - to live my fucking life. To tolerate and ride my anxieties, stresses, and life experiences with grace and awareness. I want to be healthy and fit because I no longer choose to use food as a drug and because being active brings me so much damn joy and so many endorphins I can't imagine reaching for anything else.
With Grace & Gratitude...
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