Forgiveness

"I read your post and while I was reading it, a question popped into my head. I'd like to know what you think. Have I forgiven someone if I sometimes feel negative feelings about that person?"

This was an email I received from a friend after they read one of my previous blogs. I was kind of excited, having felt like one of those people in the magazines that people write in with questions. haha I was like yaaay. Almost as excited I was when I realized I had two new followers and NO idea who they were! Within just a few moments that excitement turned into arrogance, and my ego was ready to go to town on this question. SO, I prayed. I meditated. And two hours later... I answered his question, just before asking God to be guide my words, and push my ego aside. I'm interested to hear how other people feel about this very same question. So please, leave comments if you wish! "Have we forgiven someone if we sometimes feel negative feelings about that person?"

I keep wanting to say no, but I have a few elaborations I'd like to share.

Forgiving someone totally and fully for everything I'd say you would have ZERO negative feelings for them. You would feel only love for them as a person. Doesn't mean you're gonna be there best friend or even have to talk to them, but every time you think of them for any reason, Love is all you feel in your heart. You truly wish them all the good in the world, that you would have for yourself and more. You want only the best for them.

Let's say it's someone your friends with now. You can forgive someone for doing whatever a year ago, but then they can do something last week and now your angry again. Does that mean you didn't forgive them last year? Not necessarily, you may or may not have. But lets say you did. So you legitimately forgave them last year, now this year... you feel a resentment boiling. You can call it addict thinking, you can call it ego bullshit, you can call it negativity, it doesn't really matter.... whatever IT is that fuels the feeling of unforgiveness/anger/resentment/negative thoughts will grow larger wherever ANY unloving thoughts reside; a forest fire literally starts from a spark.

Also, I'd ask myself is it really even them? Right now I'm working through some issues I have with a girl I go to school with. She seems to really like me, but I have my own issues with her. Those negative thoughts are  grown more from a lack of acceptance of who she is, but my question then becomes... What is she reflecting back at me that I refuse to accept about/within myself?

I've thought about my feelings towards her a lot.. and here's what I've come up with (but this is as far as I've gotten) I'm afraid she's going to push my buttons, and the calm, serene Dottie is going to go right out the window and I'm going to rip her apart with my words in front of an audience. The reason this bothers me (one more layer of the onion) is that I have a deep rooted fear of what other people think about me. SO if I do that, what are they going to think? Are they going to think I'm a fake? (am I being fake?) Are they going to think I"m crazy? (Am I crazy?) Are other people going to be afraid of me? So really, her being who she is, (that I am not accepting of right now), somehow hits some of my most delicate issues (which are rooted in fear). Because yeah, deep down, I'm afraid that maybe I AM really just fucking nuts and need to be locked up somewhere. So until I'm strong and confident in who I am and where I'm at right now... I just might always have negative thoughts about (and I quote with a sarcastic grin) "her" :) Because really, it's not about her, or him, or whoever. It's about us.

What are we really feeling? Is it betrayal? Anger? Guilt? Shame? Fear? I think the fuzzier or more vague the answer appears the deeper the core issue lies. I've been doing some exercises from a book about weight loss and I made a list of everyone I held unloving thoughts of. Which to me was similar to a resentment list but it took it one step further. Resentments are HUGE, but they start somewhere, possibly from tiny unloving thoughts? You put in a room with a people where I harbor maybe one or two unloving thoughts a piece, I'm gonna start feeling REALLY uncomfortable.

Example: thoughts I've had at a meeting before. "Why does he always where those fucking jogging pants, disgusting. She needs to wash her hair, Oh.. here we go again.. same shit different day... either change or quit bitching. Where is so and so, omg are they back out? Oh shit, I think I owe her an amends. Ugh, I really don't like that guy... and couldn't tell you why" THEN I feel guilt because some of these may be people I genuinely care for, and we may even consider each other a friend! And I start question what kind of friend am I if I sit here and smile in their face and have all these terrible thoughts about them?! So how can I have these feelings about them? Because it's not about them, it's about me :) What do I feel is disgusting about myself? What do I whine about and never change? How afraid am I that *I* may go back out?

So, wow. I had no idea this would be this long, but I hope it answers your question or helps in some way, lol. :) When making my list I needed a gauge to kind see who I had unloving thoughts for.... I decided upon a hug gauge. I imagined that person asking for a hug. How hesitant was I to give that hug? And what were my thoughts just after they asked?

Awareness & willingness. The rest will unfold effortlessly, because you're not the one doing it anyway ;).

Love & Light
Dottie

Being Aware & Willing

"Learning to love people, even if they're near impossible to love.. Learning to let go of my fears and resentments.. Learning to stop worrying about what others think of me.. Learning to REALLY listen to God & focus on His desires instead of my own. Learning. And that's what I'll be doing for the rest of my time on the Earth.. Learning. ♥" - M.C. - I couldn't have wrote that better myself, and yet it fits my life so perfectly right now.

As I watched the cursor blink, I asked myself. What's in my heart right now? What do I feel? Then with little time to await an answer I began typing. Then realized feeling, is one of the very last things I like to do. I noticed a hundred things within seconds. I heard my Uncle and his girfriend talking, I felt my feet on the desk, I noticed the fresh brushed feeling of my teeth, became aware I was wearing my glasses and that my left eye was weak, and yet just before I noticed how I felt inside, in my heart... I began typing. After the first few words I thought, wow, feeling is one of the very last things I like to do, isn't it? Esepcially in moments like this when I've spent the last few hours exploring what it was I was feeling, and what I could do to get rid of it. Writing lists, journaling, breathing, walking, eating an entire bag of funyons. I prayed. I thought, ya know. I'm in nursing school right now. I really don't have time to face my food addiction, work these fucking steps, and make lists of all these people I hold unloving thoughts against, which is WAAAAY long (as I thought it might be). Somewhere though, from inside of me arose this feeling of it's not my job to heal me. I've been praying for a miracle. My job is to remain ready and willing to carry out God's will, and stay out of my own way. This feeling of just be aware and willing and go to sleep. Wake up and study, and allow God to take care of the rest.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm gonna take my crabby, over-analyzing, secretly-overachieving ass to bed. (That literally made me lol, and brought a genuine smile to my face.) I'm not going to set an alarm, and I'm going to sleep in. I take a moment and acknowledge where I've been, and feel gratitude for where I am... right now. I live a life built on self-discovery, a journey choked full of Light, Lessons, & Love.

Dottie

Call It What It Really Is, Fear.

Since my psych rotation began I've reflected much upon my own beliefs as they are now, my expierences, and asked God to show me truth and provide me with an open mind to accepting the truth as it is, whatever it may be. I voiced today in class about my beliefs of some psychiatric diagnosis being over used, especially bi-polar, depression, and ADD. The symptoms are being addressed, not the core issue. In a instant gratifying, self-seeking, pain avoiding society we are too quick to put labels and ask for meds. It's fear. And it's killing us. We are afraid to tell what we feel, we are afraid to feel what we feel, we are afraid it's going to hinder or create more drama in our lives, afraid of what people are going to think, afraid to look within, afraid to know who we really are... and its killing us. We are killing ourselves, and killing each other.

The mind is the connector between body and spirit. Just as spirit is the connector of body and mind. Without one, the other two cannot exist; without balance, none of them can exist harmoniously. The mind is the conciousness. The plane in which we make our decisions. Everything, EVERYTHING. Is about balance. Everything has an opposite, everything has a center in which no pull exists on either side, neutrality. The balance can either come from the dead center, or from equal weight being on both sides; either way, there is a negation of pull, and it is neutral. It just is. Every natural thing seen and unseen operates in cycles and homeostasis (the maintence of balance, in which every part may work together beautifully, not pulling from or on but supporting every other part).

So where does the mind fit? It's ability to choose consciously inhibits, but cannot stop this natural flow. We can make a choice apply our will or allowing ourselves to flow with what is already happeneing. We think we are so smart. Yet, we are hurting ourselves and each other. We are causing ourselves undue suffering. If the mind is the connector between spirit world and earth world, we have to conciously choose to maintain a balance, or atleast be open to a balance being maintained. I reflected on a friend's manic episode today in class, and remember telling him "I don't know where you are, but come back." I watched him a week before throw himself out of balance, choosing (with the mind) go farther into the spirit plane. The mind can go either way, it's neither here or there; It's neither spirit or body, it's both, or neither (I'm not entirely sure)... but it definately has the ability to be with one or the other. If we conciously choose to align more and with the earth plane and go too far on the scale, chaos, confusion, addiction, lonliness, anger, fear, all of those will regin... because we are choosing to farther away from spirit; we are choosing seperation. If we go too far into the spirit plane we become scattered, psychotic, hallucinating, delusional etc, because we are in a place no one else is, a place their eyes cannot see, but this doesn't make it less real. Just because I can't see or feel your feeling's of disspointment, doesn't mean they don't exist.

My question is this, What are they running from? What pain are they avoiding, what memory are they desperately trying to forget, what fear has arisen from their subconcious they no longer can even recognize as a fear or a problem? What energy did they bask in for so long it eventually became part of them? Like a body rotting in the earth?

People aren't bi-polar, depressed, or whatever other fucking label "experts" can but on them. They are desperatly seeking love, connection, and wholeness in such a feverish fashion they are oblivious to the fact they are getting lost deeper and deeper into the woods. Start where they are, and bring them back. Yes, that may mean a shot of Ativan to bring people back down from "psychosis" or going too far into the spirit world, or hospitalization because they are so far into the earth realm death is their soultion because earth is  too painful. Both instances are attempts and connected with the Divine, either through going as far as being alive on earth will allow, or removing the "being alive" issue all together. So, once there is some sort of balance... let's go in. Let's find out what works for them. Ask them what THEY think will work for them. Let's figure out the true cause of why they were running in the woods in the first place instead of just giving them a few camping utensils to survive amongst the darkness.

"In every man, woman, and child there is an inherent knowing of God." It is that longing we can't explain, the actin we took and don't know why. Subconciously, we want balance. We want sillness. We want God. If God is Love, then what we really want is love, and if we felt we weren't getting it where we were, then we're going somewhere else, because we're human we will choose to throw ourselves out of balance. Until we realize that choosing Love happens within the mind, and is the only thing necessary to allow ourselves to feel Love, then we are choosing fear. Because everything has an opposite, and the opposite of Love is fear.  And well,  fear is killing us.

A Course in Miracles states, "The process of psychotherapy is the return of sanity. Teacher and pupil, therapist and patient are all insane or they would not be here. Together they can find a pathway out, for no one will find sanity alone...Let him be still and recognize his brother's need, is his own."

They say teaching something is the best way to learn it. It's true. I teach Love and healing because I need to learn it. I need it in my life. I recognize that what I see you needing in your life, is a reflection of what I need in mine. It's about Love, always has been, always will be.

Choose Love.

Love & Light,
Dottie

Allowing Others, Yet Denying Myself

"I allow others to be who they are, yet deny myself the same freedom."

That was the thought I had this morning. Then I reflected up on it. Recently I've realized I'm always on guard just a little, there's always a wall there about halfway. I'm always afraid of what people are going to cause to rise up within my psyche. Afraid of what they will do to my serenity, my emotional or spiritual energies. I'm all about protecting myself because I don't know what demons you've got lurking in and around you, and I sure the hell don't need them, I have enough of my own. I'm afraid of people making me angry, afraid of people draining me, needing me too much (because I'm afraid of letting them down. So if I don't allow people to "need" me then, I can't let them down." In meditation this morning I thought of how many times I've said, "I'm afraid of myself." The amount of fear that I have hidden for 25 years is astounding. I'm like really? I'm riddled with fear. If I cannot be comfortable with myself and God, it's nearly impossible to be comfortable with anyone else. If I'm terrified that *I* am going to hurt me, then why would I think anyone else won't? I can't/don't even trust myself. It's no wonder I trust no one else. The safest I do feel is with myself, yet I still don't feel safe. I'm afraid of the feelings I may feel when no one else is around, and although it has been quite some time since I have physically hurt myself, the fear that obsession or compulsion may return is there. A Course in Weight Loss says being alone with our addiction or compulsion is like being alone with a mad man. It's true. The remedy is to reach out, to be with people. Which is also true. I've seen it be true in my recovery from alcoholism. I've blogged before that I think the reason I like to blog is because it's a false sense of intimacy. If I blog publicly, I'm not entirely hiding, but God forbid I tell you this in person. I told mys sponsor the other day something along the lines of I don't feel deserving of the good people do for me. She said that was bullshit. She was right, I knew it, but I needed to know if what was bullshit... then what was the truth. It's not that I don't feel deserving. It's that I don't want to feel obligated. If you do for me, then I feel like I have to do for you, well I don't like doing ANYTHING I feel like I have to do. I like to do what Dottie likes to do. I had a friend get me something really sweet for my birthday last year. I got her nothing. I feel guilt EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I think about the fact she got me something, and I got her nothing. I look at my Uncle and think, nothing I ever do in my life can repay him for what he's given and done for me. I can't give him back the 30,000 + miles I've probably put on his Envoy. I can't give him back the 5,000 dollars I owe him right now. I can't give back to him the time and energy he has spent helping me get on my feet. How do I repay him when my debt is having a roof over my head for no other reason that he loves me and wants me to do well? I can't pay that back. Shit, apparently I can't even accept it. So, maybe under the I don't want to receive because I don't want to feel obligated to repay, is I just don't know how to receive. I don't know how to just allow good in. I want to give it away as quickly as I get it. Because I'm a very blessed woman, and I want to give to others, but first I need to give to myself. Or is it the other way around? :) All I know is that I got up at 5:30 this morning, I've meditated and my coffee turned out great. I also know that know matter what is going on in my head, God ha something bigger going on in my heart.

"I'm receiving all good now." - The card I drew this morning. Quite fitting.

Dear God, may I find safety, security, and Love within myself and You. May I receive all good graciously and know I am deserving. My I give good graciously as I am guided by You. Thank you for my willingness and clarity to know myself better. Thank you for the miracles happening at this very moment. Amen

Love & Light
Dottie

Staying out of my own way

It's 12:52am. My alarm is set for 7:30 to give myself a head start on having to get up early, this psych rotation for nursing school is a dayshift, and well if you didn't already know... I'm a night person :). Well, except for the next 5 weeks & starting tomorrow apparently.

I've drank two cups of hot bedtime tea, I've read, washed my face, pulled cards, made me tenative schedule, and know that sleeping would be a good idea. However, all I really want to do is write, and I don't even know where to start. I want to talk about how amazing it is to watch my life fall together more beautifully than it ever has. My eyes are filling with tears because I've learned to feel again and gratitude that I've spoken about is now being felt, it's amazing. I began a blog about balance. I smiled as I was giving a concious intention to maintain a balance between excercise, rest, yoga, school, recovery meetings, meditaion, spritual study, school study, saving money. It looks promising. I say tenative schedule and asked God to put me where I should be when I should be there this week, but would like to give myself some sort of structure.

I've reflected on life. Which is one of my favorite things to do. I've become aware of my ability to create and maintain boundries. I've noticed I speak with a knowing that what I say is important, and I deserve to be heard, just as everyone does... therefore I listen better now. It's about progress not perfection. I'm making changes, or rather changes are making me. I thought today about how the universe will take me where I need to be and bring about more blessings than I can imagine... it's all on it's way, my only job is to stay out of my own way. Guess it's time for bed.

Guess It's Meant to Remain "Untitled"

 "I am still and wait here in the silence, until you come and sit a while with me"

    I've been slowing down. There's definately a different vibe in going about my will, and going about God's. My relationship with God is changing dramatically. I don't entirely understand it. But I feel the change. Yes, there are fears, outward superficial fears. It's as if I've traded deep seated fears about life, survival, and growth as a whole for little fears like people mocking my faith. 

I'm amazed at the amount of patience God has given me in such a little time. I really thought it would be a much more arduous and time consuming project, this whole learning patience thing. Maybe it was more an un-learning of impatience.

All I did, was ask God to show me the truth. It was that simple, and that clear "God, please show me the truth." - while driving in my car, humbled and tired, on my way to yoga. Tired of fighting, exauhsted by my own self-will driven search. I hadn't felt his presence in months. I hadn't felt anything in months. I remember praying and saying, "Logically I know I still believe in you, because I'm still talking to you, but I can't feel you, I don't know where you are." - many times I had said that. Within two hours of asking God to show me the truth, I was flooded with emotions I hadn't felt in a very long time, mainly anger, anger towards God. I never, ever thought I could be angry with God. ha. I was, he knew I was. I yelled and screamed, and cried, and even cussed. Through sobbing, hysterical sobbing I screamed "If it was planned I would drink after having 2  1/2 years of continous sobriety that's FUCKED UP".... and then it was gone. That moment did something. I was open again, and more grateful than I had been in a very long time. It was an admittance of how I truly felt, without judgement, without fear, without shame. I was angry at God, my denial of that fact had left me feeling alone for months. Not His reactions to my anger... but my shame that I was angry at the The Man Himself, left me feeling abandoned, more angry, and so very alone. "God has no ego which to be offended." And after my screaming, yelling, cussing fit... I realized it was over; it was as if God said "Finally, don't you feel better now? Let's move on, I love you."

I'm realizing how easily my life flows when I do allow things to unfold naturally, when I listen and be true to myself and what my hearts true desires are. Being honest with myself, with others. Patience in knowing that God really does have a bigger plan. I thought my faith was so strong before, thinking how can it be any stronger? < That should have been my first clue it was ego ran ;) Oh well, it got me to where I am right now, right here, today. Miracles happen everyday, all around me. I'm a very blessed woman. I can say that now, and feel it in my heart. Time to go spread joy & laughter amongst my elders, and learn whatever it is they are here to teach me.

Love & Light
Dottie

H - This may have been for you. <3 I'm not sure, I just wrote it :)

A Mirror of Self: She's Fat

     The site of her instantaneously makes me curl up my nose and just stare at her. I usually start at her ankles, noticing how tiny her feet look against her humongous legs. She big. Very big. And it's apparent I have issues with her, because she's big. Of course the question is what am I seeing in her that is being reflected back, but that is not the point of this blog. The point is to be entirely honest with myself about how I feel about her, let it go and allow Love and compassion to flow freely. I watch her walk with her cane and think, you have to know the reason you walk with a cane is because you are extremely overweight right? I see a wasted life. I see someone dying before there time. I see an unnecessary struggle to live and function a daily basis. I see the possibility of who I could be without constant self-reflection and fearless facing of my demons. I don't respect her. How could I? I can't stand to be in the same room with her. And when she sits at my nurses station I just want to kick the back of her chair and tell her to move her fat ass. I wonder what she looks like naked, and if her husband even remotely finds her attractive? How could he? Was she always this big? What does he look like? Maybe he's a big fat fucking blob too, then I guess it wouldn't matter, she doesn't see it in herself, he doesn't see it in himself.... a beautiful blinded Love. Bastards. She's married? WTF. What about me? I just wanna rip her wedding ring off her finger, IF I  could get it off. AND it's huge! More karats than I've seen most woman wear. I admit, she's intelligent, and willing to help you with any question. However, shes' got a bit of a smart mouth, and I just look at her like really? REALLY. You want to be smart? Just shut the fuck up, I don't respect you anyhow. I wondered today how difficult it really is for her to take her shoes off. Where she shops. How much extra energy she wastes every single day on the most common and mundane activities. Can she whip her ass? Is it possible? When's the last time she had sex with her husband. What about when she's on her period? I mean, c'mon!!! She has body tissue literally falling all over the place, it's not pretty, it's not convenient, how much denial is this woman in? These already semi-gross aspects of life are multiplied in her case.  My nose is curled right now, disgusted. I'm just absolutely disgusted. I don't like her talking to me. I'd just assume pretend she's not there. I don't want to look at her, talk to her, nothing. I just want to look at her and be like so what's it like to weigh 500 lbs? I've watched you. You can't bend over to pick anything up. You're dependant on people around you. You can't fit in 9/10's of the chairs at our facility, it takes you 10 minutes to get in your car.... I've watched you. I've watched you in utter fear, terrified. Having said a thousand times in my life, "If I ever get that big, please, I beg you... please just shoot me" and I mean it.

The tears are sitting in my eyes already and I haven't even wrote anything. A chill just ran down my body, and my mind is thinking of anything to get me away from this computer. All of a sudden, I'm tired. My body and mind is shutting down, shutting it out. < This is what resistance looks like ladies and gentlemen. The moment I noticed myself staring at her ankles, I prayed. I asked God to free me from the thoughts of judgement I was having against her. I just realized I didn't pray for clarity. I asked to feel only Love and compassion for this woman who was obviously dying inside. I wondered why she hurt so much. I wondered what she really felt inside. I remembered moments of always being the first one to jump up to help her, only to cuss her under my breath. Recognizing I struggle with my own feelings towards her. Going out of my way every chance I get to enable this way of life. I become angry at her for handicapping herself. I recognize that in denying her freedom, I'm denying it to myself. If I look at her and become angry because she represents aspects, or potential aspects of my personality.... there is unforgiveness, there is a lack of love towards myself. And if I can't love myself completely and unconditionally, I am hindered in my spiritual growth. I'm ready to be whole, balanced. I'm on a mission. A mission to live the life God wants me to live and frankly, I'm tired of fucking around. So let's look at it... all of it; the good, the bad, the ugly. Somewhere in the back of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says the best way to get rid of a resentment is to pray for that person, ask God to grant them all the things you'd want for yourself. What does she want? I don't know. But I'm going to pray that she.... I don't even know where to start. Maybe I'm not there yet, but I'm willing; willing to be there whenever I'm ready to be there. I immediately went back to praying for myself, asking God to help me to release anger, help me to see clearly what I need to see, help me feel only love and compassion for her. But why would I want those things? None of that is helping her in anyway. Judgement. I'm full of judgement. A fearless and moral inventory. Yeah, that's where I'm at. There and here...

I recognize some aspect of her weight is reflecting an aspect of me and mine on a subconscious level, this reflection creates a panic inside of me, a fear. "Where ever the mind is not filled with Love, there is a propensity for insanity." All my hateful words and thoughts are really aimed at me. If she's a mirror, everything I say or do, is aimed right back at me. I wish to be free from this judgement and fear. I want to feel only Love when I look at her, when I look at me.

Dear God, please heal this part of me that is irritated when I look at her. I'm willing to release this anger in exchange for Love and peace. What is this teaching me? How can I help bring about the highest level of healing for both of us, for all of us? Amen.

Love & Light
Dottie