Coming Home

"Then come back... sometimes when we are not strong enough we need to walk (not run) away..."

THEN COME BACK. A line that hit me like a ton of bricks. As if this whole time, THAT was not option. My whole hearted attempts at bringing my life with me. I bought my usual groceries, brought my cat, got pandora rolling with the head phones to drown out the insane background noise of three tv's and a police scanner... not what I'm used too. I had my tea, I read, ran... everything I wanted to do. I had only been here about 16 hours when I broke down in tears and said, "I don't want to be here. I'd rather be in Michigan" Overwhelmed with guilt and shame. Why would I not want to be here? This is home isn't it? It's suppose to be right? If this is suppose to be home then I'm suppose to be cherishing every moment spent here dreading the day I "go back."  But I wasn't. I cried. Sat next to the pool, looked out across the open filled and cried. I wanted to be home, and this wasn't it anymore.

I spent the next five hours running (figuratively). Reaching out to fix an inward problem. I wanted to drink, bad. Hint number one, I was NOT okay. The beautiful thing is that these days, I see these desires to drink or indulge in self-sabotaging, addict driven behaviors as simply clues to what is going on inside of me. I know today, I don't have to indulge to know whatever that desire/action is trying to show me. I became acutely aware that I was holding rigidly onto something, an idea of how I thought things should be. I explored that, what area of my life was I doing this? The last week I've heard repeatedly in my head a quote, which I can't remember exactly but basically said this, "When we don't have any idea how reality SHOULD look, nothing hurts." For me this speaks of fluidity, allowing what is... to be. Having no expectations, flowing with life. When we have no expectations, we cannot be let down, disappointed. Disappointment is one hard pill for me to swallow. Definitely one of my harder ones. I was disappointed in myself, and in fear. Utter fear, that others would be disappointed in me as well. I thought of an email I received from Inner Wisdom today. "Are you living in fear or love?" I knew I had been living most of the day in fear. I called upon Angels and asked for guidance, healing, and clarity.....and here Iam. FINALLY, at peace. I want to go home, to Michigan, and that's okay.

Love & Light
Dottie