Precipice

"A dance in timeless fashion pieces, O ye who makes us wise..."

I have been here before. A familiar precipice. Where stillness and quiet seem to be the moving force behind your fall. Or you can leap. Backward down the mountain seems not to be an option. The Runes call this a place of "non-action". I like to add "non-thought" because here, thoughts are vague and seem automatically translated by the mind as feeling and emotion. The alphabetical jargon holds no composition here.

It was about 3 years ago. I had managed to end my relationship whether consciously or unconsciously I found myself walking away, but talking about staying. It was winter when I finally arrived at where that walk was taking me. I remember being in Tennessee in a bedroom I had spent some years in before, with yellow walls and a bed barely long enough for my almost 6 foot body. Enough space to breath, to yoga, to listen to Mumford & Sons and what something deeper than my heart was saying. I was done fighting what was and had "come to myself in some regard."  I italicize the phrase because it comes from a Rune explanation, when I'd ask then "what now?"... I was told it was about a meeting of the Self and as an end of a means, a coming too. To be patient and wait for signs of spring. All of this immediately preceded my embarkation of life with another. A beginning of something I never thought I was capable.

I reflect back on that because it was one of the most empowering times of my life. Obviously one of the more life changing experiences one can have. I truly HAD come to myself in some regard. I stood in my power, knowing my self-worth, tapped into the well of joy un-given by earthly recognition or gains. The place I felt I had been coming to for years, and I had finally arrived. That's how I feel now. Here in the quiet of my office space of the house with the woman who came that spring. Lined with my favorite photography and art on cinnamon stick colored walls. Wood floors beneath my feet that laid hidden under ugly carpet for over two decades... I receive similar messaged from the Universe. An index card written in my own handwriting I ask, "What is required of me here and now??" That's a good question. It's a faith question. It's a humble question. A question of service. And has an answer that can only be found within the Self.

With Grace & Gratitude...

I will not give up... I will stay in this fire... until I am free...

"I will not give up...I will stay in this fire... until I am free.."

Stagnation. For the first time in years, maybe even my life I feel I don't have a personal goal. A personal goal which is working with and towards my life purpose. What am I doing with my life? What are my next steps? When all the projects and material life changes have settled, what then? It was school for a very long time, then it was getting sober, then it was loosing weight. Then it was building a relationship and life with someone and all I've thought about for two days is how I can start over. How I can change everything. Leave my partner, sell my house, and go about life all whimsical like. My struggle is which path am I suppose to take. Maybe that's always the struggle. Am I suppose to be here? With Angie, in SJ, with our home and our furry children, or am I suppose to be somewhere else, doing my own thing. I wondered today if marriage limits us, and if it was truly something I wanted. I watch Angie pursuing her path, her dreams, and wonder if I've put mine second to hers, and that scares me. Loosing myself, has always been one of my greatest fears. Maybe because it took me so long to find myself, fear of loosing that seems legitimate. Relationships take work and energy and I sometimes wonder if that energy might be better used somewhere else like myself. How selfish is that? My dreams, my goals, my purpose. But is anyone truly meant to be in this world alone? Are there people who truly thrive as single adults or is that some kind of defense mechanism. After all, there are some things you can only learn within a relationship. And if we are single, aren't we almost always searching for someone? or "that" someone. As if there is a deep philological and psychological, almost primitive drive that sends us towards someone else. And how do we know if it is healthy? How do you know when it's time to leave? or time to work harder? If I doubt this much, shouldn't that in itself tell me something? Tell me that this is not where I belong and it was time to go long before this moment? Or is my desire to leave, to change, an ego fear further distracting me from my soul's purpose? Is this the dark before the dawn? The "don't quit before the miracle happens". Is it perception. Is it healing? What is required of me here and now? Maybe that is the real question. Taking the steps and not having to know exactly where I'm going. Just listening and acting as I feel guided.

Warrior- Evaluate my motives. Is it self conquest or dominating another? Am I lusting after outcomes or the task for it's own sake? Consult the self

Growth- The very next rune. Disperse resistance. Consider issue with care and awareness. Will must be clear and controlled. Any dark corners cleared, even if professional help is used. Modesty, patience, fairness, and genrosity are called for. Through steadfastness and right attitude blossoming can occur.

My relationship with Angie- Gateway reversed
Mine and Angie's relationship- Initiation

My mother- opening reversed.

Self-worth & Self-discipline

Is self-worth intrinsically connected to self-discipline. Does our level of self-worth directly affect our level of self-discipline. Can you have one without the other? Is healing one automatically heal the other?

These are the questions I've been asking myself since I read a paragraph stating that self-worth and self-confidence are actually two different things. A concept I had not considered. We can look in the mirror and believe we are beautiful, we can look in the mirror and believe we are intelligent and good and kind. But some of us may feel on a deep and sometimes unconscious level feel that we are undeserving of the good these things bring. Hence self-sabotage

So what now? Where does the healing begin? Is there even a level of logically and conscious understanding that yes, you absolutely do deserve the good things in your life, but on a deeper level feel unworthy. Where does that come from? I am not talking about the over-inflated sense of "the world owes me something" self, I am speaking of those who give effort, those who want something more out of life and find themselves repeating the same pattern or in similar situations which seem out of their control both being obstacles preventing them from achieving their goals, despite their best efforts. And even then, these obstacles are simply a manifestation of an inner, less palpable, less comfortable obstacle. One that often induces fear, that requires some courage, and a consistent application of effort and patience as we learn to change. As we learn to re-route our thoughts, our patterns, and our habits. To believe that anything in your life is anything less than a manifestation of your inner workings, is naïve at best.

If you have fumbled with self-discipline, then play with self-worth. Maybe cultivating that, will allow a natural growth of that which opens the door to achieving your goals.

With Grace & Gratitude...

A Continuation of Transformation

I continue to recite & remind myself... control your anger, restrain your impulses, & keep your faith firm.  That sentiment seems to cover the things which have been causing me the most suffering. I can see a difference in my life. Like the way Angie responds to me and operates within our relationship. She's more at ease. I am sleeping better, and my anxiety is lower.

Keep your faith firm.
I was asked twice by patients families in the last 2 days if I were a Christian. I felt pressured to verbalize my beliefs and explain my concept of God as I understand It which I often stumble and stammer over.  I look to connect others through the conversations of religion, spirituality, and God. Maybe if we focus on our commonalities instead of our differences we could cultivate more peace instead of anger and war.  The question being asked within the context of my job and my relationship with a dying person's family only enhanced my desire to connect instead of separate, while remaining true to myself.

The conversation went well. I told her that no I did not identify as a Christian, I believe there is truth in all religions, and I support whatever helps you to be a better person and bring good into the world.
In hindsight I guess could have just said I support religious freedom? Eh, that's more like half of it. Because it isn't just about religion, it's about spirituality. I support love, and all belief systems including that. After a few moments I shared with her that I personally do believe in God, I do pray, and I do believe there is life after this one. I offered her another nurse who she mentioned shared her belief system to come the rest of the weekend. She declined but later accepted my offer and that was perfectly fine with me. I did not take it personal, I wasn't angry. I arranged for spiritual care and made a request for the other nurse. The patient himself seems to be struggling with his belief system at this juncture in his life; the crossroads of life & death. And the family is seeking support in theirs. My job as a Hospice nurse & child of God  is to do what I can to create a peaceful transition, and if there is someone who can be of more assistance in this situation, it becomes my job to get them.

So in keeping my faith firm, I have been forced to verbalize and clarify my beliefs. To sit with them and review them. To go within my heart and see what feels right, and how I connect with God. Of course after being the very next day the exact same question, it became apparent that God want me to ponder some things, and I did. I realized it has been a VERY long time since I felt that overwhelming presence of God.  I miss that feeling. I found it most often in working with people who were suffering, who were struggling. People who were sitting at their bottom desperate for release and surrender was there only option. I felt God most often there, working miracles in their lives. Our lives. I was not excluded from this experience. It has been in the dark moments of my life I have felt God the strongest. The most fearful, but the most liberating. So now what? Now that my life has come into the Light, and the freedom and Love I have worked so hard for is here. Give thanks. Give back. Make a point to still connect with God through prayer & conversations.

I find it all so fascinating, the beliefs people have. I don't think any two of us share exactly the same set of beliefs, but we can find commonalities. We can seek to create harmony and inclusion instead of separateness. We've been fighting wars for years over who's right and who's wrong. Maybe it's time we took a different approach. Let's practice Love. They say that's what God is anyway. Maybe it really is that simple.

With Grace & Gratitude....

Transformation

Constraint.

I have been antsy for the last several hours. I asked the question last night why was I overweight. My answer was this: What part of you is being disowned? Control your anger, restrain your impulses, keep your faith firm.  Start with that which is the hardest and work towards that which is easiest. 

I read those words and I am immediately quieted, my thoughts, my surroundings; it all falls quiet. I sit in the stillness I have avoided for the last several hours. What is the hardest part? What is being disowned? There is a sense of togetherness that arises. A sense of interdependence. Family. My roots. Is that what is being disowned? My past. My history. The impact others have had on the person I am today. The importance of such people. The grace and the gratitude for love shared and love lost.

My emotional self comes to mind when I ask myself what part of me is being disowned. Then my attention is brought to the areas on my physical body where I carry the most weight. My waist, just below my waist, but not my hips. As if the bottom two chakra energies are literally pouring over and out because I refuse to let them come up, as if the sensations alone would be to much. Would I be able to handle them? Control your anger. Restrain your impulses. Keep your faith firm.

I asked myself today what did I believe in. What do I really believe in? I do believe everything happens for a reason. There is a Divine orchestration that does require my active attention and participation to bring about its best performance. Free will.

The hardest part is being part of something bigger. Being open and interdependent.

Power

I believe in the power of Love. I know, that may sound corny. Wishy-washy, or a little too new-agey for most, but I do. In my deepest parts of who I am I believe the world would be a better place if we all practiced a little more patience, a little more acceptance, grace, and experienced a little more humility. I am no where near perfect. These are things I work on regularly. I can just as easily get caught up in blame, anger, and impatience as the next person. But that is were my quiet time comes into play. That time when it's just me and God, and whatever tools I use to connect there. Tools can be anything. It can be a book, a bible, oracle cards, paper & pen, a friend, a breath. I believe that life is much simpler than we make it practicality has it's place. The destination is already here and we are always our biggest obstacle. I wrote a blog last night and the first sentence was "My biggest battle has always been with myself." It's a scary thing, to love in the midst of chaos, to be calm in the midst of fear. But those are the things that remain when the chaos fades and the fear subsides, it always comes back to that. To quiet, to stillness, to peace. We too will come back to that, as a people, we are coming back to that. Our world is a collective manifestation of every individual's thoughts, fears, dreams, and so on. Ask yourself what you would like to see more in the world and do THAT. Bring more of that into the world.

With Grace & Gratitude...

To Serve

A slow return to the lands of self-exploration. Of pulling yourself back together. The counter balance of falling together too much. This has always been my strength, my ability and willingness to go within. To seek a Higher Power, to seek a better solution, to work towards that. and to write it all out. Letting go & giving up, those things I struggle with. Although they too almost always have a place, and without them there would be no room for growth.

Some say relationships are mirrors. I'd agree. I'd also say they are magnifying glasses. They magnify any parts of ourselves, we have yet to heal. Somewhere along the journey of allowing myself to settle in to a long-term committed relationship, I lost my voice. I lost my muse. I lost fire for reaching deep within my soul & psyche and throwing it onto paper and laying it bare for the eyes of people, sometimes strangers, to see. Always, my belief system has been that we relate based on the intimate details we share about ourselves. We bond with other human beings when we find things in common, when we realize we have all walked a similar path at one time or another, and we have often fought a familiar fight. There is something beautiful in synchronicity, and if one person benefits from something I've written, then I have served.

We all serve differently. We all serve in different ways to different groups, deity's, goals, beliefs, ideals. I can serve the poor, while you serve the animals. She can serve our country, while he can serve fries. We serve something; and ultimately, I believe when serve the same thing.  I serve through my writing. Through being unconventionally open about my past, my thoughts, and feelings. My struggles and my triumphs. I serve through sharing my beliefs & experiences while being open to yours. I am not full of self-pity nor full of myself. My story is no better or worse than yours. But being here, does something for my soul. These stories, the stories we share about our lives, help the wisdom to be a little more tangible & the grace a little more gentle more attainable.

With Grace & Gratitude....