Pulling It Together

"Why am I doing the things I'm doing?"

Fear. Excitement. Moments of peace. Moments of knowing. Scattered thoughts of envy, greed, bitterness. Control. Surrender. Breath. Meditation. Feelings. Questions. Reflections. Love. Lust. Discernment. Distractions, from what? From whom? Which one? Which parts of me are enacted right now? How okay am I with it? What now? Sit with it, allow it to swell, consume me so I surrender in exhaustion at my attempts to make sense of it all? Take a step back. I've been here before. I wasn't ready then. I'm praying for the willingness to be ready now. Breathe. Pray that I find some reprieve in my fight to figure it all out. A letting go. It's like I forget how to do it sometimes. I've done it before, but with no explanation to "how" so "how" do I do it again? Wait. Patience. Nothing has ever been, or ever will be black & white. There is the balance. Some situations call for a fight from deep within you that calls upon parts of yourself you didn't know existed, others are in need of your total and complete surrender, acceptance. Sometimes give, sometimes we take. Ah sweet discernment. Breathe. Stillness. Silence. What am I doing? What am I hiding from? What is rising to the surface like an infection which has laid dormant for sometime, but now coming to the surface to be freed, cleansed, and no longer affecting the those parts of me I cannot see? My question to myself... let it fester? Grow? Slowly seep from the depths of my soul only to be cleansed and no longer inside of me? or do I walk away. Do I call it quits, knowing much of this is of my own creation, and thus up to me to disperse? Until I find out... I'm just going to breathe. Slow, deep, cleansing breathes. With a knowing that all is just as it should be, and really my only job is to hold onto the faith that all will end in Love & healing.

Love & Light
Dottie