"Your not too tired, because you haven't given up, you're still fighting."
I heard that today as I climbed that precor machine with anger, passion, an almost psychotic purpose of... letting go. Angry because I was angry, angry because I didn't know what ot do to NOT feel angry, angry because I didn't have all the answers, angry because I was so angry I couldn't hear myself think. I had 15 minutes, and I was going to make it as painful as possible. I woke up angry, and all I wanted to do was sweat, breathe, and burn... burn whatever it was that was boiling up inside of me. I haven't been able to put the fire out, so I was willing to feed it so it would burn itself out. Is that surrender?
I sat in a circle last night amongst people who conciously choose everyday to connect with something greater than themselves, to understand themselves more. I sat with tears in my eyes and said over and over, "I'm so tired." Tired of working so hard at being a better person everyday. Tired of having to hold it all together. All signs point to letting go and letting God. To release my will, and my tendencies to predict and "have to know" the outcome. I'm resisting. I"m fighting. I'm tired. I've spent my whole life fighting. More times than I can count I've said "I'm a fighter" and I am. But where is the balance?
Where is the balance?
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
What I Really Want to Say
"What is it Dottie, what is it that you really want to say?"
"I don't care."
That's what I want to say. I don't care about your problems. IT is NOT my job to fix them, and I couldn't if I tried. I don't care about your story. I don't care what happened five years ago. I don't care to hear about you walling in self-pity. I don't care to hear the same old fucking story, over and over and over again like a broken record. I don't care to hear your opinions about MY problems, you weren't really listening anyways. You were just waiting on your turn to talk. I don't care to hear your useless conversation which usually entails bitching about something, just to break the silence. I'll keep my silence thank you. There are SO many people I really just want to look at and say exactly that..."I DON"T CARE" because it's time I speak my truth, and many times I just don't care.
I'm tired. Tired of nothing being heard. Tired of not being respected. Tired of doing things I don't want to do.
"I don't care."
That's what I want to say. I don't care about your problems. IT is NOT my job to fix them, and I couldn't if I tried. I don't care about your story. I don't care what happened five years ago. I don't care to hear about you walling in self-pity. I don't care to hear the same old fucking story, over and over and over again like a broken record. I don't care to hear your opinions about MY problems, you weren't really listening anyways. You were just waiting on your turn to talk. I don't care to hear your useless conversation which usually entails bitching about something, just to break the silence. I'll keep my silence thank you. There are SO many people I really just want to look at and say exactly that..."I DON"T CARE" because it's time I speak my truth, and many times I just don't care.
I'm tired. Tired of nothing being heard. Tired of not being respected. Tired of doing things I don't want to do.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Balance, Patience, Assertiveness, and Learning To Feel Again
Well, I'm not wanting to sleep apparently. I've not slept will this week. But when I asked myself what it is I'd rather be doing... I couldn't think of anything. So here I am. I've thought alot about being heard, respect, being assertive. So often I act like what I say doesn't matter, it does. It really does. I thought of Dee and how he just does not listen to me, he could care less what I have to say. So why would I waste my time talking ot him? We all deserve to be heard. As far as being assertive, there are people in my life that I feel I could do without, for instance Cathy. I have no desire for her to be in my life. And right now, I can't think of anyone else, no one that tries contacting me on the regular. Assertive is defined as confident aggression. There is a twinge of fear because I know there are some assertive lessons coming... right now the themes are balance with control, assertiveness, and patience. That's a hell of a combo if you ask me... that and learning to feel again. Opening up my heart and throat chakras.
I've thought of Scott. Amazed how how differently I've handled things as opposed to how I used to. It was shown to me that the cycle of being with someone that didn't want a relationship was over... Scott doesn't want a relationship therefore we aren't in one. It's not this half-ass shit like with Dee. It's over. For now anyways. But I found gratitude in that, that I wasn't caught up in another situation where I wanted more, he didn't, but gave me just enough to allow feelings to grow inside of me. I thought of calling/txting him several times today, but I kept reminding myself... if he wanted to talk to me, he'd contact me. He's a big boy. I'm worthy of being pursued, of being missed, of being thougth about and desired for. I'm worth all of that and more. Right now I'm keeping it to myself, lovign myself, and acknowledging my own beauty and power. Right now there's not a man in my life that is close enough or deserving enough for me to throw myself at them and flaunt my positive characteristics to try and reel them in, ha. And to keep myself honest, not a man that wants me too. lol Well there are a couple but not one's that I want to be with. They aren't waht I want. There is a strength that has manifested itself within me, and I"m liking it. I don't know if I'd be happy with him. There's a lot I don't know actually. A lot I will never know. Exaushting myself to find out all the answers is a waste of my time and energy, yet I've spent my whole life trying to figure everything out. I've had to be reminded who God is and who I am, because I've been trying to get God to carry out MY will... you can laugh, it's funny. It's all funny. Settling into quietness allows me to see my life like a movie, I'm an observer instead of the director.
I breathe. Breathing into my heart/throat chakras. I've spent lots of time in meditation lately exploring some issues. Seems my being ignored hatred comes from my mother. When I look into the world all I see is pain. I try to take it all on and get rid of it, but I can't. I'm angry at Mandy for the same reason I'm angry at my mohter, I took on their pain because I coudln't get rid of THEIR pain, but I could get rid of my own pain... so I made it mine, and I've carried it for some time. I'm done carrying other people's pain. I don't need to. I don't have to be afraid to feel because there is more than just pain in the world. There is love, either way... I don't have to take on either one, I can simply observe. Come out of my head, that's what Billie told me, that's what my card told me today... come out of my head and allow my heart to make some of the decisions. I can do that. There are things I need. There are people I need. Although I don't like to admit it there are "You act like you don't need me cause your afraid of being needy, you want your cake and eat it too I call that being greedy" - I love that line. It's from the Alone Again Remix. My Uncle, I need him. I like to think I need no one, nothing. That I alone can soley create a magnificent life for myself. The truth is, no I don't know for sure where I'd be without my Uncle, but something tells me I wouldn't be here. I like to think that I'm exactly were I'm suppose to be and with or without my Uncle I'd be here. But i'm nto so sure these days. He's here because I need him. I need people. I can't take life on alone.... THAT is the last addiction. Or so says the lady who wrote the book.
I've had several overwhelming desires to hit several meetings lately, and when I asked myself why I heard "Because I need to be reminded that I'm not God." I don't ahve to avoid everything I don't entirely agree with, I can learn to be assertive and express my stance without fear. To be okay with people questioning and disagreeing. To have faith in my ability to express myself. <- That is important. Baxter has been driving me nuts, Cathy has been driving me nuts, Dee has been getting on my nerves, and I have zero desire to talk to Mandy. I know there is an amends to be made, but until I know exactly what it is I'm sorry for and how to express it, I'm not talking to her. I see Cathy and I's relationship going in the same direction, I might as well nip it in the butt right now.
I'm going to 12 steps and beyond for the first time in a while tomorrow. I keep hearing Billie's voice reminding me that we don't know what's going to happen, ever, and that's okay. Ah, the joys of being a psychic :) Learning how to trust, but not actively try and bring about what it is you saw. To know that it's coming, naturally and just by flowing in the current of Love you are co-creating, conciously tryign to create invites the ego....
Some things I wonder if I'll ever change... my fb stalking tendencies... that alone makes me smile, brings some tears to my eyes. There is soooo much changing in my life right now. Changes are being made within and around me. It's beautiful. I've made tenative plans to be out of my Uncle's house before the first of next year. Details, I'm constantly leaving up to God. I'm amazed at how it seems Scott was a catalyst for SOOO much of the stuff I've learned and reflected upon over the last 3 weeks or so. It's just amazing. Beyond what my human mind can fathom. I almost forgot what it was like to not be able to sleep. I was reminded the other day when I saw Suzanne what it was like to be in so lost in so much pain. God bless her. I'm grateful for my sobriety. I've decided on March 12 I'm celebrating 3 years of sobriety. I've worked hard earning that. I will not hide or deny that I drank in September... but I'm not going to discount myself either for the 2 and ahalf years of work I put int BEFORE that night in September. There is osme fear there as how people are going to handle it, but (as I take a deep breathe) That's not something I can worry about. I feel like I earned it, and I'm going to congratulate myself.
Right now in this dark room, with the same song "All I need" playing over and over, I breathe deep and ask myself what I feel. I feel overwhelming Love. Tears want to come to my eyes. But I know there is more that I'm not feeling right now. I feel calm. I feel content? I'm not sure. I'm hoping all this rambling will allow me to sleep. Good night God, thanks for listening. ;)
Dottie
I've thought of Scott. Amazed how how differently I've handled things as opposed to how I used to. It was shown to me that the cycle of being with someone that didn't want a relationship was over... Scott doesn't want a relationship therefore we aren't in one. It's not this half-ass shit like with Dee. It's over. For now anyways. But I found gratitude in that, that I wasn't caught up in another situation where I wanted more, he didn't, but gave me just enough to allow feelings to grow inside of me. I thought of calling/txting him several times today, but I kept reminding myself... if he wanted to talk to me, he'd contact me. He's a big boy. I'm worthy of being pursued, of being missed, of being thougth about and desired for. I'm worth all of that and more. Right now I'm keeping it to myself, lovign myself, and acknowledging my own beauty and power. Right now there's not a man in my life that is close enough or deserving enough for me to throw myself at them and flaunt my positive characteristics to try and reel them in, ha. And to keep myself honest, not a man that wants me too. lol Well there are a couple but not one's that I want to be with. They aren't waht I want. There is a strength that has manifested itself within me, and I"m liking it. I don't know if I'd be happy with him. There's a lot I don't know actually. A lot I will never know. Exaushting myself to find out all the answers is a waste of my time and energy, yet I've spent my whole life trying to figure everything out. I've had to be reminded who God is and who I am, because I've been trying to get God to carry out MY will... you can laugh, it's funny. It's all funny. Settling into quietness allows me to see my life like a movie, I'm an observer instead of the director.
I breathe. Breathing into my heart/throat chakras. I've spent lots of time in meditation lately exploring some issues. Seems my being ignored hatred comes from my mother. When I look into the world all I see is pain. I try to take it all on and get rid of it, but I can't. I'm angry at Mandy for the same reason I'm angry at my mohter, I took on their pain because I coudln't get rid of THEIR pain, but I could get rid of my own pain... so I made it mine, and I've carried it for some time. I'm done carrying other people's pain. I don't need to. I don't have to be afraid to feel because there is more than just pain in the world. There is love, either way... I don't have to take on either one, I can simply observe. Come out of my head, that's what Billie told me, that's what my card told me today... come out of my head and allow my heart to make some of the decisions. I can do that. There are things I need. There are people I need. Although I don't like to admit it there are "You act like you don't need me cause your afraid of being needy, you want your cake and eat it too I call that being greedy" - I love that line. It's from the Alone Again Remix. My Uncle, I need him. I like to think I need no one, nothing. That I alone can soley create a magnificent life for myself. The truth is, no I don't know for sure where I'd be without my Uncle, but something tells me I wouldn't be here. I like to think that I'm exactly were I'm suppose to be and with or without my Uncle I'd be here. But i'm nto so sure these days. He's here because I need him. I need people. I can't take life on alone.... THAT is the last addiction. Or so says the lady who wrote the book.
I've had several overwhelming desires to hit several meetings lately, and when I asked myself why I heard "Because I need to be reminded that I'm not God." I don't ahve to avoid everything I don't entirely agree with, I can learn to be assertive and express my stance without fear. To be okay with people questioning and disagreeing. To have faith in my ability to express myself. <- That is important. Baxter has been driving me nuts, Cathy has been driving me nuts, Dee has been getting on my nerves, and I have zero desire to talk to Mandy. I know there is an amends to be made, but until I know exactly what it is I'm sorry for and how to express it, I'm not talking to her. I see Cathy and I's relationship going in the same direction, I might as well nip it in the butt right now.
I'm going to 12 steps and beyond for the first time in a while tomorrow. I keep hearing Billie's voice reminding me that we don't know what's going to happen, ever, and that's okay. Ah, the joys of being a psychic :) Learning how to trust, but not actively try and bring about what it is you saw. To know that it's coming, naturally and just by flowing in the current of Love you are co-creating, conciously tryign to create invites the ego....
Some things I wonder if I'll ever change... my fb stalking tendencies... that alone makes me smile, brings some tears to my eyes. There is soooo much changing in my life right now. Changes are being made within and around me. It's beautiful. I've made tenative plans to be out of my Uncle's house before the first of next year. Details, I'm constantly leaving up to God. I'm amazed at how it seems Scott was a catalyst for SOOO much of the stuff I've learned and reflected upon over the last 3 weeks or so. It's just amazing. Beyond what my human mind can fathom. I almost forgot what it was like to not be able to sleep. I was reminded the other day when I saw Suzanne what it was like to be in so lost in so much pain. God bless her. I'm grateful for my sobriety. I've decided on March 12 I'm celebrating 3 years of sobriety. I've worked hard earning that. I will not hide or deny that I drank in September... but I'm not going to discount myself either for the 2 and ahalf years of work I put int BEFORE that night in September. There is osme fear there as how people are going to handle it, but (as I take a deep breathe) That's not something I can worry about. I feel like I earned it, and I'm going to congratulate myself.
Right now in this dark room, with the same song "All I need" playing over and over, I breathe deep and ask myself what I feel. I feel overwhelming Love. Tears want to come to my eyes. But I know there is more that I'm not feeling right now. I feel calm. I feel content? I'm not sure. I'm hoping all this rambling will allow me to sleep. Good night God, thanks for listening. ;)
Dottie
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Accepting the Things I Cannot Change
There are many things in my life I can control... but what people do or say, isn't one of them. I can't make anyone act a certain way and my attempts at imposing this control creates imbalance and chaos in my life. Everything happens for a reason. When something is all over, I can say that it happened exactly the way it was suppose to happen. So, I can take that belief and say everything is happening right now, just as it is suppose to. Patience. I'm learning. Breathe. I've asked the universe to show me how to let go of my tendencies to control, manipulate, people's reactions. I've also asked to be freed from my tendencies to control/predict the outcome. I think of a hundred different scenarios and try to conjure up what I think my best reaction would be for each scenario. It's exhausting. So much energy is spent on all the possibilities instead of the realities. I am doing the best I know how to do right now. I can forgive myself because I was always acting in the best way I knew how. As long as I truly do my best, what more can I ask of myself? I'm okay with mine and her friendship ending. I have no desire right now to have a close relationship with her. Here's a cycle, me going to drastic measures because I won't say "Hey, I'd rather us just not be friends anymore." or "Hey, I really don't want to run 12 steps and beyond anymore" or "I'm gonna just walk out on my job because I really don't want to work here anymore, but don't want to go about the whole drawn out process. I act upon something where I know without a doubt, the other person will give me what I want. < That's a powerful statement. I do not regret anythhing that has happened. It's about being aware of my wants and needs, and being able to express them before I go to drastic measures. I saw 1554 and knew it was very significant... I just looked it up "You're expierencing a significant life change right now, and it's essential that you stay positive. Trust and know that this change is for the best. Angels are with you, call upon them for help, guidance, and feelings of love and security." - Makes me just shake my head, because I know how true that is. I've felt their angelic presence for several days now, stronger than I have probably... ever. There are more than usual, and I've talked to them about aeverything... I've chosen to talk to them as opposed to a friend. Because I want only love to come from me. and when it doesn't, I know they transmute it so only love goes out into the world. Something keeps telling me he is going to text or call soon, and could be as soon as tonight. However, I've continued about my business... if he calls he calls, if not he doesn't. I haven't allowed myself to do anything differntly "just incase" he calls... doing so makes me angry at myself. I don't want to hold grudges against myself anymore. That line made me smile. I also don't want ot entertain the thoughts of predicting what his next move will be, its that whole thinking of every possible scenario I can to prepare as much as possible. Something's in life cannot be prepared for, probably the best things. The piano in this song seems to float into my soul. How do I know my life would be better with him in it? My days of being rejected are over. I'm tired, but I am grateful. I am becoming the women I was always meant to be... complete, whole, and healthy. Thank you God. Amen.
Also, we don't know what people's intentions are unless they tell us. I don't know how someone is feeling, or what they are thinking... things I can't control, but spend sooooo much energy trying to do so. God please remove my obsessive thoughts so my energy can be used in loving service to others.
Namaste
Dottie
Also, we don't know what people's intentions are unless they tell us. I don't know how someone is feeling, or what they are thinking... things I can't control, but spend sooooo much energy trying to do so. God please remove my obsessive thoughts so my energy can be used in loving service to others.
Namaste
Dottie
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Granting as Opposed to Teaching
"I asked God to grant me patience, not teach me patience." - Once I realized thats what I had been doing, I asked God to treach me patience, and thought of the old saying about giving a man a fish he eats for a day, teach him to fish he eats for the rest of his life.... I'd like to have patience the rest of my life...
After leaving lunch with Jack I couldn't wait to hit the gym with Burkey, I was ready to have my ass handed to me. I hadn't been pushing myself as hard as I would have liked to, but today I was ready. About an hour before the workout the anger set it in. I was tired, my back hurt, and I did NOT want to work out with Burkey. I meditated. My pinky fingers kept coming apart during the meditation, along with my thumbs shortly following although not as far. THIS is significant. What do the pinky's represent? Because obviously there was a break in that flow. I was patient with myself. I breathed and gracefully brought them back together. I was awaken out of the meditation by a text from Burkey reminding me of our appointment, and off I went, AFTER I did some research on what the pinky finger represents, which of course made perfect sense.
I was ready to go again. I deep yearning to push myself like I hadn't done it a while was there. Burkey said let's do it... six overhead squats in, yes... only six I yelled, "I FUCKING HATE SQUATS!" The look on Burkey's face was priceless, he said OMG, wow... sounded like a demon coming out there, you are gonna hate today then. Aside from the 50 sit ups I done today, EVERYTHING was squat related.
*Whenever we have a strong emotional reaction to something especially when it's some physical activity, it really has nothing to do with the activity. It's us. There is some deeper issue there, ALWAYS.*
After the 20 overhead squats with the empty bar, it was time for my very least favorite squat with barbell and weights, that sits on the front of my shoulders/collar bone and requires a good amount of shoulder, upper back, and wrist flexibility which I don't have much of. I got angry. And when say angery, I was fucking pissed. I had tears in my eyes and watned nothing more than to throw that barbell at that mirror. It hurt, and I wanted to give up. but I was SO SICK of not pushing myself as hard as I could. I was determined to push through without modification because I knew there was a deeper issue. I had to take a few breaks, and got even more livid with each squat, the last one I pretty much threw the barbell on the rack and was like I'm fucking done. I told my trainer if he said I had to do 60 of ANYTHING I would cry. My body was trembling, my heart was racing, I wanted to cry. I was furious. He said okay 50 sit ups. WTF are you fucking kidding me!?!?! I reminded him how the last time I felt like this I had to go get orange juice because my sugar was dropping... he said "sometimes it's mental and emotional don't you think?" Bingo. I do think that. Alot actually, and honestly I was tired of wasting time. Precious time of my two hours a month I have with my trainer, I was gonna do 50 fucking pushups if it killed me.
That was when I looked at him and said, "You're teaching me patience aren't you?" Looking back, I think that statement was way more directed at God, I just happen to say it aloud while looking at Burkey. So in the midst of my rage, yes... it was in rage at that point. I said okay, and I made a decision I was doing 50 situps. One at a time, one breath at a time. I was gonna zen/yoga those bitches right out... after sit up number 2, I burst out laughing. I laughed pretty hard, just dangling there, upside down... laughing. It wasn't until Burkey pointed out my anger, in an instant, was gone.... holy shit. He was right.
The moment I made a decision, took a breath, and totally and utterly surrendered... every once of anger left as quickly as it had come.
What exactly was it that I was battling today? Not sure. Is that important? No. What is important is that I recognized there was anger, it had nothing to do with those squats or Burkey, but me... and I wanted to push through that more than I wanted to hide from whatever pain was surfacing because I know it only hurts for a moment and then I'm free, free to live my life with one less emotional blockage creating chaos and dirtying up my aura. Something was released today. I wonder what other aspects of my life this block was affecting? I don't know... I just know that it's not there anymore, it was beautiful, and I am grateful.
Namaste,
Dottie
After leaving lunch with Jack I couldn't wait to hit the gym with Burkey, I was ready to have my ass handed to me. I hadn't been pushing myself as hard as I would have liked to, but today I was ready. About an hour before the workout the anger set it in. I was tired, my back hurt, and I did NOT want to work out with Burkey. I meditated. My pinky fingers kept coming apart during the meditation, along with my thumbs shortly following although not as far. THIS is significant. What do the pinky's represent? Because obviously there was a break in that flow. I was patient with myself. I breathed and gracefully brought them back together. I was awaken out of the meditation by a text from Burkey reminding me of our appointment, and off I went, AFTER I did some research on what the pinky finger represents, which of course made perfect sense.
I was ready to go again. I deep yearning to push myself like I hadn't done it a while was there. Burkey said let's do it... six overhead squats in, yes... only six I yelled, "I FUCKING HATE SQUATS!" The look on Burkey's face was priceless, he said OMG, wow... sounded like a demon coming out there, you are gonna hate today then. Aside from the 50 sit ups I done today, EVERYTHING was squat related.
*Whenever we have a strong emotional reaction to something especially when it's some physical activity, it really has nothing to do with the activity. It's us. There is some deeper issue there, ALWAYS.*
After the 20 overhead squats with the empty bar, it was time for my very least favorite squat with barbell and weights, that sits on the front of my shoulders/collar bone and requires a good amount of shoulder, upper back, and wrist flexibility which I don't have much of. I got angry. And when say angery, I was fucking pissed. I had tears in my eyes and watned nothing more than to throw that barbell at that mirror. It hurt, and I wanted to give up. but I was SO SICK of not pushing myself as hard as I could. I was determined to push through without modification because I knew there was a deeper issue. I had to take a few breaks, and got even more livid with each squat, the last one I pretty much threw the barbell on the rack and was like I'm fucking done. I told my trainer if he said I had to do 60 of ANYTHING I would cry. My body was trembling, my heart was racing, I wanted to cry. I was furious. He said okay 50 sit ups. WTF are you fucking kidding me!?!?! I reminded him how the last time I felt like this I had to go get orange juice because my sugar was dropping... he said "sometimes it's mental and emotional don't you think?" Bingo. I do think that. Alot actually, and honestly I was tired of wasting time. Precious time of my two hours a month I have with my trainer, I was gonna do 50 fucking pushups if it killed me.
That was when I looked at him and said, "You're teaching me patience aren't you?" Looking back, I think that statement was way more directed at God, I just happen to say it aloud while looking at Burkey. So in the midst of my rage, yes... it was in rage at that point. I said okay, and I made a decision I was doing 50 situps. One at a time, one breath at a time. I was gonna zen/yoga those bitches right out... after sit up number 2, I burst out laughing. I laughed pretty hard, just dangling there, upside down... laughing. It wasn't until Burkey pointed out my anger, in an instant, was gone.... holy shit. He was right.
The moment I made a decision, took a breath, and totally and utterly surrendered... every once of anger left as quickly as it had come.
What exactly was it that I was battling today? Not sure. Is that important? No. What is important is that I recognized there was anger, it had nothing to do with those squats or Burkey, but me... and I wanted to push through that more than I wanted to hide from whatever pain was surfacing because I know it only hurts for a moment and then I'm free, free to live my life with one less emotional blockage creating chaos and dirtying up my aura. Something was released today. I wonder what other aspects of my life this block was affecting? I don't know... I just know that it's not there anymore, it was beautiful, and I am grateful.
Namaste,
Dottie
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
And just like that...it's gone.
The calm after the storm is here. Somehow, I've mamaged to "let go" whatever that means, lol that statement makes me laugh. I'm reminding myself I am patient. Few things today were me acting out of impatience. But it's about progress not perfection right? The energy is different. I like it. Balance. Whether it's him or not, love is coming. That I'm sure of. I'm just unaware of when, but whenever it gets here is just when it's suppose to ;).... now lets just remember that. I am so grateful for what I have learned about myself. The fight is over. All that is around me right now is peace, utter peace.
Love & Light
Dottie
Love & Light
Dottie
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Love Is My Weakness
"FOR GOD SAKES CATHY, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON"T DO THE SAME FUCKING THING YOU'VE BEEN DOING!!!" ... "If her actions bother me THAT much, what is this relfecting back at me?"
Love and the potential for it is my weakness. Always has been. I wanted it so badly, I would throw everything else in my life out of balance. It's then I'm sent into a tail spin of anger, lonliness, and tears. I never realized how badly I do want a good man in my life. One who is just as much in love with me as I am with him. I almost began giving a list of things, but they felt generic and not neccissarly what I want but what I think I would want. I just want him to love me as much if not more than I love him. I've spent three days analyzing, exploring, praying, searching, and crying. There was tons of crying, hysterical crying. I needed that. Here's what I learned...
1) I am insecure in regards to relationships. In most other areas of my life it doesn't exist and when it does it exists in trace amounts and doesn't seem to adversly effect my life, but not relationships. It runs them. I become overwhelmed by my own insecurities which make me act out irrationally and emotionally, then I get pissed because I'm really not a crazy lady, although it seems that way. That blew my mind. I had no idea. I thought I could take em or leave it, I was wrong. I wanted it. It was either all or nothing. I found myself reaching back to men I used to date or sleep with. Thinking maybe THEY had the answer, maybe THEY could tell me where I go wrong. I swear, they must all think I've got more issues than Time magazine. But I reached to them because I was seeking relief from my insecurities. I didn't want ot scare away the new guy with my irrational fears and overly emotional antics, so let's just contact the last guy who already knows I'm a wreck, because I couldn't care less what HE thinks of me at this point, he's already seen the worst of me, so I can let it all go. I don't care if he hangs around or not anymore. But within my being able to let go completely and be open and honest with the last him. I would find that I feet closer to them and I start missing them, and start asking myself Do I still love him? Do I want to be with him? What am I doing with this new guy? The phone calls, texts, and contact becomes more frequent, and then fear sets in... What the fuck am I doing? REALLY, what the fuck am I doing? Well, I was desperately trying to ease my insecurites I was, up until now, too afraid to face.
3) I have been incredibly selfish. It has been always about me. I come and go as I please, often forgetting that men have feelings too. I come without regard to what THEIR relationship status is at this point, and if my actions might adverserly effect that. If I can't have what I want, I don't want anything, because I refuse to take whatever they were willing to give me, again. I've been there, and by God's grace I won't go there again. It has always been about me and my issues, my fears. I need this or I need that. Finally, the tables where turned and he needed this or that... and I was finding that real hard to give to him. Now, I think I'm able to do so. I look back and admire A's patience with me, using that as an example. Thank you A, for loving me enough to allow the much needed healing to take place. May I find it within me to always Love enough to allow the needed healing to take place, without the malicious desires of the ego interefering.
4) I also discovered...once I decided that I wass willing to give the guy a chance, I'm wide open... and thus is were my boundary issues lied and if THEY have boundaries... I'm just shocked and have no idea what to do with them. I get the jist of what they are for and do my best to respect them, but I would struggle.... and they wouldn't know it. Once I had made the decision that I would date them, it was a free for all until if and when I decided I was done... or you decided. There are steps, apparently... steps in which I had always totally disregarded. I was just like here I am.... all of me! Do you want me?! If you do, just incase here I am! I'll await your every phone call, text message, and eagerly await the next time I'll see you. I'll switch my entire schedul around to make time for you. Really?! *shakes head :) Well, NO ONE is ready to handle all of someone in the first few weeks of knowing them especially this girl ;)... and that's with ANY relationship, even friendships! lol I have to laugh at myself. The jist... I was guilty of making myself too available.
5) My deep desire for a fulfilling relationship throws my entire life out of balance the moment a potential relationship rears it's head. I strive to maintain balance on a daily basis. Without balance, I will loose my fucking mind. Balance is ESSENTIAL to my well-being. It's almost like a war within myself, part of me wants love and the other balance. And up until now, I didn't know how to have both. When I feel myself going out of balance I begin to feverishly try and balance thus igniting my control issues, causing me to be manipulative. Manipulative in the sense of doing/saying things to bring about my desired result. I do things I think they would like or make them want to be with me more... and I JUST learned about a month ago... THAT breeds resentment within me. When I do things because I feel like I "have to" or "should" and they don't react how I wanted them to, I become extremely angry and frustrated, but THEY can't know that because it's absolutely irrational. I'm mad at them because they didn't do what I wanted them to when they had no idea I wanted them to in the first place?! WOW! C'mon!!! lol. This is one vicious cycle. Because once I realize I've done this I become rittled with guilt and anger because I've spent the last 3 years of my life striving to overcome these tendencies, and here they are again!? UGH! The old habits of self destruction begin knocking on my door at this point because I'm so scattered and so vunerable. Metaphorically speaking, I've taken all that I am and laid it out on the table for evaluation. What serves my highest purpose? I take what works for me and I leave the rest. If it doesn't serve my highest good, it's got to go. It is in that moment the only thing that stands between me and some form of self destructing behavior is God himself, I have no defenses. I'm grateful to say by God's grace, I slep while He cleaned the table.
6) Lastly, I learned to identify impatience, and realized in most other areas of my life, like 98% I'm able to sit back, relax, and know that everything will work out the best possible way, that God and the Angels have everything taken care of. Except when it comes to me being in a relationship. I found it difficult to wait and let them work their magic, I always try to work my own, which is never magic at all really... just fear based impatience. I pull cards, check my intuitive friends intuition, check numerology, check whatever the hell else I can get my hands on so I can have some idea what to expect, because NOT KNOWING apparently terrifies me. Then I always end up where I started... powerless, clueless, and single lol
Thank God the only two things needed to change are awareness and willingness. I've had the willingness for sometime, just not the awareness... and here it is.
God, I offer myself to thee. To build with me and do with me as thy wilt. Please remove me from the bondage of self, so that I may better do they will. Please take away my difficulties, may victory over them bear witness to those I may help of they love, they power, and they way of life. May I do thy will always. Amen.
Dear Angels, let me not sign off without acknowledging your constant stream of Love, support, and guidance. I have felt you very close over the last few days. I am grateful for that closeness and all you do for me and those I love. Please help keep my life balanced and full of Love, may I always be aware of my thoughts, actions, and words and how they are affecting my life and others.
Love & Light
Dottie
Love and the potential for it is my weakness. Always has been. I wanted it so badly, I would throw everything else in my life out of balance. It's then I'm sent into a tail spin of anger, lonliness, and tears. I never realized how badly I do want a good man in my life. One who is just as much in love with me as I am with him. I almost began giving a list of things, but they felt generic and not neccissarly what I want but what I think I would want. I just want him to love me as much if not more than I love him. I've spent three days analyzing, exploring, praying, searching, and crying. There was tons of crying, hysterical crying. I needed that. Here's what I learned...
1) I am insecure in regards to relationships. In most other areas of my life it doesn't exist and when it does it exists in trace amounts and doesn't seem to adversly effect my life, but not relationships. It runs them. I become overwhelmed by my own insecurities which make me act out irrationally and emotionally, then I get pissed because I'm really not a crazy lady, although it seems that way. That blew my mind. I had no idea. I thought I could take em or leave it, I was wrong. I wanted it. It was either all or nothing. I found myself reaching back to men I used to date or sleep with. Thinking maybe THEY had the answer, maybe THEY could tell me where I go wrong. I swear, they must all think I've got more issues than Time magazine. But I reached to them because I was seeking relief from my insecurities. I didn't want ot scare away the new guy with my irrational fears and overly emotional antics, so let's just contact the last guy who already knows I'm a wreck, because I couldn't care less what HE thinks of me at this point, he's already seen the worst of me, so I can let it all go. I don't care if he hangs around or not anymore. But within my being able to let go completely and be open and honest with the last him. I would find that I feet closer to them and I start missing them, and start asking myself Do I still love him? Do I want to be with him? What am I doing with this new guy? The phone calls, texts, and contact becomes more frequent, and then fear sets in... What the fuck am I doing? REALLY, what the fuck am I doing? Well, I was desperately trying to ease my insecurites I was, up until now, too afraid to face.
3) I have been incredibly selfish. It has been always about me. I come and go as I please, often forgetting that men have feelings too. I come without regard to what THEIR relationship status is at this point, and if my actions might adverserly effect that. If I can't have what I want, I don't want anything, because I refuse to take whatever they were willing to give me, again. I've been there, and by God's grace I won't go there again. It has always been about me and my issues, my fears. I need this or I need that. Finally, the tables where turned and he needed this or that... and I was finding that real hard to give to him. Now, I think I'm able to do so. I look back and admire A's patience with me, using that as an example. Thank you A, for loving me enough to allow the much needed healing to take place. May I find it within me to always Love enough to allow the needed healing to take place, without the malicious desires of the ego interefering.
4) I also discovered...once I decided that I wass willing to give the guy a chance, I'm wide open... and thus is were my boundary issues lied and if THEY have boundaries... I'm just shocked and have no idea what to do with them. I get the jist of what they are for and do my best to respect them, but I would struggle.... and they wouldn't know it. Once I had made the decision that I would date them, it was a free for all until if and when I decided I was done... or you decided. There are steps, apparently... steps in which I had always totally disregarded. I was just like here I am.... all of me! Do you want me?! If you do, just incase here I am! I'll await your every phone call, text message, and eagerly await the next time I'll see you. I'll switch my entire schedul around to make time for you. Really?! *shakes head :) Well, NO ONE is ready to handle all of someone in the first few weeks of knowing them especially this girl ;)... and that's with ANY relationship, even friendships! lol I have to laugh at myself. The jist... I was guilty of making myself too available.
5) My deep desire for a fulfilling relationship throws my entire life out of balance the moment a potential relationship rears it's head. I strive to maintain balance on a daily basis. Without balance, I will loose my fucking mind. Balance is ESSENTIAL to my well-being. It's almost like a war within myself, part of me wants love and the other balance. And up until now, I didn't know how to have both. When I feel myself going out of balance I begin to feverishly try and balance thus igniting my control issues, causing me to be manipulative. Manipulative in the sense of doing/saying things to bring about my desired result. I do things I think they would like or make them want to be with me more... and I JUST learned about a month ago... THAT breeds resentment within me. When I do things because I feel like I "have to" or "should" and they don't react how I wanted them to, I become extremely angry and frustrated, but THEY can't know that because it's absolutely irrational. I'm mad at them because they didn't do what I wanted them to when they had no idea I wanted them to in the first place?! WOW! C'mon!!! lol. This is one vicious cycle. Because once I realize I've done this I become rittled with guilt and anger because I've spent the last 3 years of my life striving to overcome these tendencies, and here they are again!? UGH! The old habits of self destruction begin knocking on my door at this point because I'm so scattered and so vunerable. Metaphorically speaking, I've taken all that I am and laid it out on the table for evaluation. What serves my highest purpose? I take what works for me and I leave the rest. If it doesn't serve my highest good, it's got to go. It is in that moment the only thing that stands between me and some form of self destructing behavior is God himself, I have no defenses. I'm grateful to say by God's grace, I slep while He cleaned the table.
6) Lastly, I learned to identify impatience, and realized in most other areas of my life, like 98% I'm able to sit back, relax, and know that everything will work out the best possible way, that God and the Angels have everything taken care of. Except when it comes to me being in a relationship. I found it difficult to wait and let them work their magic, I always try to work my own, which is never magic at all really... just fear based impatience. I pull cards, check my intuitive friends intuition, check numerology, check whatever the hell else I can get my hands on so I can have some idea what to expect, because NOT KNOWING apparently terrifies me. Then I always end up where I started... powerless, clueless, and single lol
Thank God the only two things needed to change are awareness and willingness. I've had the willingness for sometime, just not the awareness... and here it is.
God, I offer myself to thee. To build with me and do with me as thy wilt. Please remove me from the bondage of self, so that I may better do they will. Please take away my difficulties, may victory over them bear witness to those I may help of they love, they power, and they way of life. May I do thy will always. Amen.
Dear Angels, let me not sign off without acknowledging your constant stream of Love, support, and guidance. I have felt you very close over the last few days. I am grateful for that closeness and all you do for me and those I love. Please help keep my life balanced and full of Love, may I always be aware of my thoughts, actions, and words and how they are affecting my life and others.
Love & Light
Dottie
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