Sweetness

I'm a much more productive human being when I'm not on Facebook.

And when I say "not on Facebook" I mean... not even signed up, not even having an active profile. There's something about Facebook that distracts me from life. From myself, from things I need to cultivate within myself. I deactivated my account months ago and didn't look back until I realized that I still loved to blog, and Facebook happened to be my biggest fan. Where else was I going to post them?

I've spent the majority of my life looking for answers to the hard questions. The questions that may not have an answer. I've spent the last 6+ years searching for my own answers. Digging deep within my own psyche and cleaning out muck that had accumulated from all the years before. People are fascinating. I'm fascinating. I consider myself lucky to have this insatiable appetite to figure myself out, to grow, and evolve. I also consider myself lucky to have been part of so many others' similar journey. One of the big things I've learned is that we often subconsciously avoid our issues. Wonder why people show up in our lives when they do? Or do the things they do? Because people are mirrors. Always, constantly offering you the opportunity to look at yourself. I've also learned that when just before it breaks, it hurts the worst. It truly does seem "darkest before the dawn." You feel as if you cannot take much more. Anger, anxiety, & the urge to give way to the same old thing and stop fighting for something new seems so sweet it makes your mouth water. It's an illusion of freedom. We mistake that giving up for surrender. We mistake giving in for standing still but strong. The freedom comes from breaking the old habits, and letting them lie where they may. Of not only breaking the metaphorical chains, but not carrying around the metaphorically cuffs either. I've spent my life using drugs, alcohol, food, sex, and even Facebook to distract myself from growth. We all do it. My goal over the last 6 years has simply been to become more conscious, and sometimes yes, I'm a little too deep for some, and sometimes the rabbit hole seems to open up and swallow me whole. Sometimes I'm too deep for myself. But it is these places I find the most amazing things about life, about people, & about myself.

Don't be afraid to ask yourself the hard questions. To be honest, and ask others to do the same. We are so afraid of what we would learn about ourselves if God forbid, we sat in some silence. If we asked ourselves, "What is this person I cannot stand reflecting to me about myself?" "Who am I when I'm not being productive?" "What does enough feel like?" What if for JUST A MOMENT we slowly, step by step removed any thoughts of the past along with any feelings of how it should or should not have been; then take a breath and release thoughts and anticipation of the future, and simply sit with ourselves. If we ask yourselves what would it feel like, if just for a moment, I completely and totally accept my life as it is without any kind of desire for it to be any different... what would that feel like? That my friends is the sweetness that should make your mouth water.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Priorities

"No one more directly affects your life than the person you choose to spend it with."

Just incase you were wondering... that's my quote, I said that. And it's true. I would imagine most people's initial response would be NO! My children do! Well, yes, children do very much and very drastically affect your life, but who affects those children almost as much as you do? The person you choose to spend your life with. If they parent those children or not, that person directly affects everything in your life. So the question then becomes, do you like how this person affects your life?

There comes a point when your family takes precedence. The family that becomes yours, that you create should be your primary focus. Everything and everyone else becomes secondary. No that doesn't meant do not take care of yourself or pursue your dreams, if anyone knows me they know I am a huge advocate of change, taking leaps, and being true to yourself. But I do believe there is a level of respect and honor that you give your immediately family (you, your significant other, and your children) that places them above other members of your family such as your parents and your siblings. As we grow, the roles people play in our lives change. And at one point, your parents and your siblings were your immediate family and they did come first, but somehow that shifts, and it needs to. Everyone goes on their own way. I'm not saying do not help your family, because yes, that IS what family does, we love and support each other. We give of ourselves, our energy, our money, our space, etc... when we can. When our family is taken care of. Just as you cannot take care of anyone else if you haven't taken care of yourself. The family you  create becomes part of you. They are an extension of you and before you can give to someone outside that, you must ensure that all is well within. Let me be clear that I am not talking about someone whom you are dating, or been in a long term relationship but have not made that commitment to each other. I am also not talking about those people who have a tendency to forget everyone and everything and loose themselves within each relationship that comes along and lasts only months. I'm talking about those who have decided that yes, this person is this person I want to spend my life with, and make that decision again and again.

That's were I'm at. I'm grateful for it, and I offer no apologies. This is a beautiful life. Far greater than I ever imagined. Even on the rough days, I love the way she affects my life. The bigger picture always brings me home.

With Grace & Gratitude...

What If

What if for just a moment, I became okay with everything as it is right now. What if I felt for just a moment that I struggled with nothing. Nothing. I did not struggle with compulsive over-eating, I did not struggle with letting the past go, I did not struggle with allowing myself to be happy. What would that be like? It becomes very quiet. When I let go of worry, a space opens inside of me that allows for manifestation to happen. It frees up tremendous energy to put towards other things, like my dreams, like connecting with my partner. It frees me up to feel the woman inside of me who doesn't really get the chance to shine. The woman who is confident, sure, able to make decisions and face the consequences of those decisions whether they be good or bad... face them and let them go. Someone who regrets nothing, but humble enough to admit when she is wrong, grieve for a moment and move foward. There is this woman inside of me that is closer to who I truly am than anything I've ever known. She moves confidently and gracefully. She feels her emotions but does not allow them to engulf her. I can feel her there. It's not about becoming anything, about changing or doing as much as it is about simply letting go. Feeling that space inside of you where there is peace, where there is strength. It's about allowing that space to open up and grow. Everything happens for a reason, even the good things. It's okay to have good things happen. To embrace my life as it is right now, because it is a good life. I deserve it. To let go of the struggle of finding reason to not fully enjoy this life as it is. I've accepted all the "bad" things in my life. Believing they have given way to something greater. Well, so have the good things. I wouldn't be here, if I were not suppose to be here.

No Choice but to Release

Okay, so there's always a choice. but the energy of the last few days has not felt that way at all.

What's going on!?
The collective energy the last several days seems to be pushing that which no longer serves the greater good to the surface for release. Many people are experiencing similar symptoms that range from a vague sense of waking up on the wrong side of the bed to migraine headaches and emotional outbursts. It just depends on where you're at in your spiritual journey and how sensitive you are to these shifts. This one seems to be pretty intense. And no matter how "sensitive" you are it will be felt on some level.  I'm writing this because I'm watching people struggle to feel okay these last few days and it helps to have an understanding of what's going on and to know that you are not alone. You are not the only one experiencing emotional outbursts, extreme fatigue, restlessness, impatience, and body aches. Obviously those are not the only symptoms, but those seem to be the most common this go around.

I'm watching the energy move up people's chakra systems starting at the root. As it clears, its circling back up and down to the chakra above the first one. What you feel is almost a tingling sensation, or a nauseous sensation where the energy is moving through and a heaviness or numbness where the energy has already been. It's okay. It's clearing. The best thing to do is allow it to happen. Be gentle with yourself and others. Understand we are all going through this together. Avoid addictive behaviors, watch your thoughts and do things that relax you and raise your vibration like taking a salt bath, gaze out the window, breathe light into the areas of your body that feel blocked or sick, inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth. Google some grounding, clearing, and releasing techniques. See what resonates with you and try it. What the heck right? The most important thing is just to remember to let it be. Don't fight it. Do not struggle, simply observe, notice, & feel. The collective energy is pushing it up and out. LET IT. Just breathe. Our attempts and fighting that are only going to make it worse.

What to expect?!
February is about going inward. Mother nature is forcing us in doors, within ourselves, with the people closest to us who most able to help reflect back to us things we need to see. And well sometimes, this sucks, really sucks. It's painful and irritating, but in the same instance it's beautiful. It's a healing. There are more winter storms predicted and artic temperatures. The energy of February is very stagnant, and I believe Mercury is going to be in retrograde for most of the month which effects communication of all kinds. There also seems to be a sense of doing those things we've been putting off out of fear. Once we are made to sit still long enough (as sweet February is graciously doing for us) it feels as if we have no choice but to act upon things which we've allowed to lay dormant inside of us.  Mercury in retrograde isn't typically a good time to sign contracts, make big life decisions, etc... but this one has a different feel to it. It feels okay to do those things we've been putting off that will quite possible move us forward into new and uncharted territories in March and continue for the rest of the year.

I've never been one to sugar coat much so I will be honest, I have a feeling February is going to be rough for many of us, but the energy really clears up the first week of March.  We are going to feel trapped, anxious, and edgy. It is about letting go. We humans don't usually take the initiative to look at ourselves and our life when there is no discomfort, so Spirit has to create it for us. Spend some time with yourself. Our job is to keep our intention on healing and release. To take it one day at a time and be gentle with each other. When it's all over, we will be that much lighter, and that much more capable of moving forward in our lives and in our world. It truly begins within each of us. Our world is merely a reflection of the collective consciousness. It's time we get our of our heads and into our hearts. When all else fails, just remember, this too shall pass.  Hang in there Blessings.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Wounds

"It's not about the wounds from our past relationships, its about the wounds we are creating in each other in our current relationship and we need to figure out how to help the other one heal those wounds without our egos getting all worked up."

That might have been one of the most profound things I've ever said to my significant other. The goal, the mutual goal, should always be to help the other become the best version of themselves. That's why it's so important to mean what you say and be mindful with our words. It's okay to point out less than positive aspects of the other's personality but it must be done with love, with the intention of simply bringing it to the others attention. Maybe they will reflect on that, maybe they won't. That is not of our concern. But if it is re-iterated that our mutual understanding is to always help the other person be a better version of themselves, then that will allow each person to listen a little more intently and be a little less defensive. As always, the change begins with us. You get what you give. It's about giving anyway. If we stayed concerned with what we are or are not getting out of our relationships, we are missing the whole point. So, it begins with me. Be the change. Right? Yes. In those moments though, sometimes all you can do is breathe. Keep breathing and keep listening. In the grand scheme of things its about loving, giving, growing, and being true to yourself all in the same boat. Life has always been about learning. What are the principles you live your relationship by? What questions can we ask ourselves to get the most out of where we are right now? What is being presented as an opportunity to learn? In what ways are we being loving? In what ways are our egos blocking the possibility of growth? Are we being true to ourselves here while being kind? And might it be true that it is more difficult to apply these principles the closer we are to someone, although you would thing it would be the other way around?

As I get older I realize, you have no where to run. Any advice you receive simply brings you inward, back to your own, back to yourself to that part of you that does not belong to you. It is part of something greater. There is no such thing as advice. Don't ask what you should do, ask what they have done in similar situations. It is shared experience. Take what works for you and leave the rest. We are all teachers; we are all students.

With Grace & Gratitude...

To Capture Forever

"To Capture Forever" - It's just a lyric. Nothing special, no initial deeper meaning, it was just there, in my ears in the same moment my cursor took it's place in the title bar. But somehow seemed fitting.

I forgot how much I love bookstores... and coffee. Starbucks coffee to be exact. I've spent the last 2 hours or so walking around reading bits and pieces of art. Of peoples' advice, opinions, lives, & experiences. It's beautiful. Coffee house music enveloping me as I walk the isles completely content with my White Peppermint Mocha in hand. The only discouraging fact is that I have only half a battery life on my laptop, and surprisingly they don't have plugs. Guess I better write fast if I want to write. I was reminded today of my deep desire to write a memoir. To share my experience, strength, & hope as the say in Alcoholics Anonymous. Those things, along with my weaknesses, my perceived failures, my whole self as I know it. Self absorbed? Narcissistic? I guess that is left to the opinions of others. If it touches people, if it changes lives and inspires people to be who they are, to face their fears, it would seem it would be serving a grander purpose. If it didn't, that's okay too. The process alone would be an incredible personal fulfillment within itself. An incredible drawn out and in depth reflection upon my life. Reflection & introspection have always been one of my favorite places. I have found much peace & healing within that sacred process. A fearless & searching moral inventory. Although I no longer consider myself "part of the program" I cannot deny the impact some of its more powerful "suggestions" have had on my life.  I love this place so much right now. I love coffee houses, acoustic type music, writing, and people watching. It feels so good here. I should come here more often.

This. Here. Does something for my soul. It allows it to be open. Connected. Even though I am a mere observer. "Bring me a higher love" covered by James Vincent McMorrow playing in my ear buds... I watch three gentlemen discuss books, write, & sip their coffees. The first two sat alone and delighted in each others company for some time. They are all smiling & laughing. And I cannot judge. I have no idea what they are talking about, all I see is happiness. It's a beautiful thing. Aware there is always a balance to be maintained. Balance of reflection with present moment being. The flowing between the two gives my heart & soul feet to dance and music to follow. When I can be an observer of the world & lost within my own. When I can create my own sacred space within, and simply be part of the world without allowing myself to be effected or attempting to effect it. To simply be. And I am inspired.

With Grace & Gratitude...

It's Never About the Bread

I didn't eat the bread.

Although that may seem insignificant, it's not. I've spent the last year and a half figuring out what works for me now. Waiting to feel that peace again within myself in regards to my relationship to food. Because it changed when I got here. It has been a challenge for me to continue loosing weight since two of my meals usually include the consideration of another person. Another person who doesn't necessarily eat the same kinds of foods I do. It has been a challenge to find that balance again. I've felt helpless without a cardio partner who was willing to hit the gym last minute at all hours of the night and without high-intensity interval workouts at a private gym. But I have 65lbs to loose, and I will finally be at goal weight, and I want that for myself. I've worked extremely hard to get where I am, and the last year and a half has simply been a different kind of struggle.  But today, I didn't eat the garlic bread. They say it's about small breakthroughs. And that's what it felt like. I ate at least 600 calories in chocolate today, I haven't been to the gym in 5 days, and I haven't lifted weights in 6 weeks. But when I sat down to dinner I made a decision to not eat the garlic bread, I didn't go back for seconds, I had a salad as my side AND my portion was small. I didn't continue to sabotage my efforts. A shift. I didn't realize ANY of this until about 20 min ago. I couldn't help but to smile, to feel gratitude & happiness. It felt like forgiveness. Like I had let go of my expectations, of the past, of clinging to the old ways of what worked but weren't here now, to work with. For the first time in months, I felt a sense of freedom. Like the obsession was lifted, again... finally. Spirit has been working over-time in y life lately, or maybe I'm just taking the time to notice. Whichever the case, I am grateful.

With Grace & Gratitude...