Reset

In my mid-twenties, I had the privilege of taking care of a red-headed, ninety-something, Jewish lady who became the oldest best friend I ever knew. She was sharp and intuitive, all four feet and eleven inches of her. She lived in the long term care facility I worked in for about three years; her limitation was physical. She kept her hair dyed and had the smallest, darkest, most "beady" eyes I had ever seen. She was sassy, and I adored her.

I'd come to work some days holding back tears because love was again slipping through my fingers or overjoyed with the new potential I had recently encumbered, she'd lean back in her chair and ask me to sit. She had my number, and as I would profess my exuberant emotions with my elbows on her over bed table about how this one was so much different than the last because it felt this way or that way and how much I didn't think I could love another like this, she'd smile. And she would let me ramble. She would let me be my twenty-something self with nothing but love in her heart and then tell me a story, the same story, every-time.

Her and her husband were married for most of his life, and he was love of hers. He came down from upstairs one night, grabbed both her hands, looked deeply into her eyes and kissed the tip of every single finger. He told her he loved her and went back to bed. He died that night from some unexpected event. She always told me that story with a conclusion of that is true love. Adoration. The small things. That quiet and steady current. It was not over the top. It was not raw with emotion and energy. It was gentle. "It's not what you think it is, kid" she'd say. I'm hard headed; maybe that's why she told me that story so many times. Then again, maybe it wasn't even about me; maybe she just liked to relive that gentle and quiet current that still flowed beneath her heart between them. Whichever, it was palpable enough that I could feel it, too. It was strong enough to calm my antsy nature and racing mind. Then I'd kiss her cheek and go back to work. I knew her words had truth, even though I couldn't entirely wrap my head around it, then.

I just turned thirty. My three and a half year relationship ended about three months ago because I sent the wrong text message to the wrong person. I had found an interest and connection in someone else, and chose not to honor the boundaries of my relationship. It was intense. I wasn't looking for it, and when it hit me like something bursting out of my gut and into the open, I spun around in my chair with a hushed and knowing, "fuck" as she sat next to me.

It has been four and a half months since that moment, and less than twenty-four hours since I told her I needed a break; we needed a break. I needed some time and space to heal, time to reset. If we were truly going to work long term, I needed to take a break  and only hoped she would understand. I've carried that beautiful and sassy woman's truth of love with me for some time now. Lately I've been asking myself what I believe true love is and what it means to me. 

And So We Ran

"Run wild, until you find someone just as wild to run with." 

Nothing thus far has fit us more perfectly. It's morning. I was weird yesterday. I missed her for the first time since this whole thing happened and thought for some reason it would be a good idea to tell you. I really do say dumb shit sometimes. I am a person of method, of rules, of guidelines. I like lists and organization. I like tasks and getting shit done. I can only imagine this part of me comes from my unwavering Libra heart to balance unbridled dance I do with life when I'm not doing lists and paying bills. Loosing myself in circular motions and head throwing laughter. I'm a girl who's in love with the world, but nothing reaches the depth of who I am like this moments, these quiet, alone moments.

I met you at a time in my life when I stood still but conscious watching my sense of my self fade away, arms stretched, hand out with some voice I didn't recognize or trust, trying to convince me it was okay. Compromise. Balance. Safe. This is what you need. Someone to calm you, someone to balance you. Someone not like you. I felt like I was dying. I felt my light dimming and my breath slowing; the inperturbation before the death.

Then I saw you. I saw me in you. I recognized your spirit as someone with whom I had danced before. It was that aha moment for my Spirit when it clicked, a sudden all-encompassing understanding of your role in my life and mine in yours. When you went from someone I felt I knew on some level to knowing exactly who you were. It's like discovering that face you recognize and can't put a name too is actually your most adored childhood friend who somehow got lost in the shuffle of life. There is so much catching up to do, so much excitement. So much instant re-connection, everything else in the world seems trivial. So we ran with it.

Bowing Out

I know there will come a time when I will want her back. A moment, or string of moments which will make me second guess her leaving, my motives, and my own truth. This relationship was wrong for me in so many ways, for both of us, I just wish I would've had the courage to tell her that before I cheated. This has kind of been my mantra the last couple days. Reviewing the course of a relationship is tricky. Perception is reality, and we look for we will find. Right now I'm looking at all the "bad" things. All the things that tore at my self-esteem, encouraged a loss of self, all the things that support the idea that "Yes, it was time for this relationship to end. We are both better off for it." But what about later? When I cross a threshold of a place in my life I had planned go to go with her? What about those nights when loneliness crawls into my bed? What will I look for then, in the analysis of my once relationship? I'll tell you what I will look for.... I will look for those times that she forgave me for being a little crazy, those times she kissed my face and told me how much she loved me. The surprises she gave, the yogurt she kept stocked in the fridge, and the beef jerky she'd bring me on a bad day. I will remember the football games, and the random dancing emoji's. I will see her nephews faces and feel her mothers arms around my neck telling me how much she loves me. I will smell fall and fresh cut grass. Then, I will remember when she took an hour out of her day to bring me scrubs and in return received a text message not meant for her. My heart will ache for forgiveness and for her sadness.. Tears will fall for being the executioner of the life of everything she always wanted, and I will want her back. I will want another chance to give her the life I promised her when she put that ring on my finger.

When those moments come, because they will, I will remind myself of these things.... I never felt I could be myself in this relationship. I struggled to find balance between my relationship and my passions. She didn't like my family, and I am ashamed I allowed her so much freedom in dictating how often and how long they could visit my home. There was always something missing. Some kind of block, added pressure, some kind of something that created tension. Like puzzle pieces that fit, but barely. You had to really push them down and no matter what, there was still that tiny section that just wouldn't touch. I will remind myself that she tried; we both tried. That in the end, it was the best it had ever been, We loved each other deeply, but still that voice inside of me said it was time to go. I will ask myself, even with her flaws, if she helps me become the best version of myself. I will ask myself, if I stand in the way of her path. Those are deal breaker questions.

So here I sit, in the aftermath of a three and a half year break-up allowing the healing process to happen. I sit in the house we bought together, in the town she grew up in, two hours from the place I've called home for the last decade. But that's okay, I love this house and I like to think there is a reason I am still here. This is real life. It's my life, and for the first time, I finally feel I can live it without consulting anyone first.

It's a freedom I have wanted for a long time and was way to afraid to admit it. But I'm here now, and if this relationship wasn't right for me; I can only imagine it wasn't right for her either. Otherwise, we still be in it together. It's about allowing what doesn't work anymore fall away. We fought the good fight. We will both be better for it.

"To know know when to bend and when to leap- when to bow out, and when to hurl our passions like buckets of paint across a stage."


With Grace & Gratitude...

I'm Gay, and I Support the Right of Small Business Owners to "Refuse Service to Anyone."

When the first utterance of "the religious freedom law" found my ears a few months back, my first thought was hasn't that always been a thing? Hadn't small business always "reserved the right to refuse service to anyone?" It just seemed like something old with a new name. I was dumbfounded.

The recent declaration of a couple of business' utilization of this "law" and claiming their allegiance with a set of beliefs that did not support homosexuality has caused an uproar in the LGBT community and it's allies. While I appreciate the support, I feel it important to remember we cannot use anger to negate anger. We cannot strip someone else of rights and pride in their own lifestyles while screaming equality for ours. So they don't want to serve gays? Okay. Moving on. I appreciate the heads up, I will take my business elsewhere. I will not add fuel to the fire. So what if they don't want to serve me? My future wife is considered a small business owner, and I hope she always possesses the right to refuse service to anyone for whatever reason. I will not focus my energy on "discrimination" or "inequality". I choose to focus my energies on the things I wish to see more of in the world. To do otherwise is counter-productive.

We can co-exist. We as in every single person. No two people have exactly the same set of beliefs. There will always be a disagreement somewhere. It's about acceptance from both sides. You can only keep what you give.

I believe in allowing people freedom to be who they are. If we all did that, hate and discrimination would dissipate as a by-product of choosing a more positive focus. I can admire someone for standing strong in their beliefs. I can respect someone for their honesty. Making it known that your business does not wish to serve any particular race, sexual-orientation, religion, sub-culture, etc is quite courageous, for it is self-limiting in nature. Any breathing person would expect some sort of backlash. You are minimizing your clientele pool and risking your own livelihood. None of which effects me. I have no battle to fight here.

Racism and discrimination will only fade out when we stop reacting to it, looking for it, and opening it up to be fed by the emotions of people. Let it go. Bless it, and keep moving. It's one thing to not hide the fact that your significant other is of the same sex and fight for the ability to marry that person and another to paint your life all shades of rainbow and expect someone to not be thrown off a bit.

So, let's put down our pride flags and our #blacklivesmatter signs. Let's just live our lives to the best of our ability and allow others to do the same. Let each of us see ourselves as equal, and we will be equal. Continue to pursue equality but not be mislead by miscellaneous matters. Let's hold a space of trust that maybe someone has good intentions, and maybe we all have something beautiful to offer to the world.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Feed It

The words seem so far. The rhythm which wrapped and warped and freed my soul seem bumpy. I've spent too long reading too much. Ingesting the opinions of others and allowing my own voice to wither away. Leaving me here in the middle of the night grasping for it not because I'm dying inside, but because I want to breath it in, to pull that intangible piece of spirit into my equally impalpable being. There are so many things in this world I just don't have the knowledge of to formulate an opinion strong enough to argue about. Vaccines; Presidents; Politics, to name a few. Many things I don't understand, and even more things I embrace on feeling alone. Because it simply feels right, at the time.

Do it because it feels right. Do something because you've spent enough time in meditation, in prayer, in stillness, in quiet... in whatever the fuck opens your spirit, your heart .... to know what's right for you, then. Do that. Then move on. Let it go. Keep breathing. Keep moving. Find what speaks to you innermost, honest and pure self. Do you know what that is? Where it is? How to hear that voice?
I've written a couple of articles I thought were almost awesome and submitted them to your local online article distributor, but because I used "you" they felt it separated the reader and the writer, and told me to re-write, re-vise, to change my piece to better fit what they felt would be a better piece.

Needless to say, I haven't gotten published yet.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Well, Good Morning, Anger. Tell Me, How Do You Like Your Eggs?

If I'm going to miss yoga today in the name of anger, I'm at least going to make it productive. I'm at-least going to use that time and do something I am proud of, act in a way which promotes self-control, self-confidence, and mirrors the values I believe in most such as love, forgiveness, and letting go.

I'm angry this morning. I woke up angry about a conversation had last night before bed. I don't like being mis-understood. I italicize that because it's not a new revelation, but an old understanding, newly put into words. It's roots are buried in my childhood, it's details not necessary here.

I'm missing yoga because I'm angry. Every time I say that, it lights my energy a bit. Because, it's funny. It's preposterous actually. Let me be angry about something I can't control, and give up something I can. Let me in essence hurt myself by denying myself something which would contribute to the greater goodness by promoting peace and health and well-being. Let me deny myself something I've wanted to do for a couple days because she made me angry. Why? Not why did she make me angry but why am I giving it up? So I can blame her later? And give me more reason to be angry and resentful because she voiced her own feelings? To indirectly punish myself? But why? Because I felt an unwanted emotion?

This is why I'm here now. Because all of this is preposterous, and it's my shit. Because I was sitting with it as I often attempt to do and in between the fleeting thoughts of sleeping, eating, or getting off... I asked what am I suppose to do with this anger? And I hear, let it go. Simple as that. What else are you suppose to do with it? *sigh. Of course. A deeper understanding that "talking" about it, or arguing with her is simply throwing my shit onto her. It's not fair, and it's Sunday. Nobody likes to argue on Sunday. Nobody really likes to argue with the person they love ever. So here I am, If I want different results, I must do different things, so instead of "talking" about things the moment she approaches me just after waking up and starting her day off yelling at her... I am here. I kept my mouth shut and consciously reminded myself to breathe. Already I feel better. And her day started off okay. Why? Because I love her, and I love myself. Because I want us to create positive memories each day and not take them for granted. Because her happiness is important to me. So, I let go. Well mostly. I'm going to "yoga" in my chair once I shut this screen and allow myself to breath deep and release it entirely from my system, from this moment, and from my life. So that next time anger arises, it will not be caring twice what it should.

I can only hope to find myself in a familiar space next time...lotus position in chair, breathing, and working my shit out instead of throwing it onto her or pulling it down and storing it within my physical body as excess weight or sickness. Letting go. Anger will come again one day, and that's okay, how grateful I am to be here now. It's a practice, as always.

As I side note, looking down at the clock... I could probably make it to yoga right now if I chose to go. But this moment feels pretty nice, I'd like to enjoy it while it's here.

With Grace & Gratitude...

When in Darkness

"It will but I think it's always a good idea to have a week or so between jobs to fully disconnect and really be ready for the new job. We need time for grieving and letting go, time for transition."

"Ohhhh your such a hospice nurse...lmao"

That was very hospice nurse like me wasn't it? Transition. Letting go. Or was it very cycle of life? The death and rebirth. I loved hospice. I spent two and a half years of my life helping people transition from this world to the next. Holding hands, making judgement calls, and walking families down a road no one wished to travel. I was the after-hours hospice nurse, and it was the inevitable; the part of life we don't look forward too, and yet I did it with honor and grace, and I loved it. I also love silence and stillness. Should I be surprised I'm awake now? Here at 3:23 am, when the world seems her quietest. They call this the witching hour, I'll admit, I have seen many strange things happen at this hour and many times I've refused to be asleep and/or  in the dark. The dark has always frightened me a bit. I'm almost 30, and when I sleep alone I almost always find myself a night light somewhere.

I'm in intuitive. I posses the ability to feel, hear, and communicate with spirits on the other side. So I'm not sure if it's that or my wild imagination that most frighten me when I'm alone in the dark. Fear heightens the sympathetic nervous system and every sense becomes magnified. I'm energized, awake, and every tiny movement is picked up by my sensitivities. Or is it that it's 3 a.m. and the distractions of the world are at their lowest? The invisible energetic fog has died down and my natural intuitive abilities more easily pick up on things unseen?  Did I watch too many scary movies as a child? or have I seen my own darkness so deeply, I know what getting lost in it does for the soul, and therefore I tread lightly, always keeping my eye on the Light?

I'm not sure. But I do know that not too long ago, I read somewhere that when we get woken up in the middle of the night to not allow ourselves to be angry or frustrated but to be open to the messages the night may be bringing to us, and maybe that's what I'm doing now. Tonight I was guided to explore and examine my shadow, I was told there would be enough Light to see, and answers would be revealed. It's a fine line of discernment I think. Things shift in the dark. My intention is not to be metaphorical because I have a very real fear of being alone in the dark. But is it possible this is symbolic of something more? Something deeper, that my conscious mind has yet to grasp? Absolutely. The Light never seems as urgent as when I am surrounded by darkness. What am I missing by reaching for light in fear instead of sitting still in the darkness in faith?

With Grace & Gratitude...