Determination and the Search

Anyone who knows me, knows that once I know something or someone has served it's purpose, I walk away. I'm done. I will leave in search of what will best serve me on the next phase of my journey. I'm often a little scared, non-supported by those around me out of their own fear of what I may do or what may happen. Moving to Michigan, leaving AA, and uprooting myself and moving to Lansing for a relationships I'd only been in for 5 weeks are just a few examples. I'm known for making big changes, taking big risks, overcoming obstacles, and being determined. I'm stubborn, and when I'm faced with giving up because something isn't currently working, my stubbornness comes in handy. I'm searching right now, for what works for me. What will help propel me on the final stretches of my weight loss journey. One of the biggest, most simplest things I took from AA was "Be willing to do whatever it takes." I love that saying. Sometimes, it takes a fight, sometimes it takes a surrender. Sometimes it takes someone to break down your fucking ego, or build your trust in yourself. First it takes some stillness, some quietness, a whole lot of prayer, and a little bit of grace. To hear yourself, to hear God. Not your fear, not your old mindset, not everything and everyone you ever knew to be right, good, and true most times. Sometimes, things change. A shift happens, and we find ourselves in the middle of something not working that always did. We find a new struggle, within our comfort zone. We find a give and take, a re-arranging of our lives. We find ourselves searching, just as we had so many times before, for what works for us now. For the person we are now. Not the person we were last winter, the person we were 3 years ago, or the person we know in high school. We seek to find the limits, support, and drive of who we are at this very moment. I stood in the shower today and asked myself if my days of weight lifting were over. If lifting really heavy shit had served its purpose. It might have. In my moments of sacred stillness I'm drawn to cardio, Vinyasa and Ashtanga yoga, and self-training. A knowing and an execution in progress. A smidge reluctance as it goes against so many things I have beheld as truth for sometime, but that's okay. I've been here before. I'm too stubborn to quit, and it's all too familiar to be afraid. But change? That I can do... That I am doing. With a little grace, I am finding what works for me... and that's what determination is. Knowing there is always a way. An understanding that eventually, you will find it as long as you keep looking, keep asking, and keep moving.