Root Chakra

"We're getting fatter, yet eating same calories."

"Because weight has a lot to do with feeling safe and the root chakra. Most of us don't feel safe in America."

The second one was my response to a tik tok catch phrase posted above. It was one of those moments where the truth fell out of my mouth before I even knew it was the truth, it came from somewhere other than my own psyche. 

I have been contemplating my my feelings regarding safety most of the day. This started a couple days ago. Today, it has been on and off all day. 

I think I have needed to write this all day, but I've been avoiding it. I can feel the tears coming up behind my eyes. I thought I dealt with this last year in therapy when I wrote my Uncle Keith a nice long, mushy email about how I had never really felt safe in my life until I lived with him. 

This has been fucking hard to write. I've eaten. Watched a documentary. Changed all kinds of shit on facebook pages... and still managed to avoid doing this. 

I have felt unsafe as long as I can remember - even as an adult, I'm just as much afraid of ghosts and the dark as I am real people. I think it got worse having a family. I've always wondered if self defense classes would help.

I've decided to dedicate this entire month to healing, clearing, and strengthening my root chakra. I've relied on my sheer strength and "craziness" to keep me and my family safe. It's time I really fix the issue at hand. Maybe it wasn't mine. I'm sure my father didn't feel safe, I suspect my mother didn't either. I have never felt safe. Always afraid of the most ridiculous things happening - earthquakes breaking open the earth and allowing me to fall into the abyss, getting chased, attacked, etc. Even at the park the other day with Bexley, there were 3 kids that came up and I couldn't help but weirdly be suspicious of the parents in the car and the kids palying on the stuff. I grabbed my phone and kept bexley close fearing they would snatch her up and run away with her before I could get to her. I am reminding myself now that I am safe. I remember standing in my mother's back yard in TN when my friend mandy asked why I awlays felt someone was out to get me. There was something so significant about that question. It has taken me almost 15 years to answer, but I think the answer is because I have never felt safe before in my life. I never felt like anyone heard me or was there to protect me, my dad put up this facade that he was aprotectoer but he was also the abuser so that was it's whole own thing. I've had a headache most of the day, I'm hoping tomorrow is better. I think I've just been avoiding this. I've eaten everythign I can get my hands on today. I should have went for a walk. why am I afraid. I am safe. I am safe. I am safe. I am safe. I am safe. I am safe. 

It is time to heal this root chakra once and for all.