Projection

Blame.

I went to bed last night yearning to right, but unable to go grasp what exactly I was suppose to be writing about; what it was I was suppose to be contemplating. Often there is so much that divinely lead up to the moment I finally sit down in front of this computer, I find it difficult to try and explain how I got here, without ending it all ending up like a rambling over-drawn story. I've always been a believer in signs. Signs from God. Signs that try to point you in a certain direction, or see something you've yet to become conscious of. Lately, it's been self-control & blame for me. And maybe my whole "introduction" tell you how I got here paragraph is just a bunch of unconscious distraction BS.

I blame other people for various things in my life, then credit myself for making positive changes. I blamed my father for years for the struggles I faced with anger and self-medicating. I blamed my mother for my inability to manage money, or up until this point, hold a steady & committed relationship. Most recently, I've blamed Angela for my 20lb weight gain. It's because I moved here, and she is always bringing "junk" into the house. (Honey, I do apologize if this is the first time you are reading this! I do love you, and I understand it's not really your fault) These are only the ones I could think of off the top of my head. The question then becomes, where is me taking my responsibility in this? And where is God in my success? My healing? My recovery? They say anger is one of those blanket emotions that are covering a deeper hurt, a deeper feeling. We just say anger because it's superficial, pinpointing real feelings makes us vulnerable and raw. And who wants to be vulnerable and raw anyway? :) Angela and I hit a very rough patch, over the last few weeks we have really began to reconnect in a way that definitely brings us closer then we were before. But I asked myself what changed? I remember something shifting inside of me... and I think it was that I finally stopped blaming her for the things in my life I was less than happy with. My weight, the responsibility of a dog that has taken me some time to become okay with, and not visiting friends in Detroit like I would have liked. I've never looked at blame. I've looked at a lot of emotions in my journey to know myself more each and every day, but never blame. When I finally decided to not be angry with her and be true to myself, I was able to open up to her again. So the questions then becomes... who else have I blamed? And how can I use this deeper understanding to become more conscious and more enlightened?

With Grace & Gratitiude