Confessions of an Aspiring Power-lifter

I say confession because my love of power-lifting isn't something I really express to people outside of those who I train with in the gym. Burkey knows. Tracy is finding out. My girlfriend & a few others may have a pretty good idea. It's not something I feel comfortable showing to many people, people who don't get it. People who have never had there hands wrapped around that bar and pushed themselves to the limits few will. I fucking love it. I love everything about it. I lay in bed at night and wonder what my PR's are now. how the training I've been doing with Tracy (who is a pro power-lifter) is preparing me for the next phase of my journey, and replay the days workout in my head... what could I have done differently? Could I have pushed myself more? Did I work smart? Am I satisfied with where I'm at?  What was my diet like today?  I touch the calluses on my hands in admiration, a sense of pride. I admire hard work. I admire people who don't give up even when it hurts, when they want to, when everyone around them is telling them it's okay to give up. I love training. I've been training for almost 4 years now, for nothing more than the ability to do a pull up, loose some weight, be able to pull myself over the walls at the warrior dash. I've trained really hard for seemingly small things, lol. When I'm entirely honest with myself, let's face it... I just like to train. Any excuse will do for me, I like to life heavy things, I like to be strong. I love to push myself to the limits. It strengthens me on all levels. It grounds me and teaches me about life, about how I react to life. It. Makes. Me. Happy.

Power-lifting just seems like the next logical step...

Are You Fucking Kidding Me!?

I read an article about a week ago in Shape Magazine that has since rolled around in my head picking at my muse... "How one woman overcomes tragedy and creates the life she's always wanted." 

I thought, INSPIRATION! I love stories of inspiration, who doesn't?! There's something beautiful & gracious about overcoming adversities, about determination & sacrifice. I was quickly disappointed to discover the article, wasn't in fact about any of that. It was about "combo-pilling" which means taking two different kinds of "fat-burners" or diet pills. Specifically Zantrex-3 and Relacore, and was suggest by her personal trainer! I shook my head. What is this telling people? My immediate thoughts consisted of what a shitty trainer, her heart is going to explode, she didn't overcome ANYTHING nor did she create anything, it was created for her. No deep rooted issues were addressed, there was no sacrifice, She will be right back where she started in only in worse health and more frustrated. I saw a giving up. I saw weakness. I saw another fat American claim that life was too hard, and it promoted by a source that I look to, (among others) for ideas to stay healthy and fit safely. To say I was disappointed, doesn't even cover it. So there, there's my rant.

My Two Cents on Gay Marriage

I feel compelled to touch on the issue of gay marriage.  It's difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that this is still an issue. I forget sometimes that it is still illegal in most states for people in love of the same sex to marry. It blows my mind. The falling leg that so many are still trying to stand on is literally crumbling, and it's palpable. You can feel it. You can hear it in the shaky-ness of the voices on CNN "uh, well... um..." What?! Really?! The arguable reasons attempting to slow down this process have no sustenance. I mean c'mon! Gay people have been getting married for a few years now! IT'S HAPPENING. Right now. At this very moment, I'm sure somewhere a gay couple are taking vows of marriage. So what is the hold up? What are they fighting against? It's a body in motion, and physics states a body in motion, stays in motion. It's funny to me. All these legalities. And the thing is... it's not even about gay marriage. It's about change. It is a blatant representation of people's unwillingness to change. And I don't mean the generic "change" of a word that has been thrown around carelessly at times in our nation's history in the name of political or presidential votes, I'm talking about gut, energetic, shifts of energy inside the hearts and minds of people. Not just American's, of people. We use titles and descriptions and classes and continue to separate ourselves from each other. We have gays and straights, and blacks and whites, and men and woman, and American's and Europeans.... and countless subcultures. The sooner we realize, actually the sooner it is accepted that we all are connected in an intricate and dependent fashion, the sooner the world and all the people in in can truly begin to heal.

I get it. I can be stubborn too. And it I have been known to fight until I wear my little self out. Until I'm exhausted and done, and acceptance is all that is left. And that is what some are doing right now, they are wearing their little selves out. The old ways aren't working anymore. It's so simple, some are attempting to do the same things over and over again, call it different things and are expecting different results. It doesn't work like that. lol Love in all forms WILL prevail. "Love is patient, love is kind." Love is slowly and patiently coming to forefront, and won't hurt anyone on it's way there. Except maybe some ego's as it's illusion of control fade like smoke in a room.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Inspired

"To the extent that the person you were will effect who you are; it already has."

If that doesn't make sense, which it may not... let me break it down for you. I told that to a very dear who had been sober for somewhere around 6 years, I think I little longer. Someone who also felt the draw to remove themselves from the traditional 12 step programs and live her life, taking what she learned and left. I can relate to that. The thing about her though, is she done the work. She did. Some people can be in that program for 15 years, and still never do the work, the real work. The work that is required to make a radical change in who you are and the life that you are living. They will find themselves continuously re-living in the past in the name of "never forgetting your last drunk or your doomed to re-peat it" mindset. Don't get me wrong, the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous had a dramatic positive impact on my life, but when it was done, it was done. It had served its purpose, and like my friend... I walked away. I went against the grain. We both went against the grain. And when our worlds didn't collapse, when we weren't found in a drunken stupor begging for help and forgiveness having exploded and taken out everyone around us... it challenged everything so many had been taught about "the program." And it scares them. To the extent that the person you were will effect who you are; it already has simply means, yes, the person she was has shaped her into the person she is now, but in a good way. She has done the work to re-balance that, to counter-act that if you will. That person, who she was, has already created the change within her it was suppose to, and she can let it go now. She can root completely in the person she is now, and move forward. And as always, with gratitude.

THESE are one of the kinds of people who truly inspire me. People who change. Who come like a Phoenix from the flames. Those who trust enough to step out on faith. To take chances. To risk everything they ever believed to be true about their life, for the possibility, that they can live the life they've always dreamt of living. Those who do things even though they are afraid, who burst in the darkest parts of who they are with a willingness and readiness to not leave until all is Light. People who beat the odds, and not because they set out to do so, but because they remained true to themselves. I admire these people and so grateful to  be able to call many of them friends.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Home Again, Home Again Jigitty Jig

"You need to find your own purpose, I cannot build desire."

I've found my gym. I knew it the moment I saw that quote. I walked around it today slowly, purposefully. It was that same "home" feeling I got when I found my yoga studio here in the Lansing area. Like I could breathe again.  I felt humbled, and grateful and tearful. There's something about privately owned and run gyms that inspire me. When flat screen TV's don't cover the walls, pretty things aren't the focus. The basics are there, in working condition. Nothing to distract you from the work it takes to reach your goals. A dusty radio in the corner with an ipod/phone hook-up that looks like it might work, a drop box for payments if you want to buy something, and cardio equipment that has definitely already seen it's best days. There's something demanding of rows of free weights, racks of barbells, and a room specifically designed and dedicated to maxing out, to creating your personal record (at-least that's the way it appeared). I stood the longest in that room. You could feel the pride, the dedication, the excitement. I felt relief. I was inspired to be on that board. Motivated to prove myself to someone who didn't know me through my actions instead of talking a lot of shit about the things "I used to do" before I moved to Lansing. I've lost a little bit of my cockiness as it pertains to the gym and training; 25lbs will do that too you. I miss lifting really heavy things. I didn't do much today. I got my ass on three treadmills before I found one I didn't think was going to throw me off because I just wanted to take it all in. I wanted to bathe myself in this place, a place which was already mimicking some of the things I value most in training. Grateful doesn't begin to describe what I felt in that moment. I saw a no bullshit attitude. I saw hard work and I saw trust. I saw me at 180lbs.

PS- Maybe the universe was trying to tell me something as it was continuously denying my access to the old gym... smh

With Grace & Gratitude

Mad Enough To Act

"If I get denied access to the gym one more fucking time today I'm gonna scream!!!"

My text to B Murphy in my midnight rage. One of the few people who A) would be up this late, B) Have any idea what I was even talking about, and C) would have some ability to relate. I was pissed. This was the third day in a row I was denied access to the gym because my debit card was changed. I MADE sure to get a hold of the office before it closed today so I could take my ass in there tonight, and yet again... a split second green flash followed by a long drawn out red flash escorted by an undeniable, wretched beep. If there had been a computer beep translator there, I'm certain it would have said... "DENIED. Go home Ms. Hollingsworth, be thankful you passed on the cinnamon roll and garlic chicken. Be proud for asking the waitress to take away the cracker bowel before you un-conscious consumed all of them simply because they were there and might wanna take your ass to yoga tomorrow." Yes. That's how long that beep was, and exactly what it said to me.

I thought today about anger and pain (mostly anger) and how I have used both to push me my entire life, to achieve my goals and what to do now that neither are a driving force. I decided I was pissed, and I was okay with that. Because maybe I had finally gotten to the point where I was mad enough to do something. Because the whole "be easy on yourself" was getting me heavier. As I walked in my front door tonight inspired and angered, already writing my blog in my mind the word complacency popped into my head. Complacency; defined as, "self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies." When we loose our conscious awareness of the dangers lurking when we stop doing what we're doing. I had become complacent. I was taken back to my days in recovery when the alcoholics would end up drinking again because they became complacent and stopped going to meetings and working the steps. When I hit my -100 lbs a year ago February, I became complacent. On some level, I felt I had achieved my goal, I went easier on myself. I could feel myself more whole because of the work I had done in that gym. I've slowly watched myself gain over 20lbs since last year this time. The jeans I almost gave away because they were too big, are snug again, a vicious reminder of where I was and where I am now. For months I've allowed people to tell me it's alright. It's okay that I've gained a little weight, I still look great and I'm happy. My girlfriend still finds me insanely attractive and was "honestly, happy [I] gained a little weight."  Who the FUCK am I kidding? Who cares what they think. This was never for them anyway! This has always been for me. Anyone else's opinions of what I do in the gym and why I do it are irrelevant. I am done listening to people tell me that I work out too hard, I push myself too much, I'm too hard on my body. For the first time, I saw myself at my goal weight, I saw how solid I looked. Before I couldn't see it, I relied on other's belief in me, I relied on their vision of what I could do to give me the faith I needed to keep me going day after day. I had to trust what they saw, because I couldn't see it, yet. If there's one thing I've learned over the last year is that to comprise one's needs is a denial of the self. I need that gym; I need to push myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. My body, mind, and spirit need clean, wholesome foods. Why? Because that is the safest thing to date that I've found that keeps me grounded, centered, and balance. I love it. It's empowering, it's liberating, and allots me a freedom that few other things can and connects me to my most truest self. I will not live a boring life. That's not who I am nor what I was born to do. I live my life in a way to connect and inspire others...it seems anger and passion burn from the same flame with only a slight variation in color.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Almost Angry

I spent the first 3 years of my weight loss burning more calories a week than most humans consume.  (okay, maybe that's slightly exaggerated, but I really liked that line! it was around 3-5 thousand calories...) and weight loss was easy. I ate whatever I wanted as long as it was "worth it." I would equate in my had what it would feel like to burn that many calories and eat it if I was willing to work it off. Well, things have changed. And yes, of course I did learn to stop when I was full, learn how to make better choices, and eat more consciously, but the universe had been trying to tell me since February that it was seriously time to look at my diet, and not expect my workout routines to always be enough to burn what I still allowed myself to over eat. So when I moved in May and left my gym, my yoga studio, my trainer, and fell in love... I watched myself steadily gain about 4-8lbs a month. At this very moment,  I'm sitting at 238lbs, I was 214 the last time I stepped on the scale at Anytime Fitness in Roseville, MI. There's always a lesson, our weight has a story, and what I learned from mine is that it's really time I take charge and train myself, I know what I'm doing, I wasn't admitting I didn't like my job, and my old workout/eating plans no longer worked for me. Attempting to recreate them here was exhausting and didn't feel right. I was a different person and needed to focus on my diet more. I needed to put more time and energy into eating a more fresh fruit/veggie organic diet that I had come to crave. The frozen Kashi meals only work for so long. I was sharing my daily life with another person, and had to take them into account. It was time to create a workout routine on my own and go execute it, and I'm doing all that, slowly and steadily just like I did when I first started and it took all I had to get up before noon and walk to the end of the road and back.