When in Darkness

"It will but I think it's always a good idea to have a week or so between jobs to fully disconnect and really be ready for the new job. We need time for grieving and letting go, time for transition."

"Ohhhh your such a hospice nurse...lmao"

That was very hospice nurse like me wasn't it? Transition. Letting go. Or was it very cycle of life? The death and rebirth. I loved hospice. I spent two and a half years of my life helping people transition from this world to the next. Holding hands, making judgement calls, and walking families down a road no one wished to travel. I was the after-hours hospice nurse, and it was the inevitable; the part of life we don't look forward too, and yet I did it with honor and grace, and I loved it. I also love silence and stillness. Should I be surprised I'm awake now? Here at 3:23 am, when the world seems her quietest. They call this the witching hour, I'll admit, I have seen many strange things happen at this hour and many times I've refused to be asleep and/or  in the dark. The dark has always frightened me a bit. I'm almost 30, and when I sleep alone I almost always find myself a night light somewhere.

I'm in intuitive. I posses the ability to feel, hear, and communicate with spirits on the other side. So I'm not sure if it's that or my wild imagination that most frighten me when I'm alone in the dark. Fear heightens the sympathetic nervous system and every sense becomes magnified. I'm energized, awake, and every tiny movement is picked up by my sensitivities. Or is it that it's 3 a.m. and the distractions of the world are at their lowest? The invisible energetic fog has died down and my natural intuitive abilities more easily pick up on things unseen?  Did I watch too many scary movies as a child? or have I seen my own darkness so deeply, I know what getting lost in it does for the soul, and therefore I tread lightly, always keeping my eye on the Light?

I'm not sure. But I do know that not too long ago, I read somewhere that when we get woken up in the middle of the night to not allow ourselves to be angry or frustrated but to be open to the messages the night may be bringing to us, and maybe that's what I'm doing now. Tonight I was guided to explore and examine my shadow, I was told there would be enough Light to see, and answers would be revealed. It's a fine line of discernment I think. Things shift in the dark. My intention is not to be metaphorical because I have a very real fear of being alone in the dark. But is it possible this is symbolic of something more? Something deeper, that my conscious mind has yet to grasp? Absolutely. The Light never seems as urgent as when I am surrounded by darkness. What am I missing by reaching for light in fear instead of sitting still in the darkness in faith?

With Grace & Gratitude...

My Sleepy Stretch & Cleansing Breath

This is my life. These days and nights, most recently filled with Netflix's top pick's and some form of nasal decongestant and acetaminophen. I have a cold, or a cold has me rather. It's Tuesday and feels like a Sunday, The past 5  days have run together forming a blur and haze of NyQuil hangovers and still watery eyes. I can almost enjoy the day. If I didn't know it was March, I might think it was fall. The leaves from last years un-kept yards are blowing across the road and the trees are naked, hard to tell if it is a fresh nakedness or not. 

I came into this year exuberant. There was sense of preparing to be propelled into something I had been waiting for. I thought it was my writing. I had begun the researching part of my nature, I was looking up writing jobs, preparing a writing resume, looking to change my day job to something that could be more supportive of my writing career. Books. I had been reading books about writing! That's what I do to prepare myself for something unknown. I gather information. Sometimes it's useful then, others, it becomes useful years down the road. I've always found it useful at some point. This is where I have always felt my passion and my purpose lay dormant, within my words... ideas, philosophies, experiences, stories. I share it because I love to know other peoples ideas, philosophies, experiences and stories. How else are we to relate to one another?

It's still March. And it would still be hard to tell if I didn't know it to be true. My only desire or mantra for the year was to remain open and really slow down and enjoy this year. I wished only to remain open to whatever life brought to me and enjoy each day, So even though it doesn't seem that this year will be all about my writing as I had thought, I have seen some big changes already in my personal and professional life and watched the year take it's time. My nursing career has shifted. I've take on a management role and spent time fulling embracing that and using every day as a learning opportunity. We underestimate the effect we can have on people in a more powerful role. It's important to remember that everyday people are looking to us for answers and for guidance. Also, I'm beginning to feel old. Not old in the sense of everything being downhill from here but old as in.. no longer a child. No longer the student. (Although I think it's important to always be open to learning). I feel grown. It's odd. I noticed it really about a year ago. I always wondered what it would be like to feel grown, and if I every would. But you do. When you see kids who are graduating highschool and you realize you aren't 18 anymore. You look at your friends, and they are all buying houses and raising kids, and maintaining careers. It feels good, I can't complain. I have found myself reflecting on what it must have been like to by my immediate supervisor when I was younger. When I was fresh out of nursing school, cocky, and had about a 1.5 second attention span. I would have wanted to punch me in the face.

So there it is, my moving of my rusty gears. My getting going of my dusty thoughts and cold fingers. My sleepy stretch and cleansing breath. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

Do the Work

"It's 3 a.m. again, like it always seems to be."

Although it's not. It's actually 6:30 a.m. and I am inspired to write and go to the gym, after my tea of course. But the above is a song lyric from gentlemen born in South Africa with a folksy, earthy taste to his fingers and tongue. I like him. Sometimes there are more important things than working out. like yoga, or drinking tea or laughing with a child. Okay fine, that one was just added in there to fluff it up, I 've been playing around with my descriptions and style, and well... there was new flavor. I practiced the best yoga flow I have practiced in over two years yesterday. I breathed into spaces in my side body and hips I forgot were there. Those spaces where the air turns cold as it swirls around and I cannot dismiss that fact. I was more centered, I was more peaceful, I was strong in my core. So much I even went into un-assisted shoulder stand! If you don't know what it is, google it. For someone (me) who has avoided ab/core work as long as I can remember, my ability to do this yesterday seemed only a direct result of the work I had been putting into that area over the past year. It feel good, beyond good. The almost unnoticeable trembling muscles in my core made me smile a deep and satiating smile. So like I said, I'm sure my attitude had something to do with the greatness and depth that came along with my practice yesterday. Progress. A different space. We opened hips, we strengthened the shoulder girdle, the core and the quads. We did new poses and of course, Shavasana. It's the easiest and everyone's favorite, you "lie on your back, in stillness, and reap all of the benefits of your practice today." Most people fall asleep, who doesn't love Shavasana?

So today, yoga didn't make me angry. I didn't shake my head no and refuse to do a pose like a small child, sitting on my mat on my feet, glaring off into space. Today, I embraced my practice and that moment fully. Seems I have spent many days on my mat lately allowing anger to move through me, I am grateful for those days because they allowed me to have this day. Do the work.

Oh and my favorite part? She ended our practice by telling us to walk with Grace & Gratitude...

Passions

I am passionate and mesmerized by the human condition. Energized and inspired by the individual growth and overcoming of hardships. Truth; brutal and raw truth. The kind that you couldn't imagine uttering to another human being. The kind of thoughts and feelings that seem to bubble up from a space you didn't know existed and leave you shocked when the words find their way to your mouth rolling through the space between you and another person. The explainable. Experiences. Conversations that inspire deep thought and transformation. Art. Art is passion within itself, a bare-naked soul manifested in whichever way the artist chooses to express it. I am passionate about art. Practice; because we never get anywhere or finish anything on the first try. Quiet moments with the soul and psyche. I am fascinated by the connection we share with each other, nature, and the Divine. I am passionate about being true to yourself. Honoring your truth while being kind and tolerant. And not only allowing but encouraging others to do the same. Fairness. I am passionate about being heard, about being fair, about seeing all sides of a situation. About working hard and taking yourself far beyond your perceived limitations. Reaching out and being open. Feeling fear and moving through it. I am passionate about breathing and surrender, because stillness brings a sacredness that movement cannot. I am passionate about balance.

What are you passionate about? Where is it that you serve? What is it your soul hungers for?

With Grace & Gratitude...

When Yoga Makes You Angry

"I will not give up... I will stay in this fire...until I am free."

      Yoga isn't always about pretty music, thin bodies, and feelings of peace and euphoria. You don't always flow through each pose with grace and go deeper into a sea of bliss with each movement. Sometimes yoga makes you angry. Angry to the point you want to kick your yoga block, tell the teacher to go fuck herself and leave. Leave your mat where it lay, you can buy another, you've got to GO. Sometimes it's a slow and gradual resistance, other times you're fine until in their softest, most zen voice they utter the one pose that you...just... hate. The pose that requires you to muster every ounce of maturity you have to even attempt it, to even look like you're attempting it.  This happens because there is anger to be felt and anger to be released. It's hiding somewhere within your system unbeknownst to you but becomes a little more apparent with each breath, each subtle movement, and each moment of stillness.

       The yoga studio I frequent has a photo-copied 8x10 paper of a plain black bird in flight with a pale yellow background. There are three of them actually and below each bird is a few words of the sentence. "I will not give up...I will stay in this fire...until I am free." And that's exactly what it is... a fire. A angry burning sensation that seems to come from nowhere, as if your forward fold or dragon pose busted something loose. A fire that erupts from places that seem to have no foundation, no bedrock. No point of reference. Until I am free. Our initial reaction is ALWAYS to retreat, to withdraw quickly and with seemingly good reason. It cannot be good for us if it feels so unpleasant. The mind begins to chatter and race. But this is where you stay. Breathe and watch the mind. What is it showing you? Who is it showing you? What words are you hearing? Are you remembering something someone told you 5 years ago? Are you being taken back to that fight with your significant other from a few days ago? What do you FEEL? Other than the fire, other than the acute desire to flee? Pay attention and breathe. This is the key. Watch it like a movie, stay with it until you are free. Because you are halfway there and if you leave now you leave with the anger only halfway through it's conquest to be released. You leave that anger in your heart, in your mind, in your way... again. Leaving now you leave that anger open to stir up its mate in someone else. So stay with it. Stay with it as it burns itself up in the fire in which it was created; stay with it until you are free.

With Grace & Gratitude

Hello, Root Chakra

I've spent much of my focus on my root chakra lately. Focusing on allowing old pockets of pain to move out, to experience them from an observer's position and let them flow through me. Some ideas from a book which aren't new just said in a different way that has really made sense for me . Although I was kind of surprised to realize that I have spent much of my time focusing on healing my sacral chakra, and not so much my root, when I'm really beginning to complete the idea that maybe everything perceived/felt/'processed from the physical world must first filter through the root chakra. If that's true, it is extremely important to keep that clear. Not just grounded but clear. Because the energy that flows through that could easily bring up gun with it into our other chakras. This is where our survival instincts are, where our addictions lie and where we feel connected to mother earth. In working on my root chakra so much lately I will say I have begun to feel like I have come to myself again in some regard. Even if I clear the sacral chakra but have avoided the root, reminents from there can flow and get stuck in my sacral, the center of emotions and connections to others. Our root is our connection to self, sacral our connection to others. The old adage, "You have to take care of yourself before you take care of others" applies here.

The driving thought/force behind this particular blog was that with all the work I've been doing lately, I'll say over the last 3 weeks or so specifically focused on the root, last couple months on the core area.... I can feel the emotions releasing. My thought was what have I gotten myself into? My anxiety is high, very high. It seems I am constantly noticing disruptions surfacing and consciously letting them go. I must take 5 really deep breaths a minute, visualizing it running through all chakras and cleansing away what is working its way out. It gets irritating. I'm irritable, and my mood is shifting rapidly sparked my something minor.  But I keep doing it. I keep bringing myself outside my comfort zone, moving through the fear. My goal, my job during this time, is to remain seated and grounded in an observer's point of view. Micheal, insert his last name here, says it's just a feeling, it's just something in the universe as a bruise on our body, or a car driving down the street. There is no reason to run from it, to allow it to consume you. It's great work. By far one of the best books I've ever read/listened too (I have it on audiobook.) It's teachings are in perfect time. But it is intense at times, this is why I'm writing this now, sitting next to my window in my favorite room, in my almost favorite chair (it's growing on me) sipping my yogi tea.... because allowing old stuff to surface without consciously and controllingly needing to observe each one and pick it apart can be intense. You've given yourself permission to heal, You've chosen freedom over holding onto something that causes you pain or disruption, grabbing each one as it goes by your psyche on its way out is only slowing the process. I just have to let it come and go. Just breathe, keep breathing.. Spend time alone and be conscious enough to understand that what your feeling right now is very likely NOT related to something happening right now. It's something moving through you from an earlier experience which we chose not to deal with then. It's intense. But I no longer wish to be afraid of the world, I no longer wish to spend valuable energy trying to control and micromanage my life so that I can remain okay. Or other people for that matter. So I continue. I continue allowing myself to open. My focus is to keep myself clear so that experiences can pass through me and I can live my life and love the people in it without throwing my shit onto them.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Because It Feels So Fucking Good

Sometimes I practice yoga naked.

I mean butt naked. I turn off the lights, light my candles and breathe. I immerse myself bare in yoga music flowing through a series of yoga poses I only choose within the moment. No attachment to routine or outcome or doing it "right"; I just allow my body and breath to lead. This is the ultimate getting-in-touch-with-my-body time. A unique liberation happens here. As if you are naked before God, vulnerable naked. All of you is exposed. Your heart, your mind, your body. How freeing to not feel the confines of cotton, although delicate laid, still limiting.  I am left only to feel the lines of energy flowing along their meridians within the invisible layers of who I am. It is only breath and intuition. A free reign they don't get very often. To see with your eyes your body exactly as it is and love it for being so. My body has the markings of a life spent releasing and growing. A beautiful horizon only available within a sacred space such as this.

Become one with your practice, your eightfold path.


With Grace & Gratitude...