Shifting

     I've spent the last several weeks watching & riding a wave of energy which is bringing enormous amounts of change for many, I'd actually be confident enough to say... all.  How it effects each of us is the variable.  

      The biggest complaints brought my attention are stomach issues, primarily diarrhea, along with anxiety issues, & sleepiness. Exploring those very issues with people I've noticed the ones with diarrhea exhibit a last minute willingness on various levels, to let go. To let go of that which no longer serves them. A feeling of FINALLY learning embodying things such as patience, the ability to surrender to the process, see asepcts of themselves the universe has been gracefully trying to show them for years, etc.  Something cannot change on one level and not somehow effect all the others... hence the physical detox following the mental/emotional/spiritual. The people I've noticed most prone to feeling more sleepy & eating slightly heavier meals are those more sensitive/intuitive people. As if we feel this shift coming and we are preparing ourselves to be available for the influx of those seeking answers & reassurance. We are eating more heavy foods, and sleeping more somewhat like an athlete does before a big race. Those who have seemed to be doing "the work" so to speak of inner voyaging over the last few years & slowly going through this process of discovering who they really are seem to be having way less physical symptoms. As if their bodies have built some kind of tolerance or strategy to deal with these shifts, and change is a little more comfortable for them, on all levels. They seem to have a vague sense that something is changing, but it feels very normal to them, after all, they've been doing it for some time. The anxiety issues/panic attacks are arising for people who aren't so willing to let go. Who are still fighting and clinging to what they've always known out of fear, and a desire to NOT feel what is surfacing. LET IT SURFACE. It's okay. I promise it won't kill you to look at yourself, but running from it will. 

       Because the energy has shifted. As a planet, our vibration is raising through individual people's willingness to raise their own vibration, to "be the change they wish to see in the world." Well, that's exactly what's happening. And one of us cannot change without someone else changing, and many of us cannot change without a noticeable change in the world collectively. This higher energy vibration is being felt by all of us... it's shaking shit to the surface of our conscious minds that can be a little frightening. Aspects of our selves long hidden or denied. Opportunites within our personal relationships (especially our primary ones such as significant others & parent/child) to heal long held emotional traumas are becoming more and more frequent. For God sakes, TAKE THESE OPPORTUNITIES. I promise you, they are only going to become more frequent, and more intense. The Universe WILL get your attention. The last few years some of the greatest spiritual teachers of our time have focused on going inward, getting to know our shadow self, dealing with deep rooted emotional issues. Why? Because maybe on some level... they new this was coming. This energy coming in now as we speak which will usher us into a new era of human connected-ness. This is what 2012 is about. The end of our world as we all have known it, not that an asteroid is coming to take us all out. Old ways of thinking doing are simply falling away, but yes there will be chaos. The amount of chaos will be directly related to the amount of energy WE spend fighting it. Fighting what is. 

      This change is inevitable, and it's okay. It's beautiful really. So, breath deep, doing so is so underrated. Seek out relationship with people who empower you, support you, and truly love you. Give to others what you are wanting more of in your life, whether it's friendship, love, a listening ear, compassion, understanding. By doing so you are creating more of that in your life. GET OUT SIDE. Nothing is more supportive or more grounding that the earth energy itself. SLEEP. Listen to your body, if you need to take a nap, by all means take a nap! It's okay. Things are changing. We need to listen, more so than we ever have. We need to honor ourselves and take a moment of reverence to step back and ask the Universe, "what is really going on here?" 

With Grace & Gratitude...

Pay Attention. Know Thyself

Pay attention. Know thyself.

How easy it is to read over those words and somewhere inside of yourself know the magnitude of which doing those things can change your life, but choosing not to do them. I'm certain it's rarely a conscious decision. Who DOESN'T say they want a good life? Happiness? Joy? Freedom? We all do. Some of us, just work harder for it than others. Some of us just aren't willing right now to put forth the effort required. Some are too afraid to face that which hides beneath the facades of who we think we are. Some of us don't work at all. I work at it. Many people work at it. Diligently, methodically. I encourage others to do the same. To know thyself. To know your personality. To know how to use every single aspect of who you are to achieve your goals, your dreams.

Allegory. I thought of that word as I was working through some yoga poses to loosen up my spine this morning for my Sunday training session with Burkey. I asked him in a half-sleep haze to do my least favorite workout in the world. The one that makes me want to lay on my stomach like a small child and pound my fists on the ground. The one that quickly induces a "I don't give a fuck anymore" attitude. The workout that makes quitting seem totally acceptable. I asked for that this morning. Therefore I was okay with it (on some level). Whining becomes totally unacceptable, a gentle reminder that "I asked for this." The question, the REAL question... the "know thyself" question came when I thought... what if I didn't want to do that workout this morning, and that was what was planned. How would I have reacted? How long would it have taken to compose myself? Would I have worked as hard? Pay attention. I'll pay attention today. Because one day, beyond my control, beyond my planning... The universe, God, & Burkey will conspire against me on my least willing & expecting day and I will have to do an "easy" ab workout. It is then, I will  really learn something about myself. I'll pay attention today, and wait for that. Then sit with it, and let it change me, for the better.  Welcome to the station. This is what we do, if you're willing to do the work.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Acceptance

"Take what the universe gives you."

     I don't think she had a clue how much of an impact that would have on me when she wrote it on my wall. I've been sitting with it for weeks. Acceptance. I had forgotten how powerful a prayer that was, and how much freedom came along with it. I keep asking myself, what is the universe giving to me right now? And how can it serve the highest good? I have been fighting for months the ending of my last relationship. A few weeks ago I finally broke down and pretty much begged her to start over. Told her of the void I felt without her, and how I believed more in the power of our Love to create miracles more so than the power of our ego's to tear us apart. She said that's not what she wanted at all. What choice did I have but to accept that? To grieve? To love her anyway and let go of that which was causing my pain? What was the universe giving me? An out. An absolution. Room for someone else.

I've spent the majority of my life becoming more conscious of who I am and what is. I've also spent a good chunk of that time choosing the lessons I did or didn't want to learn, embarking on various paths because I wanted to learn this, or learn that... because it was fairly obvious those were things I could learn from the particular avenue I was taking. Most often, I did learn those lessons, and more. "Take what the universe gives you" made me think that maybe the universe does have this shit all under control. I don't need to consciously choose the next lesson to learn. Somewhere along the last several months a sense of patience and trust has grown in me, I wasn't sure would ever find it's place in my life. These two things I think are what have allowed me to relax into what the universe is giving me, right now at this point in my life. A logical understanding that if it wasn't what I needed right now I wouldn't be experiencing it becomes a deep understanding. It helps me to welcome change a little easier, to say goodbye with a little more grace, and welcome the new with arms wider spread.  It helps me to struggle a less trying to figure out what it is I REALLY want, and allow me to simply ask the universe to bring it to me. A surrender of sorts. A confession, that I often have no fucking clue what I really want... but God does, the Universe does, whatever you'd like to call "It" does.... and I ask that, to go inside my heart and bring those desires to me, and give me the courage and willingness to accept them once they get here.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Vengence

"Take what the universe gives you <3"

I am being rebellious. I can feel it. Like a child's last attempt at fighting the inevitable. I sit here now I've meditated reluctantly the last couple days. Compromising with the universe.... such as... I'm only gonna sit here and take 5 deep breaths then I'm done. I've not wanted to meditate for the last couple weeks. However, my intention has been to listen. Astrologically, today is an optimal day specifically midnight) I think, to finally release the things which we've been struggling to let go of. To write down your wishes. I "stumbled" across that a few days ago... it's been plaguing my mind ever since. I know it my gut, it's something I need to do. So what is it? My vengeful tendencies including but not limited too saying/doing things with the intentions of it causing jealousy/anger to "fuck with someone." Wanting to post fb status or say things to elude to the fact that I'm seeing someone else now. Seems I want to do that on a daily basis. But here's the thing. What I give, I keep. What I wish for someone else, I wish for myself. :-/ And I wonder why jealousy is such an issue for me? And here's the other thing. Under the anger and the hurt, there is Love. I love her. Deep down, we don't want to hurt those we love, that's why the high of vengeance is so fleeting. Then we seem to be plagued by some vague sense of feeling "bad." That's not the person I choose to be. Love is what will heal the world. The work put forth in fostering more trust & patience in my life are evident, but still a working progress. Thank God for that.

So, where is my focus? Remaining centered, calm, collected. Grateful & peaceful. Letting the universe do it's thing and remaining open to guided action. It's about practice. By taking what the universe gives me, I am allowing It to teach me the things I most need to learn & experience.

Right now... It's giving me.....a very long silence as the song begins to sing "But I want want want to be in love for real"...  *sighs, it's giving me something that doesn't need to be analyzed right here, right now.

With Grace & Gratitude...

And I said I Wasn't Going to Listen...

"What makes it so FUCKING hard to be in a relationship with me?" 


I was watching the L word. After watching yet another relationship slip through her fingers Bette asked Tina this question. I knew so strongly that I needed to hear this answer because I had heard myself ask that very same questions several times... I literally sat up, scooted to the edge of the couch and took a breathe... this was Tina's response:

"You're a control freak. You think your things are more important than everyone else's which makes things really, really hard in a relationship. Your work. Your needs. Your ideas. Are always right, always on a higher plane. You're more enlightened. You're more informed. You're more intuitive."


My fucking jaw dropped. Yup, that definitely sounds like that could fit me. This hit me hard... not to mention I had also just admitted to myself before sitting down to watch that I was refusing to listen to what the universe was gracefully trying to tell me. "You are seeking to find what you want to hear, you're not listening" ... what I heard on my walk about an hour before. I got back. I wanted to eat, but I also knew deep down, my want to eat was an urge to quiet what I didn't want to hear. So I admitted to myself, to God, & to whatever other beings of Light might have been listening that I was WELL AWARE I wasn't listening & really didn't have the desire to do so. However, as I was saying this I found myself sitting on a pillow in my floor. Funny how that happens. Somewhere inside of me, apparently, there was enough willingness (although I didn't see it) to have me sitting in that floor meditation style. I took maybe five deep breaths, but that was all the universe was getting out of me. I got up, got my food, and sat my happy ass in front of the L word. And since I wasn't going to be quiet enough to listen, the universe decided to answer a little more loudly and make it a little more unmistakeable. Hence, the question above.


I decided a couple months ago I was absolutely willing to truly know why relationships seem to be so difficult for me. I always want more. Never want what I have. Nothing is never enough. I equate healthy with boring & hard with worth it, always. I loose myself, collapse within the rush, the feelings, the chemistry. The sheer delight of embarking upon something new. It's exciting. I panic when I realize I'm in too deep & retreat. The need to be in control is so ingrained I'm not even conscious I'm doing it half the time. The other half the time I'm desperately trying to fight it because I don't want to be that person, I don't want to be a control freak. I fight to resist my urge to be in control, because I view it as an unacceptable aspect of my personality. And if you know anything about the shadow effect... THOSE parts of us are what runs & ruins our lives and sabotages our relationships. Not to mention, what you resist, persists. Attempting to focus my thoughts on being at ease with life, putting my energies there. My heart is pounding right now.

I was asked the other day why I hadn't  been in a relationship for longer than a year. She said, "I only ask for the flaws because its like... ok smart, beautiful, wonderful mind, seems like a good happy personality,  likes a lot of the common interests... so whats the catch lol.... mine has always been my work ethic and motivation to my job and learning." I don't remember what my response was... but it sure the hell wasn't this. God bless us, maybe it should have been, lol.


So, what now? Thank the universe for coming across so clearly. Ask for the steps to take so this can be an accepted and positive part of my personality, and the willingness to take those steps as they are shown to me. Either it will be integrated in a more positive fashion, or leave entirely... baby steps...

With Grace, Gratitude, & some humor...

ANGER

Four years of a serious commitment & willingness to do whatever it takes to be whole again. I've found that anger, more anger than I can even fathom still resides underneath it all. Even after the sobriety, the fourth steps, the weight loss, the quitting smoking, there is still anger.  An anger that makes me scream at the top of my lungs at my cat to shut up. An anger that makes me lock myself in room from fear, fear of what I will say or do because of it. An anger of which I am so ashamed of I've looked at my most trusted, intuitive mentors & guides and told them they are wrong, there is no anger.

What emotions do I deem unacceptable?
A question which I wrote on a tattered piece of envelope sitting on my kitchen table. Anger, was the first, second was self pity. I've yet to seriously sit down with that question long enough to ask myself this question and and wait for the long answer. I could go on for paragraphs about how I came to this moment, the questions I asked, the signs that brought me here, but I may just use that as an excuse so when I get down to it, I can stop just before the miracle happens and say I've had enough. So, where's the anger coming from?

This is what I thought of as I laid in bed, SOMETIMES... I am angry at life and SOMETIMES I just need to sit on my pity-pot and vent for a minute... My life has been really fucking hard. I didn't ask for this shit. I'm angry because deep down, that child inside of me feels like it wasn't fair. I didn't ask for my father to be so broken that even in his best attempts he shattered me too. I didn't ask to have  a sexual history that started at 5 years old, that even at 26 just might still be part of the reason I've yet to hold a healthy, committed relationship. Watching the fall of my parents relationship fucked me up. My part played in the divorce and me blaming myself for taking my brother & myself away from my father caused so much guilt & shame I was forced to create coping mechanisms. And guess what? Those coping mechanisms landed me in a rehab center 8 years later. I had found that the smoking, the booze, the food, the cutting, the sex, the weight... NONE of it worked anymore. So, this self I'm suppose to trust & love apparently lied, I wasn't okay. I wasn't happy, and I didn't love life. Otherwise, I wouldn't had been occupying a bed at Brighton Hospital.  Again, hitting the high points, only to peel back the onion to go a little deeper...

THIS is what life has given me, THIS is what life has done to me, and you want me to trust life?! You want me to be okay when life takes something from me? You have ANY FUCKING IDEA how much fear creates? WHAT AM I GONNA DO? And I ask that question in respect to what am I gonna do to myself? To the people most closely involved? Am I going to regress? Am I going to hurt myself? Am I going to hurt others? What if my manipulation tendencies kick in and I don't see them? What if I do more damage. I just want to be whole. I just want to be okay. Is that too much to ask? I have diligently and methodically peeled away at layers upon layers upon layers of shit that LIFE has wrapped me up in. And NOW, I'm being told to trust life? If it is taken away, let it go?! FUCK YOU.

I'm angry at life, I'm scared of myself... and sometimes I feel the parts that did come easy, are often written off by others... "Well your really smart", "You have your Uncle", "You're nurse." "You're just a determined person."

It's exhausting. Does it end? Does the pain stop? Does the anger go away? Or is it like a temporary thing? Will I always find some dirt on myself, face it, let it go... only to find something else, to do it all over again? Or is it like one of those bottomless food bowls where the soup automatically keeps filling up? I can't remember the last time I felt this lost & alone, this depressed, this angry. I can't remember the last time I wanted to drink as bad as I did last night and this morning. I can't remember the last time that everything I felt my internal world come crumbling down around me, questioning everything I ever believed. I'm so fucking tired. For the most part I really believe the bullshit I've been through can be used to help someone else, but tonight I'm tired. Tired of fighting Life, but there's so much anger. I can't help but want to punch life in the face sometimes...

Seeing The Humor

Collect yourself, see the humor, and keep your faith strong. Be patient. Be kind. Wait on the will of Heaven. Avoid addictive behaviors. 

The same messages I've been getting in various ways very strongly over the last few days. And guess what I've done? Been a neurotic mess, cried, questioned God. Pissed on patience, been a selfish asshole. Refused to wait on shit, and eaten 3/4 a box of chocolate chip cookies and watched the L word. So here I am at 3:31am. For the first time in days, I feel a sense of peace, and I finally see the humor. 

"I was born to laugh, I learned to laugh through my tears."

The song I've had on repeat since yesterday. When I do choose to watch TV I find it's often exactly what I needed to see, to show me something. The last episode of the L word was like me watching myself. Crying. Begging the women she was in love with to start over. Giving a list of reasons including, but not limited too "The sex was earth shattering, the connection was instantaneous." I watched this woman voice a willingness to give up her husband, because she had experienced her first relationship with a women, and was so in love she couldn't contain it. I literally laughed out-loud when another character told the other woman,  "You have to break up with her." "I did" she responded. "Well you have to re-break up with her, some lesbians you have to break up with twice." .... it was then, I began to see the humor. Then, they all shared there "coming out affairs" and how in love they all were, how they were planning their lives, and thought it would never end. How it took them ridiculous amounts of time to pull themselves together because they thought they had really found it, the love of their life.... I stopped eating the cookies. I didn't feel so alone. I smiled.

She will always be my coming out story. My coming out affair. She was my first of many things. I chose her & she took my hand. As if she knew I had been wondering my entire life what it would be like, and she said let me show you. But I've been here before, this sense of peace that everything is just as it should be. Nothing but gratitude for what has been, what is, & what will be. I pray this nestles so deeply in my soul, that I can embody it. It's not so much the letting go that's hard, it's the not picking it back up again. My intense want to start over, to try it again, is preventing us from being really great friends. All of a sudden I don't want to write anymore. It's over. She truly believes it has served it's purpose. I on the other hand, am having a real hard time believing that. I've been fighting it. It's within this fight that my happiness has been disturbed. I thought alot about acceptance today. "Life on life's terms" It's been a while since I've thought about that saying. If life takes it away from you, let it go. Trust life. That can be really hard for me at times. Right now, I'm grateful. I'm humored. Maybe now I can sleep...

With Grace & Gratitude