"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
The eleventh step of Alcoholics Anonymous. (If you didn't already know that) I went to a meeting tonight for the first time in months. Something inside me told me to go and I excitedly waiting 12:30 to get here to do just that. Of course, it was an amazing meeting, and I heard a hundred things I needed to hear (that's usually how it goes when you really "feel" like you jsut need to be there). Some things were stuff I needed to be reminded of and others it was just confirmation of what I had already been doing or feeling.
As I opened my mouth the words came from somewhere other than myself. I realized that I've sought a place of quiet stillness my entire life (meditation). Whether it was getting so drunk I couldn't move or think or talk, or eating until I was in a food induced coma-like state laying in my bed thinking only of how full I was, or cutting until the endorphins made my body collapse and sleep... it all ended the same way. By myself in a utter stillness, without thought. Exactly what my soul craved, but my mind didn't know how to give. These days I skip all that bullshit; I don't need it anymore, and that is the miracle. An awareness that what we seek can be found in the absence of self-destruction and have the ability easily skip over that part of it entirely to sit comfortably in silence with ourselves and God. There is more gratitude for this, than I can possible express here.
This is suppose to be my beautiful transition, but apparently that wasn't an important part of this blog...so moving on...
My ego is not out to kill me, I do not live in fear of my ego. It is simply unaware, ignorant. I have compassion for ignorance and lack of awareness. I can Love that part of me. If I am to be able to fully and unconditionally love myself, I must love my ego as well. Because no matter what it is still part of me. It cannot be ignored or destroyed. Acceptance is always the answer. It's like when you give someone permission to do something, they have no desire to do it, the thrill has been taken away... My ego has been my biggest help in teaching me about myself. It has been my guide to going inward into the darkest parts of me that I had no desire to see. How often do we get angry at ourselves or "our ego's" for causing pain and chaos... only to realize our some of our most valued lessons sprung from that? My ego has desperately (and ignorantly) attempted to guard me from pain and suffering, yet had no idea that when cutting me off from everything to protect me, it also cut me off from the good, from God. It didn't know any better. It's said that God is everything or he is nothing, that He is the ultimate creator. If a + b = c, then God had a hand in creating my ego... and who am I to hate anything that was created by The Man himself? If I am to love as God loves, I choose to love my ego. Because I choose wholeness. Going to any end of the spectrum creates blind spots... There is always a balance trying to be achieved, always.
For me that's exactly what it's about, balance and awareness. It's about never forgetting, always asking for help, and carrying out God's will for me so I may help others. It's about being grateful for the miracle that is my life which is now lived free of drugs, alcohol, or any other kind of self-medication attempts or self-destructive behaviors. Some people call that recovery, I just call it Love. I'm living in Love.
Namaste,
Dottie
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
And Love Remains...
"The guidance through this card is that you are being asked to commit your full attention toward the living of your spirituality, because this is to be your means of service."
I have faith in that.
I was studying, but my mind is with this, and so I am here. I've purged old emotional hurts for two days now. Releasing, feeling, breathing, and resting... finally rest. I was exhausted last night. My prayers for Angelic and Divine assistance had been heard time and time again, and answered with Love. I do believe they are heard the first time, I often look back and laugh at my relentless desire to ask repeatedly at times and lol <-- that's from fear. Fear God didn't hear them the first time, deep down though I know He did. Praying for God's will, God's guidance and assistance from the Angellic realm to bring forth and and expell any old hurts that MIGHT still be lingering within me, I've spent tremendous amounts of time and energy healing from past hurts with every healing modality known to man, so whatever is left there... is minut, or was. I do believe the last reminints of past romantic or not so romantic entanglents are gone. Because right now all I feel is Love.
I'm very much at peace right now, quiet. patiently waiting 12:30 to get here so I can go to clinicals. Watching the conversations of last night in my head. I've managed to maintain a state of Love. I can relate to him. I've been there. When a hundred different things provoking fear inside of you, yet your so drawn to that thing/person you feel that it can't be good if you want it that bad. WOW. I love that line. Wondering now how I can post that on facebook and not offend him. :) Here we are, deciding to slow things down. Things did happen really fast... really it's not even been 3 weeks. It was a week choked full of lustful passions with little thought or regard to... anything really, followed by a week of seeing where our lives fit together, if they did at all.... tied off with a weekend of silence and reflection, and here we are. The good moorning text messages and good night phone calls began to feel expected by me. No excitment, expecation. The absence of them creating fear, in me anyways. I was wondering if he felt obligated to send those good morning text messages at this point, and call before bed. He wasn't, but I did feel he felt that way. I had begun wondering... what now? It exploded and was now fading, what now?
I've asked for God's help to remedy my obssessive thoughts, my tendencies to try and predict the outcome, and to help me maintain confidence in my own self-worth. I've decided to be patient, kind, and compassionate. I remember all to well the feelings he is having right now. It's interesting to be on the opposite end, but no less important.
"You are being guided to awaken a more balanced perspective in your life by expanding your capacity to hold love in your heart so other people and living things may heal."
Did I mention these cards fell off my bed, a handful face up and all but ONE being one I had pulled over the last couple days.... this was the only one I hadn't seen yet... and here it is.
Love & Light
Dottie
I have faith in that.
I was studying, but my mind is with this, and so I am here. I've purged old emotional hurts for two days now. Releasing, feeling, breathing, and resting... finally rest. I was exhausted last night. My prayers for Angelic and Divine assistance had been heard time and time again, and answered with Love. I do believe they are heard the first time, I often look back and laugh at my relentless desire to ask repeatedly at times and lol <-- that's from fear. Fear God didn't hear them the first time, deep down though I know He did. Praying for God's will, God's guidance and assistance from the Angellic realm to bring forth and and expell any old hurts that MIGHT still be lingering within me, I've spent tremendous amounts of time and energy healing from past hurts with every healing modality known to man, so whatever is left there... is minut, or was. I do believe the last reminints of past romantic or not so romantic entanglents are gone. Because right now all I feel is Love.
I'm very much at peace right now, quiet. patiently waiting 12:30 to get here so I can go to clinicals. Watching the conversations of last night in my head. I've managed to maintain a state of Love. I can relate to him. I've been there. When a hundred different things provoking fear inside of you, yet your so drawn to that thing/person you feel that it can't be good if you want it that bad. WOW. I love that line. Wondering now how I can post that on facebook and not offend him. :) Here we are, deciding to slow things down. Things did happen really fast... really it's not even been 3 weeks. It was a week choked full of lustful passions with little thought or regard to... anything really, followed by a week of seeing where our lives fit together, if they did at all.... tied off with a weekend of silence and reflection, and here we are. The good moorning text messages and good night phone calls began to feel expected by me. No excitment, expecation. The absence of them creating fear, in me anyways. I was wondering if he felt obligated to send those good morning text messages at this point, and call before bed. He wasn't, but I did feel he felt that way. I had begun wondering... what now? It exploded and was now fading, what now?
I've asked for God's help to remedy my obssessive thoughts, my tendencies to try and predict the outcome, and to help me maintain confidence in my own self-worth. I've decided to be patient, kind, and compassionate. I remember all to well the feelings he is having right now. It's interesting to be on the opposite end, but no less important.
"You are being guided to awaken a more balanced perspective in your life by expanding your capacity to hold love in your heart so other people and living things may heal."
Did I mention these cards fell off my bed, a handful face up and all but ONE being one I had pulled over the last couple days.... this was the only one I hadn't seen yet... and here it is.
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, February 14, 2011
Owning My Power
"I am confident in my own self-worth"
To say there is no fear, would be a lie. Awareness and willingness. The two things needed to make a positive change. The theme is reoccurring, the signs all around are saying I'm at a pivotal time in my life, and although I've spent years going within.. it is finally time to fully let somethings go, that time is now. It's all the same thing. Balance of my mind, body, spirit and of my inner power. In my conversations yesterday I realized I give my power away, especially with men which leaves me powerless, frustrated and rittled with anxiety and fear. I easily go from strong, fruitful, confident, feminine Dottie to.... wait.... do you really like me? Can I trust you? Why didn't you call the very second you got into your car? What is that suppose to mean? Yada, yada ya... the fears of an adolescent little girl. I'm not an adolescent anymore. I'm not a scared little girl. Yet, periodically that part of me comes out full swing and I feel as if I'm loosing control. Now that is the problem ... time for the solution. I choose not to sit in the problem once I realize what the problem is...
I started the day with meditation. I was frustrated, angry, and wanted to cry. Finally I told myself to ride those thoughts, to accept their presence and go wherever they wanted to take me. I visited a familiar place within myself. The place where I cast away and hide those parts of me I don't want anyone to see, so far down I often forget I have them there. It's always dark and a little chilly, and quiet... too quiet. But I go there and I sit with those parts of me I've chosen to hate. I speak softly and with Love. Understanding what initially created this negative aspect of myself... and offer compassion. Sometimes it takes me a couple times to do all that, and sometimes, like today... that part of me is VERY resistive. But I got there, and I'll go again tomorrow. I'll go as many times as I must to allow Love in.
I've spent the day wrapped in prayer. Realizing I have obsessive tendencies. Tendencies to also play out scenarios in my head that have never happened, and are HIGHLY unlikely to EVER happen. These scenarios breed fear, lots of fear and frustration that "I'm doing it again!" But that's what I do. I cannot get angry at myself, for at some time in my life I'm sure those actions were simply defense mechanisms I created to keep myself safe. To protect my childlike innocence and delicate heart. Conjuring up in my head all the possibilities of what COULD happen so I can be prepared for anything. I don't need those barriers anymore. I, however, cannot think myself out of a thought. So within those moments of prayer, I asked God to remove my obsessions, just as he removed my obsession with alcohol and other life destructing habits. Patience. I've been patient with myself. Loving myself unconditionally, consoling myself as I would my best friend.
A month ago I was more confident and in love with myself than I had ever been in my entire life. The last couple days... I've began to get back to that. How beautiful it is, to realize God answered your prayers before you had asked them. I've had to ask many times today for God to restore faith, trust, and confidence within myself. I am blessed. I am so worthy of all the good coming my way. Great Love, and utter joy are here for my enjoyment. For my basking, if I so choose. To dance in as a birds dance in the rain. I must remember that I am loved. No single person on this planet can take that from me, it is only me who can give them the power to do so, my power. It has nothing to do with him. This is me. Every moment I am less fearful, more powerful, and more okay with being that way. What do I want right now? To sleep. To wash my face, and go to sleep.... It doesn't matter if it's only 9:14, that's my ego talking. Transformation can be tiring, I choose rest. :)
A beautiful example of Light, Lessons, & Love. Pure, persistent, and unconditional divine Love...
Dottie
To say there is no fear, would be a lie. Awareness and willingness. The two things needed to make a positive change. The theme is reoccurring, the signs all around are saying I'm at a pivotal time in my life, and although I've spent years going within.. it is finally time to fully let somethings go, that time is now. It's all the same thing. Balance of my mind, body, spirit and of my inner power. In my conversations yesterday I realized I give my power away, especially with men which leaves me powerless, frustrated and rittled with anxiety and fear. I easily go from strong, fruitful, confident, feminine Dottie to.... wait.... do you really like me? Can I trust you? Why didn't you call the very second you got into your car? What is that suppose to mean? Yada, yada ya... the fears of an adolescent little girl. I'm not an adolescent anymore. I'm not a scared little girl. Yet, periodically that part of me comes out full swing and I feel as if I'm loosing control. Now that is the problem ... time for the solution. I choose not to sit in the problem once I realize what the problem is...
I started the day with meditation. I was frustrated, angry, and wanted to cry. Finally I told myself to ride those thoughts, to accept their presence and go wherever they wanted to take me. I visited a familiar place within myself. The place where I cast away and hide those parts of me I don't want anyone to see, so far down I often forget I have them there. It's always dark and a little chilly, and quiet... too quiet. But I go there and I sit with those parts of me I've chosen to hate. I speak softly and with Love. Understanding what initially created this negative aspect of myself... and offer compassion. Sometimes it takes me a couple times to do all that, and sometimes, like today... that part of me is VERY resistive. But I got there, and I'll go again tomorrow. I'll go as many times as I must to allow Love in.
I've spent the day wrapped in prayer. Realizing I have obsessive tendencies. Tendencies to also play out scenarios in my head that have never happened, and are HIGHLY unlikely to EVER happen. These scenarios breed fear, lots of fear and frustration that "I'm doing it again!" But that's what I do. I cannot get angry at myself, for at some time in my life I'm sure those actions were simply defense mechanisms I created to keep myself safe. To protect my childlike innocence and delicate heart. Conjuring up in my head all the possibilities of what COULD happen so I can be prepared for anything. I don't need those barriers anymore. I, however, cannot think myself out of a thought. So within those moments of prayer, I asked God to remove my obsessions, just as he removed my obsession with alcohol and other life destructing habits. Patience. I've been patient with myself. Loving myself unconditionally, consoling myself as I would my best friend.
A month ago I was more confident and in love with myself than I had ever been in my entire life. The last couple days... I've began to get back to that. How beautiful it is, to realize God answered your prayers before you had asked them. I've had to ask many times today for God to restore faith, trust, and confidence within myself. I am blessed. I am so worthy of all the good coming my way. Great Love, and utter joy are here for my enjoyment. For my basking, if I so choose. To dance in as a birds dance in the rain. I must remember that I am loved. No single person on this planet can take that from me, it is only me who can give them the power to do so, my power. It has nothing to do with him. This is me. Every moment I am less fearful, more powerful, and more okay with being that way. What do I want right now? To sleep. To wash my face, and go to sleep.... It doesn't matter if it's only 9:14, that's my ego talking. Transformation can be tiring, I choose rest. :)
A beautiful example of Light, Lessons, & Love. Pure, persistent, and unconditional divine Love...
Dottie
Taking Back My Power
"You have drawn this card to help you recognize the times and the ways in which you give away your inner power. This card suggests that you need ot strengthen your feelings of inner confindence and self-worth so that others are not so easily able to break down or deflate your sense of well-being. You are entering, or may already have entered a series of experiences to help you test your own ability to hold or reclaim your power. This card is suggesting that you will do well to make sure you stay in your own power even when others have expectatins of your fixing their lives."
Damn the conversations in my head, they exhaust me. Conversations of the things I wish I would have said, wanted to say but didn't, or didn't think of. Sometimes it's like a possible scenario, preparing me for what COULD take place, preparing me for how I would/could/should react with various reactions THEY might have. As if I could think of every possibility.... It's like trying to... I can't even think of a great metaphor, and I'm good at metpahors, lol. It's tiring, it's frustrating, it makes me feel as if I"m loosing control and creates fear. This is a big part of what had happened today. Every conversation in my head begins to obsessively roll around and allow another to follow.... driving me nuts.
I live everyday for the moments when I realize some deep truth about myself. (yes there are other things.. but right now this is the most prevelant). Today I learned that I give to much of myself to the oppopsite sex, so much in fact... I keep nothing for myself. I give my power away. So many pre-convieved notions of what I'm suppose to do, or how it's suppose to be.
I just read a couple cards... I'm in awe... I just want to take my contacts out and go to sleep now...Thank you God.
Damn the conversations in my head, they exhaust me. Conversations of the things I wish I would have said, wanted to say but didn't, or didn't think of. Sometimes it's like a possible scenario, preparing me for what COULD take place, preparing me for how I would/could/should react with various reactions THEY might have. As if I could think of every possibility.... It's like trying to... I can't even think of a great metaphor, and I'm good at metpahors, lol. It's tiring, it's frustrating, it makes me feel as if I"m loosing control and creates fear. This is a big part of what had happened today. Every conversation in my head begins to obsessively roll around and allow another to follow.... driving me nuts.
I live everyday for the moments when I realize some deep truth about myself. (yes there are other things.. but right now this is the most prevelant). Today I learned that I give to much of myself to the oppopsite sex, so much in fact... I keep nothing for myself. I give my power away. So many pre-convieved notions of what I'm suppose to do, or how it's suppose to be.
I just read a couple cards... I'm in awe... I just want to take my contacts out and go to sleep now...Thank you God.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Pain & Change
"When the pain is great enough, you will change."
A belief that has carried me over many obstacles in the last couple of years. Today, something shifted. I haven't ran in a week, I had lost my desire to run. It's the week I bump up to running 5 min solid, and have no desire to do that. Can I do it physically? Yes, I've done it before. All that kept running through my head is how boring it is going ot be to run for 5 minutes, and yes granted at about 3.5 minutes are start thinking how much this is really starting to suck.... but for the most part I keep thinking this is boring I don't want to run for 5 minutes. So I asked myself if it was just the running I didn't want to do or running for the five minutes... it was just the five minutes, I really wanted to run.
So, I ran, I ran two minute intervals for 20 min at a little bit faster past because I like runnin fast... and I felt amazing. It was easy. I can very comfortable run that. As I was asking myself what was going on with me, what where my feelings? My thoughts? Any fears? Any expecations? Were they reasonable expectations or was my sometimes over-acheiving nature begninning to play a part, It was none of that. I saw myself in the circuit training class a few days before where I wasn't pushing myself as hard as I used to. Once the physical pain became too uncomfortable I stopped, I didn't see the point in continuing that particular cycle.
I have lost the desire to push myself outside of my comfort zone because there is no more pain. I am content. The pain of where I am no longer supercedes the pain it will take to get to where I'm going.
My sense of I hurt so bad emotionally, physically, spiritually, I am willing to near kill myself to make this change... is gone. I'm no longer a broken, shattered mess that is feverishly searching for a way out of where I am. I've embraced where I am. I have become whole. Pain has always been my biggest movitvator my entire life. Pain has drove me to the darkest depths of my darkest days, and then turned right around and brought me to a place of utter joy, serenity, and peace.
I sat in the gym this morning and laughed. I was grateful for the pain and for the freedom. I was grateful for everything I had been through and been given... and then wondered if there is no more pain, what will be my biggest motivator? If I seek pain, I would find it. But why would I do that? To begin another vicious cycle? No worries, I won't be seeking pain. If I were to seek out pain, simply to motivate myself I would simply be using my old self-destructive tendencies... as someone once told me "You were everything you've been through like a badge of honor, what are you gonna put yourself through next? When are you going to stop?" Right now. (Well, Right then actually) There was a shift. I've known nothing but struggle my entire life. Facing a demon, only to fight it. I don't have to fight anymore. I've chosen to not suffer. Those words spoken to me those few months ago reverberated through my being into eternity. A change occured, instantaneously.
So what now? Continue to enjoy where I am. Give my body what it needs, my inner child what it wants, and my God my life while remembering only the lessons and the Love, and keeping it moving. All within a beautiful balance. Letting go, and breathing... always. Honoring myself and others. A psychic told me about 2 and half years ago as I grew spiritually, the weight would literally fall off, hmph. I went back to that moment just now and smiled. It's neat how I can look back on THAT moment while seeing this one, but couldn't see this moment, while being in that one...
Love & Light
Dottie
A belief that has carried me over many obstacles in the last couple of years. Today, something shifted. I haven't ran in a week, I had lost my desire to run. It's the week I bump up to running 5 min solid, and have no desire to do that. Can I do it physically? Yes, I've done it before. All that kept running through my head is how boring it is going ot be to run for 5 minutes, and yes granted at about 3.5 minutes are start thinking how much this is really starting to suck.... but for the most part I keep thinking this is boring I don't want to run for 5 minutes. So I asked myself if it was just the running I didn't want to do or running for the five minutes... it was just the five minutes, I really wanted to run.
So, I ran, I ran two minute intervals for 20 min at a little bit faster past because I like runnin fast... and I felt amazing. It was easy. I can very comfortable run that. As I was asking myself what was going on with me, what where my feelings? My thoughts? Any fears? Any expecations? Were they reasonable expectations or was my sometimes over-acheiving nature begninning to play a part, It was none of that. I saw myself in the circuit training class a few days before where I wasn't pushing myself as hard as I used to. Once the physical pain became too uncomfortable I stopped, I didn't see the point in continuing that particular cycle.
I have lost the desire to push myself outside of my comfort zone because there is no more pain. I am content. The pain of where I am no longer supercedes the pain it will take to get to where I'm going.
My sense of I hurt so bad emotionally, physically, spiritually, I am willing to near kill myself to make this change... is gone. I'm no longer a broken, shattered mess that is feverishly searching for a way out of where I am. I've embraced where I am. I have become whole. Pain has always been my biggest movitvator my entire life. Pain has drove me to the darkest depths of my darkest days, and then turned right around and brought me to a place of utter joy, serenity, and peace.
I sat in the gym this morning and laughed. I was grateful for the pain and for the freedom. I was grateful for everything I had been through and been given... and then wondered if there is no more pain, what will be my biggest motivator? If I seek pain, I would find it. But why would I do that? To begin another vicious cycle? No worries, I won't be seeking pain. If I were to seek out pain, simply to motivate myself I would simply be using my old self-destructive tendencies... as someone once told me "You were everything you've been through like a badge of honor, what are you gonna put yourself through next? When are you going to stop?" Right now. (Well, Right then actually) There was a shift. I've known nothing but struggle my entire life. Facing a demon, only to fight it. I don't have to fight anymore. I've chosen to not suffer. Those words spoken to me those few months ago reverberated through my being into eternity. A change occured, instantaneously.
So what now? Continue to enjoy where I am. Give my body what it needs, my inner child what it wants, and my God my life while remembering only the lessons and the Love, and keeping it moving. All within a beautiful balance. Letting go, and breathing... always. Honoring myself and others. A psychic told me about 2 and half years ago as I grew spiritually, the weight would literally fall off, hmph. I went back to that moment just now and smiled. It's neat how I can look back on THAT moment while seeing this one, but couldn't see this moment, while being in that one...
Love & Light
Dottie
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A Dream, An answer
Last night I had a dream the last three men I loved died, in the order was in love with them from most recent to most past. Me being the seeker I am, I woke up searching.
Dee was the first one to die. I cried hystericall as I told Mandy. Then Andy and Jared a few days later on or around the same day. I was writing down my dream in my dream so I would look it up.
Now the interesting thing is this. Yesterday before yoga I drew an oracle card which was the sacral chakra, it I'm very sensitive right now and should avoid addictive things and harsh environments, peoples, and relationships (that's the jist anyway). This chakra is orange, and has to do with emotions and sexual relations. So, during my yoga practice I focused on releasing < That was yesterday.
Right before I dreamt this I woke up exausted from not sleeping well and decided to meditate. I was praying and my attention was brought to my sacral chakra and I was asked why I was so afraid. What was I afraid of? I was terrified of repeating the same cyle of falling in love with someone who didn't want to be with me. When would I know if that was the case and would I be in too much denial to see it? I wanted to be able to know and let go if I was ever about to enter another relationship like that. I was/am willing to avoid that relationship, just afraid I wouldn't be able to see it thus falling into it again...A relationship based on sex and friendship, not what I wanted. Actually, I do.... just within a montonaeous relationship.
I'm rambling because my mind is going a hundred miles a minute. Basically, this is what I got out of it. The dream was telling me, those days are over. The part of me that attracts these kinds of relationships is gone. There's nothing to worry about because that part of me no longer exists. There has been a rebirth on a spiritual level. I'm excited, and happy. Although, there is a small part that doesn't want to believe me but I know it to be true. Thank you.<3
Love & Light
Dee was the first one to die. I cried hystericall as I told Mandy. Then Andy and Jared a few days later on or around the same day. I was writing down my dream in my dream so I would look it up.
Now the interesting thing is this. Yesterday before yoga I drew an oracle card which was the sacral chakra, it I'm very sensitive right now and should avoid addictive things and harsh environments, peoples, and relationships (that's the jist anyway). This chakra is orange, and has to do with emotions and sexual relations. So, during my yoga practice I focused on releasing < That was yesterday.
Right before I dreamt this I woke up exausted from not sleeping well and decided to meditate. I was praying and my attention was brought to my sacral chakra and I was asked why I was so afraid. What was I afraid of? I was terrified of repeating the same cyle of falling in love with someone who didn't want to be with me. When would I know if that was the case and would I be in too much denial to see it? I wanted to be able to know and let go if I was ever about to enter another relationship like that. I was/am willing to avoid that relationship, just afraid I wouldn't be able to see it thus falling into it again...A relationship based on sex and friendship, not what I wanted. Actually, I do.... just within a montonaeous relationship.
I'm rambling because my mind is going a hundred miles a minute. Basically, this is what I got out of it. The dream was telling me, those days are over. The part of me that attracts these kinds of relationships is gone. There's nothing to worry about because that part of me no longer exists. There has been a rebirth on a spiritual level. I'm excited, and happy. Although, there is a small part that doesn't want to believe me but I know it to be true. Thank you.<3
Love & Light
Friday, January 21, 2011
Being Single
I was skimming through pictures of an old friend that had just added me on facebook... combined with a Brian McKnights "I'll be" playing in the background... stirred up the desire to write, so here I am.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I am single because I have chosen to be so. I look at my facebook covered with pictures of myself, my cat, statuses about school, weight loss, and life. Love, there is Love, but more so in the sense of that being all that is. Not focused on romantic love. Slowely I've transformed, everything I was, into everything I am now, yet they are so different. Like a line in the sand has been drawn, the last "checkpoint" as I lovingly call them has been crossed, for a while anyway. There are more, I'm sure of it. I want to be single. I enjoy it. I enjoy spending my time, energy, and money on myself. On my growth, my spirituality, my friends, my family. And that's okay. Every bit of it is absolutely okay. I've given much thought to my last relationship, all though he doesn't call it that... a relationship is defined as "an emotional or other connection between people." That being said, I look back on that relationship, which I have given a year and decided a few months ago I was done. It wasn't what I wanted, I took the lessons and the Love and walked away. He seems to be coming around a little more, but I have no desire to be his friend. I also have no desire to be WITH him in any shape form or fashion. There is still Love, Love never goes anywhere, it cannot be made, destroyed, taken away, given... it's just there, always, flowing freely in, out and around.
Right now. I feel stronger than I've felt in years. Solid. Emotionally Stable. As if from this point on I have the choice as to how hard I shall struggle with ANYTHING in life. For the first time, I trully believe the worst is now behind me. Like I"m standing in the aftermath of category 5 hurricane, in rubble, with the sun shining on my face, unscoothed, with my arms spread wide, a smile on my face and gratitiude and Love pourign from my soul like water from a fire hydrant. Nothing will compare to this. I survived.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I am single because I have chosen to be so. I look at my facebook covered with pictures of myself, my cat, statuses about school, weight loss, and life. Love, there is Love, but more so in the sense of that being all that is. Not focused on romantic love. Slowely I've transformed, everything I was, into everything I am now, yet they are so different. Like a line in the sand has been drawn, the last "checkpoint" as I lovingly call them has been crossed, for a while anyway. There are more, I'm sure of it. I want to be single. I enjoy it. I enjoy spending my time, energy, and money on myself. On my growth, my spirituality, my friends, my family. And that's okay. Every bit of it is absolutely okay. I've given much thought to my last relationship, all though he doesn't call it that... a relationship is defined as "an emotional or other connection between people." That being said, I look back on that relationship, which I have given a year and decided a few months ago I was done. It wasn't what I wanted, I took the lessons and the Love and walked away. He seems to be coming around a little more, but I have no desire to be his friend. I also have no desire to be WITH him in any shape form or fashion. There is still Love, Love never goes anywhere, it cannot be made, destroyed, taken away, given... it's just there, always, flowing freely in, out and around.
Right now. I feel stronger than I've felt in years. Solid. Emotionally Stable. As if from this point on I have the choice as to how hard I shall struggle with ANYTHING in life. For the first time, I trully believe the worst is now behind me. Like I"m standing in the aftermath of category 5 hurricane, in rubble, with the sun shining on my face, unscoothed, with my arms spread wide, a smile on my face and gratitiude and Love pourign from my soul like water from a fire hydrant. Nothing will compare to this. I survived.
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