She Chose

She made a choice. I keep hearing that in my head. Free will. I was willing. She chose not to accept love from me or continue a relationship with me. God honors choices, who am I to not? It really is getting easier. I cried today. Asked God why he took her away from me. I wrote her a letter she'll never get, and made a list of all the things I was grateful for and learned from being with her. Things maybe only she could have taught me. It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. That's what they say. I think that's true. I've been rolling around the idea of giving her key back to her. She hasn't asked for it. But what is my hesitation? Because SOMEWHERE inside of me, some tiny part of me is still holding on. To what? The possibility that maybe it's NOT over. But it is. This felt like my first real breakup. I'm writing this without crying now. Thank God. She was beautiful. It was beautiful. We cannot make people's choices for them, and we cannot change or control someone's choice. We can only accept the choice they make, and choose to love them anyway. Her pain, her problems, aren't mine anymore. I don't have to take them on with her. Maybe I never was suppose to. Maybe we are never suppose to take on people's problems with them. I don't really have much serious relationship experience, after all... this was my most serious relationship and it only lasted 4 months. I had never had the key to someone's place, or had a toothbrush there. I had never been able to cook dinner while waiting on them to come home. I don't remember anyone buying me flowers for no reason ever, or washing my clothes for me. I had never been willing to move in with someone, or look for places to live with them. I'd never fought so much or loved so much. I had never, wow... can't believe it took me this far into this to say this... I had never been with a woman.

J-
I love you. Being with you has changed me for the better, forever. I am so grateful for every moment we shared. It was the most incredible connection I'd ever felt. We are soul-mates, and I'm sure we'll meet again. You chose this. You chose to shut down, to shut me out. And there's nothing I can do about that, but accept it. Know I was willing. Who knows what the future holds for us. I don't, and my days of scrambling to know or control are over. From this moment on, every thought I have of you or us, will be with Love. Sweet dreams.....

Heart you, always.