Desires

"What do you desire right now?"

Ohhhh how I just love this question (please note the sarcasm).  My initial response is always, "I don't know." But I must. Let's break it down. I want to know what I want. How's that for starters? Gotta start somewhere right? That statement makes me smile, brings joy into my heart. What do I desire? Makes me want to ask, in what aspect of my life? It's simple. Things are always much more simpler than we believe they are, it is our experiences, fears, & egos that make it all so much more than it is.  What do I desire right now? At this moment? Mexican food. My classmate said it earlier, and I've wanted it ever since. I want get full and come home and go to sleep so I can get up at 4am to take the Uncle to the airport.. okay seriously. I'm going off on a tangent distracted myself, like so many of us so easily do when we wish to avoid the truth. Am I afraid of what I really want? Do I fear that if I admit to myself what I want, then I'm opening myself up for disappointment if I don't get it? I don't know. An unacceptable answer. We always know. Somewhere inside of us, we know.  We know the best action to take, we know there is a resolution, we KNOW that WE KNOW.  So what do I want? What are my hearts true desires. It's simple. I keep hearing that in my head, it's so simple. To feel joy, freedom, & Love. To connect with others. To be in the moment. Ah I remember now, I want to live more in the moment. To be in the moment. To stop wanting to dig so deep, looking for something that may or may not be there. Some pain, that I've yet to discover. As if I'm confused. So used to going down within the depths of my soul and coming out with arm fulls of pain & suffering that I need to sift through. Beliefs that aren't true & experiences that never happened. That's what I'm used to. I've been coming up empty handed lately, and I"m not so sure what to do about that. Like that weird feeling when you clean out your purse, and it just feels like something is missing, but everything is there. My eye itches, lol ;) -- just a side note, lol. I've been asking myself what it feels like, whatever it is that I'm feeling. Where in my body to I feel it, and what does it feel like. Approaching whatever feeling I'm feeling with what Geneen Roth calls, "Curiosity & kindness."

I sat with myself today, as is. No special reason. Not because I was hurting, or angry and needed to explore that, but simply to sit with myself as I was in that moment. Which was, calm, curious, & open. I prayed that if there were something that needed to come into my awareness that it come and I accept it with grace. If not, I prayed that I knew when it was time to come out of my quiet space and accept that too, with grace. I simply made myself available to the universe; I sat with stillness, I sat with God.

Just now I realize just before I took my seat  I was standing in front of the refrigerator picking at cucumber salad, I asked myself what I really wanted in that moment, because it wasn't the cucumber salad. I know this because when I took a deep breath with it in my mouth, I became a tad nauseated. I shut the door and thought, "I want to stop wanting." That thought was so far from my mind until I typed "I sat with God" in sitting with myself as I was, my desires were fulfilled. Desires I was barely even aware of & almost quieted with food.

"Because when you evoke curiosity and openness with a lack of judgement, you align yourself with beauty & delight & love-- for their own sake. You become the benevolence of God in action." - Geneen Roth

Love & Light
Dottie