My Coming About

To be able to sit here in silence and peace within myself feels amazing, a most welcome change from where I was a couple years ago. Being able to sit here next to the window of my choosing with enough battery to sustain my thoughts feels even better. It's a more immediate pleasure. I've wanted to be here for a long time, both within myself and at this precipice of writing an un-bridled piece without editorial staff awaiting it's arrival. I'm staring at my front porch Christmas tree and leg lamp my mother gave me. It's a good view, there's also snow in the background. It's very picturesque. I am, however, a little torn on whether or not I should get more tea. I drank it all at the desk, patiently waiting for batteries to charge and writing about things past. But now, I am here - the present. And thank you God, because it feels incredible - liberating, joyful, and grounding.

I have spent the last two months looking in depth at my compulsive eating habits and the emotions that give rise to those habits. I also haven't drank in those few months, at all. Since my leaving the alcoholics anonymous, I drank twice before leaving the Detroit area and since moving to St. John's I have drank periodically - a glass or two of wine maybe a couple times a month. On at-least two occasions I did find myself drunk, once throwing up in a friends bed. Had my life become unmanageable? No. Did I use it to take the edge off what I was feeling at the time? That would be true, sometimes. I don't want to do that anymore, at all. I did not die from "going back out", but on a very deep level, my embodiment of the 12 steps never allowed a single sip to feel true to who I am. So, let me own that first. Second, let me accept the fifty pounds I watched come back onto my body, as a means to start again.

To say I lost myself in the 3.5 years just after I moved to the Lansing area would be gross understatement. I lost site of my dreams, I stopped doing everything that brought me joy, adventure, and ignited a sense of passion within myself, and I pulled myself away from friends and family. My writing was full of anger and secrets. Reading that, it's obvious to me why I felt so alone and lifeless. I often said I felt as though the light inside of me was being snuffed out, slowly, and it was. I had wanted out for a long time before it happened, before one of our several break-ups actually produced enough disconnect to sever what we needed to finally pull our lives apart.

It has been a year and a half since my wife walked into my life, unexpectedly and without summoning. She literally walked through a doorway, into an office full of charts and asked if I needed help with my work. I turned around to have a flame take fire in my gut without warning like a gas burning stove catching it's match. A very real sense of shock, fear, and truth washed over me. I knew she was the affair I felt coming when I started that job. And it wasn't like this was the first time I had seen her. We knew each other, we had chatted and considered ourselves friends. That day was different though, something moved out of the way and her soul breathed light back into my deepest essence. I slid her over some nursing care plans and told her what I needed her to write.

The rest isn't history, it's right here. Within the walls of our home we share, the sacred vows we offered each other, and the tumultuous path we traveled those first few months to get here. We broke hearts and lives. We also broke walls that had contained us for years and beliefs that kept us stuck. Neither one of us wanted to be that person; we just wanted to be free. We wanted to honor our own truths and get back to our most authentic selves. There was a palpable connection that superseded our human understanding, one that felt physically painful to remove, so we stayed with it. She is one of my most cherished gifts in this world.

Winter always has a way of stilling my soul and slowing my heart to give way to being present. What I feel more than anything these days is a deep sense of gratitude for the re-connections I feel to God, myself, and the people in my life whom I love, not to mention the family and life I watch unfold in front of me everyday. Finally, I feel I have returned to myself on so many levels - mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Grateful, so very grateful. I have no other words for it.

With grace & gratitude...

Cleansed & Set Free

"It's going to be what it's going to be."

I always hated that saying. It always felt like a poor excuse to not create a better reality for ourselves. I have written for some time about an anger I have carried hidden beneath the surface of an outwardly successful and happy demeanor. I don't remember if I felt this way just before moving to Lansing, but I do remember carrying it pretty well for the time I spent here and during most of my adolescence. I was angry about everything---angry I left Detroit, my gym, my yoga, my whole life. I was angry I was here in a relationship that was far from what I wanted. I was angry at myself for the decision I had made and staying.

Recently, I looked around my life and searched my heart and asked what did I really have to be angry about? Why did I carry a miniature scowl on my face, a barely furrowed brow? What would happen if I made a conscious decision to relax it? All of it?  What would it be like if I relaxed into my life, exactly as it is? I can tell you. I don't think I ever remember being this happy.

I was done being angry at everything and everyone. Mostly, my father, the weight I gained and the self I lost over a three year period, and myself for staying in a relationship I didn't belong. I didn't want to be angry anymore. I wanted to be free. And free I became, almost instantly, with the decision to be so. I would classify this as one of the more miraculous moments in my life, when finally, unexpectedly, I let go of years of anger. With it's exit, it took years of fear and anxiety with it. I tasted a freedom I forgot existed, as I was so entrenched in this unrealistic reality. I've watched this repressed anger manifest as bitching about small stuff, freaking out on the cat for peeing on the carpet, judging and gossiping about others, and making big deals out of small things. I feel as if I have come full circle. Back around to the self I left, only smarter and stronger. Isn't that the way it goes though? I turned 30 last year. As I stood in the setting sun with lake Michigan kissing my feet, I asked to be cleansed and set free. I am grateful. So grateful.

Opening Your Heart to the World Doesn't Feel Good, at First.

I have spent the majority of my last several weeks opening my eyes. For most of my life, I have been an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of person. The world, was too much for me to take in. As much as I talked about focusing on love, and love being the only thing thing that's real, I, on some level, only saw sadness when I looked out into the world, although that realization was a slow coming to consciousness.

Being open is raw. It's sad, utterly heartbreaking at times. To finally look up from my own adversities, my own story, and those closest to me, to see the world around me, is sobering. And this is just the beginning. This is through the lens of the computer screen. I have not even seen half of these things up close. I have not seen a 3 year old girl free herself from the hand of sex traffickers, watched women get castrated, animals tortured and beaten to death, children starving, adults freezing to death, or someone beaten do death due to their skin color or sexual orientation. I've not sat next to a women in an abortion clinic as she bleeds into an open pad, where thousands have sat before. Nor have I seen modern day enslavement. But these things exist, all these things.

There are days I feel inspired and others I wish to hide. To crawl back into my hole, and put my blinders on. There are days I fill my head and my day with busy work and claim to not have enough time to read, write, to investigate and ask the hard questions. But that doesn't eradicate the knowledge that is now part of my awareness database, it does not stop the effects it has on my subconscious to do something. It only adds to the restlessness that will manifest itself irresponsibly and dramatically if I do not take a moment to listen. Listening is hard sometimes, and I don't mean that superficially or humorously. It's hard because sometimes peoples experiences invoke so much emotion, I physically and emotionally feel I cannot handle it. I can't process and absorb the words being shared. There was one particular piece about a woman's experience in an abortion clinic that took 3 breaks for me to get through. The tears poured; I sobbed. And I've never even had an abortion! She wrote her experience so well, I not only felt I was walking in her shoes, I felt as if I owned them.

So here I am.

Sitting in my favorite Biggby cafe, with four tabs open on my web browser, debating a second cinnamon spice latte and where I can be most helpful in creating positive change in our world.

"What breaks your heart about the world? Act on that." ~ Angela Maiers

With Grace & Gratitude...

To All the You's

I'm feeling slightly aphotic today. I woke up like this. Emotional, antsy, fearful. But I'm sitting here aside my abnormally large living room window staring at fresh snow and watching a kitten play with the string on the window blinds. Tears still want to well up in my eyes. It doesn't feel so much like a sadness as it does a sensitivity, a rawness. I don't know if it's my lack of sleep or the Marianne Williamson that has been playing in my ears the last couple days, talking about why we really choose to carry extra weight on our bodies.  The "writing prompt" about "what was the most difficult thing, person, idea, dream, you've ever had to let go of" probably didn't help either. But it's probably way more beautiful than all of that. I'm opening again. I can feel it. My heart is nestling in with another. There is a palpable readiness and desire to start and experience a life with her. To love her forever, at our best, at our worst. To finally be half of a whole.

This has not been able to take place without releasing all of you at various times in my life, those who have come before her. Those of you who have added to the artistic tapestry of my life. My blogs, my journals, they will hold so many names in infinitude, as each of you came through and touched my life one by one.

I wrote about you today, the hardest person I ever had to let go of. I described it as an "unrealistic devastation" and how I carried you into the first two years of my following relationship. I still remember what your heart looked like, the way I described it to you, with lights and carousels. I honestly thought I'd carry you forever, that I'd never let you go. But I did. The nights what if's, of driving, wondering, and yearning to feel your heart out there in the world, have dissipated.

And you, it's been almost six months. Six months since we ended our three and a half year relationship. My mother said to give it six months, and I would be okay. She put a time line on it. The infinite pain and fear and guilt I felt seemed to radiate without limits. But she gave me a timeline, a goal, something I could focus on and keep moving. That was the most profound and simple piece of advice anyone gave me after our separation.

So, this is to all the you's, that helped escort me here to her. Who brought me home. Those who weren't able, weren't willing, or simply didn't want it. She has been brave and steadfast in her declaration of love for me. I have looked at her with fearful trembling eyes and wondered if I could ever love her the way she loves me. The answer to that is yes, a resounding yes. She is the one. I'm not sure I've ever told her that. I write better than I speak. I can finally understand the sentiment of being grateful for all potential lovers who didn't choose me or left me.. They were simply paving the road for her to find me. For us to find each other. Every heartache was worth it. I have never met someone so much my equal, someone who is my most exciting companion, even at our quietest and most simple moments. I've never met someone who can swim with me so easily in the space of being and passion.

With Grace & Gratitude...

What's Hidden In the Numbers of 2016?

If we haven't already, we will soon find ourselves reflecting on this past year and looking forward with anticipation to the next. 2015 was very much about clearing away things that were no longer working to reveal a balance in our lives we may have been seeking for some time. The 2 is about love, balance, harmony, business, diplomacy, and fairness. If these things were not present in our lives, the 5 was able to shake things up and create that for us. The zero allows for the divine in all things to be present. 1 is about movement, taking off, taking care of and being true to ourselves. The quintessential "looking out for number one". The number one embodies courage and leadership. It's about taking control of our lives again.

2016 will take all of these energies into it as well, but will lead us in more of a family and community direction, a settling down from the dust we stirred up in 2015. We will become more focused on service, humanity, and selflessness. The two will help create more of an interdependence with those we love, striking a nice balance between honoring our own truth and creating a nurturing space for our home and family. The changing of the five to the six will stimulate a greater sense of responsibility and honesty. "Taking care of ourselves before we can take care of anyone else" becomes an easier concept in the upcoming year. Both the two and six are heart associated, our love and business affairs, especially those associated with service, will take the forefront and guide us through the year; the determination and perseverance of the 1 energy will give us the drive we need to keep moving forward and bring to fruition our new and exciting ideas brought on by our unexpected and seemingly non-stop experiences of 2015.

This waning year was an overall "8" year, giving it a big picture scheme of karmic lessons and materialization of things we had been thinking and feeling for some time. It was a year that allowed us to see things from a slightly different perspective, one of those "from the outside looking in" kind of  places and urged us to make an executive decision about our life has we had come to see it. As we enter into the upcoming and expansive "9" we will find many opportunities to express deep forgiveness and reverence for ourselves, mankind, and humanity as a whole. The "16" is a karmic number and it being overseen by the 9 suggests there will be some resolution and healing of karmic relationships and/or wounds. This approaching year is also very much about service, and with the support of the 6, it only be asking that much more of us in the giving of our own unique gifts to the world and each other. It will be a year of bringing together, it's an "all encompassing" number, possessing all the best qualities of the numbers before it. A great year to wrap some things up and truly start a new. Happy New Year & blessings abound!

May we step forward with Grace & Gratitude...

Christianity Isn't About Self-Actualization?

I read a lot of articles. Today I read an article written by a university president regarding one students perception of a sermon received on campus. Honestly, I liked the article. I would agree and offer elaboration on the subject, but that is not the purpose of this particular piece.

"The primary objective of the Church and the Christian faith is your confession, not your self actualization." 

This statement literally stopped the air from moving in and out of my body and not in a good way. I thought, Oh my God, how repressing. I heard, "Let us focus on your faults. Let us have you focus on your faults instead of your Light and weaken your sense of self." Wow, that's not terrifying at all, that makes me want to run to the nearest church and sign up! (Please note the sarcasm) No "self-actualization?" That's like saying, to me anyways, "We don't want you to know who you are, so we can tell you who you are and you won't question us." That statement blew my mind, for a lack of a more eloquent description. This is in no way an attack on Christianity or this writer, just a statement that provoked thought within me, that will probably provoke conversation. It became apparent to me in that statement how easily it is to subconsciously create the very thing we are opposing or unknowingly separate ourselves. I recoiled from Christianity in that moment as if I had touched a hot stove. How are we to know God if we do not know ourselves? How are we to guide and serve others if we are still searching for ourselves? How are we to spread joy and truly feel God within our hearts if our hearts are surrounded by fear and guilt and shame? It's so simple, if God is Love, why aren't we focusing on that? Seeking to understand, seeking to connect and support our fellow humans? If God loves each and every one of us, then what are we trying to prove? 

With Grace & Gratitude...

Reset

In my mid-twenties, I had the privilege of taking care of a red-headed, ninety-something, Jewish lady who became the oldest best friend I ever knew. She was sharp and intuitive, all four feet and eleven inches of her. She lived in the long term care facility I worked in for about three years; her limitation was physical. She kept her hair dyed and had the smallest, darkest, most "beady" eyes I had ever seen. She was sassy, and I adored her.

I'd come to work some days holding back tears because love was again slipping through my fingers or overjoyed with the new potential I had recently encumbered, she'd lean back in her chair and ask me to sit. She had my number, and as I would profess my exuberant emotions with my elbows on her over bed table about how this one was so much different than the last because it felt this way or that way and how much I didn't think I could love another like this, she'd smile. And she would let me ramble. She would let me be my twenty-something self with nothing but love in her heart and then tell me a story, the same story, every-time.

Her and her husband were married for most of his life, and he was love of hers. He came down from upstairs one night, grabbed both her hands, looked deeply into her eyes and kissed the tip of every single finger. He told her he loved her and went back to bed. He died that night from some unexpected event. She always told me that story with a conclusion of that is true love. Adoration. The small things. That quiet and steady current. It was not over the top. It was not raw with emotion and energy. It was gentle. "It's not what you think it is, kid" she'd say. I'm hard headed; maybe that's why she told me that story so many times. Then again, maybe it wasn't even about me; maybe she just liked to relive that gentle and quiet current that still flowed beneath her heart between them. Whichever, it was palpable enough that I could feel it, too. It was strong enough to calm my antsy nature and racing mind. Then I'd kiss her cheek and go back to work. I knew her words had truth, even though I couldn't entirely wrap my head around it, then.

I just turned thirty. My three and a half year relationship ended about three months ago because I sent the wrong text message to the wrong person. I had found an interest and connection in someone else, and chose not to honor the boundaries of my relationship. It was intense. I wasn't looking for it, and when it hit me like something bursting out of my gut and into the open, I spun around in my chair with a hushed and knowing, "fuck" as she sat next to me.

It has been four and a half months since that moment, and less than twenty-four hours since I told her I needed a break; we needed a break. I needed some time and space to heal, time to reset. If we were truly going to work long term, I needed to take a break  and only hoped she would understand. I've carried that beautiful and sassy woman's truth of love with me for some time now. Lately I've been asking myself what I believe true love is and what it means to me.