My Own Responsibility

"Judge and prepare to be judged."

I wish I would have counted the times I've heard that over the last 3-4 days. Obviously something Spirit would like me to work on. I'm guilty. I judge others. I compare myself to others. Maybe its my competitive nature. Maybe it something I should stop doing. Although, the line isn't saying that judging is a bad thing, it's just saying I had better be prepared for the same sentiment. Which, I'm not so sure I am. I can handle the truth. I can handle people's verbalized opinions. What I do tend to struggle with is my wildly overactive imagination that tells me all the things they probably are thinking, but are most likely, not. I worry what other people think about me and what I'm doing. Guess I could have saved myself 7 lines or so and just said that, but then it wouldn't be much of a blog then would it?

The beginning of June I changed my fitness goals. Signing up for my first power-lifting competition in September, the goal became to "see how much weight we could put on me." And I have, although I'm definitely the strongest I've ever been. My goals are changing after the competition. I'm ready to start slimming down again. More cardio, less muscle building. More of a muscle maintaining. The plan is to keep my lifts heavy three times a week, and after lifting it is my own responsibility to work through a cross-fit type routine. My current trainer doesn't do cross-fit, and up until this year, that's pretty much all I did. I have 3 years of cross-fit training experience. So guess what? The universe is a gracious and loyal teacher. It is up to me to come up with or find cross-fit workouts and execute them on my own, without a trainer standing beside me holding my hand, telling me what to do and taking the pressure of myself. They've never been my workouts, someone else has always put them together for me. I've always had someone else to whine to, to give dirty looks too, to help me combat the internal dialogue that tries to convince it's okay to slow down, or extend that rest for 15 seconds or "change the routine" halfway through because it's "too hard." A trainer has always provided for me a sense of confidence in myself that I've had difficulty finding on my own in the gym. Something tells me that has to do with trusting myself  & integrity. I'm nervous. There's fear. A sense of vulnerability. A lack of confidence in myself to come up with my own workouts, that beginners trail & error which will test my patience, my dedication, and my endurance.  But what growth is there in refusing to change? None. Fuck.

So either I can stop judging those people in the gym, that are in there doing what I only wish I had the courage to do at the moment OR I can step up and take full responsibility for my workouts and do something I don't mind people judging. It's my choice, and it's about where I'm choosing to focus my energies. By not judging them I free myself from the fear of being judged which allows me a new courage to take that first step in doing what I know I need to do.


With Grace & Gratitude...

Beautiful Butch

...those are the words that have rattled around in my head for the last few weeks. A gradual realization & acceptance that I am a little butchier than I've often wanted to admit. There was an immediate relief in my efforts to be more feminine just after coming out. Realizing that I was gay, allowed me to be more comfortable with my masculine side. More specifically, it alleviated the pressure for me to accessorize my outfits, to be the pursued and not the pursuer, to keep my short hair cut "soft", to wear more eye makeup or buy lots of shoes that I didn't particularly like, etc. I thought about the gym today and how much I loved it. How I've loved it since day one. Why? I'm sure there are several reasons, but one of the big ones being that I can be masculine. I can be tough, and cuss and crass. I can throw heavy shit around and not worry about being cute or dainty or feminine. It is expected to get dirty and look ugly. Working hard isn't pretty. It alleviated that pressure of having to put energy into showing my feminine side because I was a woman and had these stereotypical perceptions of what I needed be to function in heterosexual relationships. Because anyone who knows me, knows my relationship history with men was a struggle. I always felt out of place, like I was doing something wrong. It never felt right; deep inside I knew I was being someone I wasn't. Thank God, I finally came out.

But even in the beginning, I still wanted to be more feminine than my female partner. It has taken some time for me to unravel the habits of quieting my masculine tendencies, and have the courage to admit they are there. The truth is, I might just be a little more masculine than my partner. I just might be a little butchier than she is. Sure, I wear the make up, but believe me it isn't much. I'm the one that puts up the mini-blinds, I usually drive when we go places, I like to dote on her and take care of her. I've got about 5 inches and 100lbs on her, I spend at-least 6 hours a week in the gym most of it weight-lifting. I put in the air-conditioners and assemble the shit that comes in boxes. And if we were out separately, I'm way more likely to be tagged as a lesbian that she. I write all this because it makes me giggle a little. These are the things that have rumbled around in my head. Things that whisper, hey dot, your kinda butchy, and you know it. I find this lifestyle fascinating. From the varying dynamics in different lesbian relationships, the different "types" of lesbians, to all you learn by simply living this lifestyle... the lingo, the obstacles, and the laws that prevent us from having some of the rights I took for granted for so long. Sometimes, yes, I still feel there is so much I don't know but I'm learning. I often ask questions and read a lot of blogs. But there are a few things I do know for sure... I've been gay my entire life, I was lucky enough to find my life partner shortly after coming out, and I've never felt this comfortable in my own skin. If someone asked me what type of lesbian I am, I'd tell them a beautiful butch :)

With Grace & Gratitude...

With Grace

For those of you who don't know, I'm a Hospice nurse. And although I said this is were I'd be at the end of my career, God had another plan. Last winter I had the son of a patient who had just taken her last breath ask me, "How do you do this work day in and day out?" without thought or hesitation I said, "with grace." The response alone shifted something inside of me, as if it didn't even come from me. It was absolutely true, and I knew it.

That is how I do this work, day in and day out. I really do love it. There is something beautiful about being there for someone or multiple someones during such a delicate time. Grace implies fluidity, calm, and simply being present. With that being said... the other night I had a patient that required visits every 2 hours. He was 30 minutes from my house, so it seemed pointless to drive back and forth. 30 minutes in the visit, 30 minutes home, that's only 30 min at home until I needed to drive back. Not gonna lie, I bitched. I spent the first few hours of my shift dreading & bitching. I wasn't going to get ANY sleep! Can't we break the visits up with someone else? What am I going to do between visits? Not much grace in that. Between 12:30 and 7:30am I spent all but about an hour with that family. I sat next to his bed, listening to him breathe, which was the only thing he was doing at this point, and watched a movie with his daughter. I gave his medicine every hour on the dot, then every 30 min. His 80 year old wife was finally asleep after 3 days of being at his bedside, and I sat there in the stillness waiting to know when to wake her so she could be there when he took his last breath. Fifty minutes after something nudged me and said it was time, she held her husband as he did just that with their children and his brother beside him. Sometimes, you can't help but to cry with them. It changes you. 

It never fails, when you are exactly where God wants you to be, you have everything you need. I wasn't tired, I wasn't anxious or trying to leave, and I wasn't even remotely bitter for having to be there. I wanted to be there. The families are always so very grateful. It's obvious that you have helped ease their pain in some way. I've always said I do my best work here, at the end of their life. Where the two worlds meet. Where someone in my care lingers between life and death and their loved ones are caught in the middle. It is here that nothing but grace flows through me and I simply serve. What an honor to be part of such an intimate moment in someone's journey.

To those moments when you know you are exactly where you are suppose to be and posses the willingness to be there. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

The Sacred Union & The Queen of the Light

... those are the cards I pulled today.

I've been pulling cards more so lately. A remembering of how much I enjoy and need my daily dose of spirituality. Time to ground & connect. Even if only for a very short time. The cards went on to say that I am on the right path and rewards for my perseverance and willingness to learn where on there way. My focus for today was to be grateful & accepting. I can do that. I'm always a student; I am always learning. We all are, although some of us fight the role of student as if it has some demeaning context, insinuates that we are ignorant in some fashion, or denotes a dependence of which some of us struggle. Perception. I find myself to be the most humble & most open when I welcome the energy of the student. I'm calm. Teacher & student role occur simultaneously; you cannot be one without the other. We naturally & often unconsciously go out and teach what we have learned. The Sacred Union. An alliance of Heaven & earth, of partnership, of relationships of all kinds. The Union of the Divine & human; the masculine & feminine. My focus with this card is to be aware of the gifts bestowed upon me through the partnerships that have come to be in my life. I can do that also.

I was part of a healing session today. A lady who got in touch with me saying I was "highly recommended" and asked about what I charge. She was told I sometimes do "love-offerings" which are not always monetary. They can be, and it's whatever the person is able to give, but it doesn't have to be. After her session today, I decided, love-offering is what I will always charge. I am blessed with a well-paying job I love, and hours that love me. What more could I ask for? I was given the gift of healing. If I want more love in the world, I need to do things that cultivate that. Love offerings. That's what I charge, all the time.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Sometimes I Just Ramble

I sat in a tree tonight watching the wind blow through it's branches as if they were dancing. The energy was interesting. Almost as if they only thing to do was to reflect. Yet there wasn't any specific aspect of my life to reflect upon. Maybe I am just rambling right now, and maybe I need too. It's been quite some time since I've written anything substantial, anything I would post and share. I've wondered if my muse has been quieted. I can write here and now with whatever comes, just to begin to feed that creative spark again. The love of my life is sitting next to me. On her own computer, doing her own thing. Not sure if we've done this before. If I were to say that she'd probably say of course we have, you just don't remember. Jesus, I just want to write. It feels like fall out, and it's July 1st. I've been pulling cards lately about how I perceive others. about quiet, compassion, stillness. The last two were about tithing. Not so much monetary tithing, but tithing none the less. Selflessness. I'm learning that, it isn't exactly my strong point. WTF is up with my eyebrow? The area just over my right eye has been twitching on and off all day. Weird. I have to admit, I don't think I've ever just let someone sit in my space as I typed, rambled about .... useless fragments of my mind. Yoga has been quite the enlightening experience lately, although I guess that's what it's suppose to do right? It is about linking the mind, body and spirit. Anywho. "I trust you." I heard that last week in yoga. For the first time in my life, I went into asana and instead of my mind and my body arguing about whether or not it was a good idea to go deeper into that pose, I heard, "I trust you." That's huge. Somewhere along the lines, along this path I traveled, I have learned to trust myself, on some level, some part of me... trusts me. I'm not so sure I ever thought that would happen, and not so sure I was even working on it. Maybe THAT is a prime and beautiful example of "doing nothing and everything gets done." The art of non-doing. I really like having her here. So close, but not not involved directly in what I"m doing. Just hanging out in my space being her. She talks to the cat. And and the dog for that matter in this adorable voice that, without fail, makes me smile every single time. What inspires me? She asked me that when we first met. What inspires me? People who change. People who fight hard and come out on top, people who don't quit. Sometimes fighting hard isn't physical, it's just breathing quietly while something happens that you know is not yours to deal with. The other day I sat quietly and asked the universe what my purpose was, I asked for a vision of my life and what I was suppose to do with it. Usually, I asked that question assuming I already know the answer. Not that time. I asked without any expectation. I'm still waiting though. Open, aware, & waiting. What IS my life purpose? What  is God's plan for me? And where does it meet with mine, if at all? I'm sure selfliss giving is in there somewhere. What are my gifts? And how can I best utilize them? If I had to answer that question right now I'd say, the gift of healing & the gift of communication. When all is aligned within this writer within me, I'm pretty poetic. I'm pretty good at expanding people's mind and touching them on a deep level. This particular piece of probably does an extremely poor job of depicting that, but... gotta re-start somewhere right? Cause I miss this shit. It's like a breath of fresh air. A vent opened in the top of my skull allowing this endless array of yakity yak to go somewhere. It's getting late, my girl is getting sleepy,and I feel I've somehow achieved what I set out to do somehwere around 20min ago. May it be only the beginning of what's next.

With Grace & Gratititude...

Scars

"Even scars fade..."

Despite popular belief. Scars are not forever. They do fade. They soften. They slowly begin to blend back in with the rest of who we are. We talk as if they are forever, as if nothing new can grow there, or they will remain forever so obvious that if anyone gets close enough, our biggest hurts will be put on display. So what do we do? We hide them. We spend energy attempting to somehow camouflage them, OR we flaunt them to show the world how tough we are, where we've been, and where we'd like the world to believe we aren't afraid to go. We speak of the "scars on our hearts" that will apparently debunk every other heart related experience we could ever possibly have. We attach meaning, weight, significance and you can literally watch someone's face change as the subject arises. I'm here to assure you... those scars don't last forever. Sure the deeper one's may take a few years to lighten and soften but they will, both the physical and emotional ones...

Stepping Outside of Myself

Since it has been some time since I've written what I would consider a good & decent blog, my creative spark is taking few moments to really begin to burn. My sole purpose here today is to help re-ignite my creativity, which I've felt has almost been blown out in my steps in balancing out my life over the past year. A full cycle has come to pass. I moved here to the Lansing area a year ago this week. The foundation of which I built my life upon in the 4 years prior shifted, dramatically. The 4 years prior had been about ME. All about me. I got sober, I was in nursing school, I left AA, I quit smoking, I lost weight. I set out on a journey to fix me, get to know me, better me, & love me. And I did. All of the things in my life that helped me to do all of this, seemed to *poof* leave my life with a single truck load of things, my cat, and my plants as the decision was made on a Thursday afternoon to start something new, with someone else, somewhere else. Here I was 2 hours away from everything that helped keep me stay grounded over the last 4 years; no gym, no yoga, no uncle, no sober friends who had walked the journey with me. With the same fervor I used to better me, I began pouring everything I knew about who I was & life in general into this relationship I came here for. After all, it was something I had never experienced. A committed? Healthy? Loving relationship?! What was that?!?! 5 years ago I couldn't even fathom what that was like. It was something that required all of me for it to grow. And it has. I finally understand contentment. I finally live in the sweet spot I have searching for my entire life. Here is balance, and most significantly, it's not about me anymore.

So herein lies my work.

I've realized that over the last 5 years, I could have been a much better friend. I could have been a much better daughter, niece, sister, cousin, & girlfriend. I have always considered myself extremely blessed in the area of friends. God has always put the most amazing people in my life, and I have allowed them to feel less than important. I have allowed them to fade out of my life because of my inability to show them how much they meant to me through my actions. I've begun the journey of stepping outside of myself. Of rebuilding what can still be re-built. This is not self-pity; I did that weeks ago. This is an acknowledgment of a weakness, a bringing of the darkness into the Light. Whereas I have attacked many areas of my life with determination and gusto; this one requires patience, gentleness, humility, & grace. It requires an understanding that it is not in my control, I can simply give without expectation, as many have given to me. This is my apology. This is my thank you. You all know who you are. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

Dot