"I want to start a non-profit organization that takes cake to the homeless on their birthdays." And that was how this started.
I love cake. And not any cake, but birthday cake, on or within a day or so of my birthday. I'm a pretty calorie conscious, health conscious individual, but have no shame on my birthday week. There is something glorious about it. Playful, innocently joyful. It's colorful, and sweet. And you get to mix it with ice cream. It's your special day, and should be all about you. And I usually make sure mine is, not in a narcissistic, fuck everybody else kind of why, but a shoulder shrugging grin, yes, it's my birthday kind of way, you're welcome.
There were a few birthdays when money was tight, I was getting older, and decided I was okay if I never got another birthday present. I didn't want anyone to feel bad or not come and join the fun because they didn't have money for a gift. As long as there was cake, ice cream, and the people I loved I was a happy camper.
My birthday is actually tomorrow. But I already have two cakes. I homemade confetti with vanilla frosting, lots of sprinkles, and blue writing. A second Kroger cake, whipped frosting, chocolate, and a flower. That one had red writing I think, just incase you were wondering. Both fantastic. I'll be 29. As I sat gleefully, eating my fourth piece of the day and virtually nothing else, I thought of why this was my favorite part of my birthday. Well, you get a whole cake! With your name on it! Whatever kind you like, however you like it! Usually. Unless you don't. Unless you have no one to celebrate it with, unless you have no money to buy a cake, or unless you have no where to enjoy it. "Homeless" was a broad term I used this evening as I thought of how everyone should feel special on their birthday. Everyone should delight in their favorite sweet treat with their name on it, with at least one person who loves them. There was a seriousness in my heart when I wondered how I could do that.
I'm convinced birthday cake on our special day does something for the soul. Somehow it feeds our inner child and strengthens our Light. God knows the world needs more Light; how can I bring it more cake?
With Grace & Gratitude...
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Ramblings of a Sunday Afternoon
What is it that I want to do with my life? I'm almost 30. I am secure financially. I'm secure romantically and emotionally. I have a good support system. What mark is it that I want to leave on the world? What are my hearts deepest desires? What are my gifts? And how can I express them? I'm almost 30. A surreal understanding. It is entirely up to me how I handle my experiences and how I interact with the world and people in it. I am no child. I am dependent on no one to be in this world. *I* am truly my only obstacle. I am not starting over on anything, I am not getting sober, I am no longer waiting on nursing school to be finished, or waiting to get settled in my new job. I am in my life. Fully and able bodied. Both feet on the ground, totally submerged and living this life. So how do wish to be in this world? How can I make the most of each day? These are the questions I've begun asking myself. This is were I'm at.
It is empowering. This place. Not sure I've been here before, but God am I grateful for it. Still asking, What is required of me right now?
With Grace & Gratitude...
It is empowering. This place. Not sure I've been here before, but God am I grateful for it. Still asking, What is required of me right now?
With Grace & Gratitude...
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Write
I am always writing.
I write in my head all day long. About experiences, feelings. thoughts, perceptions, opinions... I mean the words literally start in my head as if I were typing wishing I had a computer in front of me. I am a writer. I have been a writer since as long as I can remember. Sixth grade I broke down sentence diagrams with delight and perfection. Straight lines, commas, preposition or noun? I loved it. I've always been a poor speller, but that doesn't seem to be path altering obstacle, thank God for spell check, and auto correct (unless its on my iPhone).
There's magic in it. A doorway that leads to un-touched and hidden parts of ourselves. Art. Like any other creative masterpiece, a physical expression of intangible beginnings. It has been my sanity. It has been my savior. It has been my release and my hearts greatest joy as long as I can remember. I have journals from when I was twelve in my basement right now, literally only feet below the chair I sit in here, in this moment. A child's world scratched upon what is now tattered paper, so long ago yet so close to where I am now.
Pure poetry, even when it doesn't rhyme.
With Grace & Gratitude...
I write in my head all day long. About experiences, feelings. thoughts, perceptions, opinions... I mean the words literally start in my head as if I were typing wishing I had a computer in front of me. I am a writer. I have been a writer since as long as I can remember. Sixth grade I broke down sentence diagrams with delight and perfection. Straight lines, commas, preposition or noun? I loved it. I've always been a poor speller, but that doesn't seem to be path altering obstacle, thank God for spell check, and auto correct (unless its on my iPhone).
There's magic in it. A doorway that leads to un-touched and hidden parts of ourselves. Art. Like any other creative masterpiece, a physical expression of intangible beginnings. It has been my sanity. It has been my savior. It has been my release and my hearts greatest joy as long as I can remember. I have journals from when I was twelve in my basement right now, literally only feet below the chair I sit in here, in this moment. A child's world scratched upon what is now tattered paper, so long ago yet so close to where I am now.
Pure poetry, even when it doesn't rhyme.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Friday, September 5, 2014
Precipice
"A dance in timeless fashion pieces, O ye who makes us wise..."
I have been here before. A familiar precipice. Where stillness and quiet seem to be the moving force behind your fall. Or you can leap. Backward down the mountain seems not to be an option. The Runes call this a place of "non-action". I like to add "non-thought" because here, thoughts are vague and seem automatically translated by the mind as feeling and emotion. The alphabetical jargon holds no composition here.
It was about 3 years ago. I had managed to end my relationship whether consciously or unconsciously I found myself walking away, but talking about staying. It was winter when I finally arrived at where that walk was taking me. I remember being in Tennessee in a bedroom I had spent some years in before, with yellow walls and a bed barely long enough for my almost 6 foot body. Enough space to breath, to yoga, to listen to Mumford & Sons and what something deeper than my heart was saying. I was done fighting what was and had "come to myself in some regard." I italicize the phrase because it comes from a Rune explanation, when I'd ask then "what now?"... I was told it was about a meeting of the Self and as an end of a means, a coming too. To be patient and wait for signs of spring. All of this immediately preceded my embarkation of life with another. A beginning of something I never thought I was capable.
I reflect back on that because it was one of the most empowering times of my life. Obviously one of the more life changing experiences one can have. I truly HAD come to myself in some regard. I stood in my power, knowing my self-worth, tapped into the well of joy un-given by earthly recognition or gains. The place I felt I had been coming to for years, and I had finally arrived. That's how I feel now. Here in the quiet of my office space of the house with the woman who came that spring. Lined with my favorite photography and art on cinnamon stick colored walls. Wood floors beneath my feet that laid hidden under ugly carpet for over two decades... I receive similar messaged from the Universe. An index card written in my own handwriting I ask, "What is required of me here and now??" That's a good question. It's a faith question. It's a humble question. A question of service. And has an answer that can only be found within the Self.
With Grace & Gratitude...
I have been here before. A familiar precipice. Where stillness and quiet seem to be the moving force behind your fall. Or you can leap. Backward down the mountain seems not to be an option. The Runes call this a place of "non-action". I like to add "non-thought" because here, thoughts are vague and seem automatically translated by the mind as feeling and emotion. The alphabetical jargon holds no composition here.
It was about 3 years ago. I had managed to end my relationship whether consciously or unconsciously I found myself walking away, but talking about staying. It was winter when I finally arrived at where that walk was taking me. I remember being in Tennessee in a bedroom I had spent some years in before, with yellow walls and a bed barely long enough for my almost 6 foot body. Enough space to breath, to yoga, to listen to Mumford & Sons and what something deeper than my heart was saying. I was done fighting what was and had "come to myself in some regard." I italicize the phrase because it comes from a Rune explanation, when I'd ask then "what now?"... I was told it was about a meeting of the Self and as an end of a means, a coming too. To be patient and wait for signs of spring. All of this immediately preceded my embarkation of life with another. A beginning of something I never thought I was capable.
I reflect back on that because it was one of the most empowering times of my life. Obviously one of the more life changing experiences one can have. I truly HAD come to myself in some regard. I stood in my power, knowing my self-worth, tapped into the well of joy un-given by earthly recognition or gains. The place I felt I had been coming to for years, and I had finally arrived. That's how I feel now. Here in the quiet of my office space of the house with the woman who came that spring. Lined with my favorite photography and art on cinnamon stick colored walls. Wood floors beneath my feet that laid hidden under ugly carpet for over two decades... I receive similar messaged from the Universe. An index card written in my own handwriting I ask, "What is required of me here and now??" That's a good question. It's a faith question. It's a humble question. A question of service. And has an answer that can only be found within the Self.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Thursday, August 28, 2014
I will not give up... I will stay in this fire... until I am free...
"I will not give up...I will stay in this fire... until I am free.."
Stagnation. For the first time in years, maybe even my life I feel I don't have a personal goal. A personal goal which is working with and towards my life purpose. What am I doing with my life? What are my next steps? When all the projects and material life changes have settled, what then? It was school for a very long time, then it was getting sober, then it was loosing weight. Then it was building a relationship and life with someone and all I've thought about for two days is how I can start over. How I can change everything. Leave my partner, sell my house, and go about life all whimsical like. My struggle is which path am I suppose to take. Maybe that's always the struggle. Am I suppose to be here? With Angie, in SJ, with our home and our furry children, or am I suppose to be somewhere else, doing my own thing. I wondered today if marriage limits us, and if it was truly something I wanted. I watch Angie pursuing her path, her dreams, and wonder if I've put mine second to hers, and that scares me. Loosing myself, has always been one of my greatest fears. Maybe because it took me so long to find myself, fear of loosing that seems legitimate. Relationships take work and energy and I sometimes wonder if that energy might be better used somewhere else like myself. How selfish is that? My dreams, my goals, my purpose. But is anyone truly meant to be in this world alone? Are there people who truly thrive as single adults or is that some kind of defense mechanism. After all, there are some things you can only learn within a relationship. And if we are single, aren't we almost always searching for someone? or "that" someone. As if there is a deep philological and psychological, almost primitive drive that sends us towards someone else. And how do we know if it is healthy? How do you know when it's time to leave? or time to work harder? If I doubt this much, shouldn't that in itself tell me something? Tell me that this is not where I belong and it was time to go long before this moment? Or is my desire to leave, to change, an ego fear further distracting me from my soul's purpose? Is this the dark before the dawn? The "don't quit before the miracle happens". Is it perception. Is it healing? What is required of me here and now? Maybe that is the real question. Taking the steps and not having to know exactly where I'm going. Just listening and acting as I feel guided.
Warrior- Evaluate my motives. Is it self conquest or dominating another? Am I lusting after outcomes or the task for it's own sake? Consult the self
Growth- The very next rune. Disperse resistance. Consider issue with care and awareness. Will must be clear and controlled. Any dark corners cleared, even if professional help is used. Modesty, patience, fairness, and genrosity are called for. Through steadfastness and right attitude blossoming can occur.
My relationship with Angie- Gateway reversed
Mine and Angie's relationship- Initiation
My mother- opening reversed.
Stagnation. For the first time in years, maybe even my life I feel I don't have a personal goal. A personal goal which is working with and towards my life purpose. What am I doing with my life? What are my next steps? When all the projects and material life changes have settled, what then? It was school for a very long time, then it was getting sober, then it was loosing weight. Then it was building a relationship and life with someone and all I've thought about for two days is how I can start over. How I can change everything. Leave my partner, sell my house, and go about life all whimsical like. My struggle is which path am I suppose to take. Maybe that's always the struggle. Am I suppose to be here? With Angie, in SJ, with our home and our furry children, or am I suppose to be somewhere else, doing my own thing. I wondered today if marriage limits us, and if it was truly something I wanted. I watch Angie pursuing her path, her dreams, and wonder if I've put mine second to hers, and that scares me. Loosing myself, has always been one of my greatest fears. Maybe because it took me so long to find myself, fear of loosing that seems legitimate. Relationships take work and energy and I sometimes wonder if that energy might be better used somewhere else like myself. How selfish is that? My dreams, my goals, my purpose. But is anyone truly meant to be in this world alone? Are there people who truly thrive as single adults or is that some kind of defense mechanism. After all, there are some things you can only learn within a relationship. And if we are single, aren't we almost always searching for someone? or "that" someone. As if there is a deep philological and psychological, almost primitive drive that sends us towards someone else. And how do we know if it is healthy? How do you know when it's time to leave? or time to work harder? If I doubt this much, shouldn't that in itself tell me something? Tell me that this is not where I belong and it was time to go long before this moment? Or is my desire to leave, to change, an ego fear further distracting me from my soul's purpose? Is this the dark before the dawn? The "don't quit before the miracle happens". Is it perception. Is it healing? What is required of me here and now? Maybe that is the real question. Taking the steps and not having to know exactly where I'm going. Just listening and acting as I feel guided.
Warrior- Evaluate my motives. Is it self conquest or dominating another? Am I lusting after outcomes or the task for it's own sake? Consult the self
Growth- The very next rune. Disperse resistance. Consider issue with care and awareness. Will must be clear and controlled. Any dark corners cleared, even if professional help is used. Modesty, patience, fairness, and genrosity are called for. Through steadfastness and right attitude blossoming can occur.
My relationship with Angie- Gateway reversed
Mine and Angie's relationship- Initiation
My mother- opening reversed.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Self-worth & Self-discipline
Is self-worth intrinsically connected to self-discipline. Does our level of self-worth directly affect our level of self-discipline. Can you have one without the other? Is healing one automatically heal the other?
These are the questions I've been asking myself since I read a paragraph stating that self-worth and self-confidence are actually two different things. A concept I had not considered. We can look in the mirror and believe we are beautiful, we can look in the mirror and believe we are intelligent and good and kind. But some of us may feel on a deep and sometimes unconscious level feel that we are undeserving of the good these things bring. Hence self-sabotage
So what now? Where does the healing begin? Is there even a level of logically and conscious understanding that yes, you absolutely do deserve the good things in your life, but on a deeper level feel unworthy. Where does that come from? I am not talking about the over-inflated sense of "the world owes me something" self, I am speaking of those who give effort, those who want something more out of life and find themselves repeating the same pattern or in similar situations which seem out of their control both being obstacles preventing them from achieving their goals, despite their best efforts. And even then, these obstacles are simply a manifestation of an inner, less palpable, less comfortable obstacle. One that often induces fear, that requires some courage, and a consistent application of effort and patience as we learn to change. As we learn to re-route our thoughts, our patterns, and our habits. To believe that anything in your life is anything less than a manifestation of your inner workings, is naïve at best.
If you have fumbled with self-discipline, then play with self-worth. Maybe cultivating that, will allow a natural growth of that which opens the door to achieving your goals.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Sunday, July 27, 2014
A Continuation of Transformation
I continue to recite & remind myself... control your anger, restrain your impulses, & keep your faith firm. That sentiment seems to cover the things which have been causing me the most suffering. I can see a difference in my life. Like the way Angie responds to me and operates within our relationship. She's more at ease. I am sleeping better, and my anxiety is lower.
Keep your faith firm.
I was asked twice by patients families in the last 2 days if I were a Christian. I felt pressured to verbalize my beliefs and explain my concept of God as I understand It which I often stumble and stammer over. I look to connect others through the conversations of religion, spirituality, and God. Maybe if we focus on our commonalities instead of our differences we could cultivate more peace instead of anger and war. The question being asked within the context of my job and my relationship with a dying person's family only enhanced my desire to connect instead of separate, while remaining true to myself.
The conversation went well. I told her that no I did not identify as a Christian, I believe there is truth in all religions, and I support whatever helps you to be a better person and bring good into the world.
In hindsight I guess could have just said I support religious freedom? Eh, that's more like half of it. Because it isn't just about religion, it's about spirituality. I support love, and all belief systems including that. After a few moments I shared with her that I personally do believe in God, I do pray, and I do believe there is life after this one. I offered her another nurse who she mentioned shared her belief system to come the rest of the weekend. She declined but later accepted my offer and that was perfectly fine with me. I did not take it personal, I wasn't angry. I arranged for spiritual care and made a request for the other nurse. The patient himself seems to be struggling with his belief system at this juncture in his life; the crossroads of life & death. And the family is seeking support in theirs. My job as a Hospice nurse & child of God is to do what I can to create a peaceful transition, and if there is someone who can be of more assistance in this situation, it becomes my job to get them.
So in keeping my faith firm, I have been forced to verbalize and clarify my beliefs. To sit with them and review them. To go within my heart and see what feels right, and how I connect with God. Of course after being the very next day the exact same question, it became apparent that God want me to ponder some things, and I did. I realized it has been a VERY long time since I felt that overwhelming presence of God. I miss that feeling. I found it most often in working with people who were suffering, who were struggling. People who were sitting at their bottom desperate for release and surrender was there only option. I felt God most often there, working miracles in their lives. Our lives. I was not excluded from this experience. It has been in the dark moments of my life I have felt God the strongest. The most fearful, but the most liberating. So now what? Now that my life has come into the Light, and the freedom and Love I have worked so hard for is here. Give thanks. Give back. Make a point to still connect with God through prayer & conversations.
I find it all so fascinating, the beliefs people have. I don't think any two of us share exactly the same set of beliefs, but we can find commonalities. We can seek to create harmony and inclusion instead of separateness. We've been fighting wars for years over who's right and who's wrong. Maybe it's time we took a different approach. Let's practice Love. They say that's what God is anyway. Maybe it really is that simple.
With Grace & Gratitude....
Keep your faith firm.
I was asked twice by patients families in the last 2 days if I were a Christian. I felt pressured to verbalize my beliefs and explain my concept of God as I understand It which I often stumble and stammer over. I look to connect others through the conversations of religion, spirituality, and God. Maybe if we focus on our commonalities instead of our differences we could cultivate more peace instead of anger and war. The question being asked within the context of my job and my relationship with a dying person's family only enhanced my desire to connect instead of separate, while remaining true to myself.
The conversation went well. I told her that no I did not identify as a Christian, I believe there is truth in all religions, and I support whatever helps you to be a better person and bring good into the world.
In hindsight I guess could have just said I support religious freedom? Eh, that's more like half of it. Because it isn't just about religion, it's about spirituality. I support love, and all belief systems including that. After a few moments I shared with her that I personally do believe in God, I do pray, and I do believe there is life after this one. I offered her another nurse who she mentioned shared her belief system to come the rest of the weekend. She declined but later accepted my offer and that was perfectly fine with me. I did not take it personal, I wasn't angry. I arranged for spiritual care and made a request for the other nurse. The patient himself seems to be struggling with his belief system at this juncture in his life; the crossroads of life & death. And the family is seeking support in theirs. My job as a Hospice nurse & child of God is to do what I can to create a peaceful transition, and if there is someone who can be of more assistance in this situation, it becomes my job to get them.
So in keeping my faith firm, I have been forced to verbalize and clarify my beliefs. To sit with them and review them. To go within my heart and see what feels right, and how I connect with God. Of course after being the very next day the exact same question, it became apparent that God want me to ponder some things, and I did. I realized it has been a VERY long time since I felt that overwhelming presence of God. I miss that feeling. I found it most often in working with people who were suffering, who were struggling. People who were sitting at their bottom desperate for release and surrender was there only option. I felt God most often there, working miracles in their lives. Our lives. I was not excluded from this experience. It has been in the dark moments of my life I have felt God the strongest. The most fearful, but the most liberating. So now what? Now that my life has come into the Light, and the freedom and Love I have worked so hard for is here. Give thanks. Give back. Make a point to still connect with God through prayer & conversations.
I find it all so fascinating, the beliefs people have. I don't think any two of us share exactly the same set of beliefs, but we can find commonalities. We can seek to create harmony and inclusion instead of separateness. We've been fighting wars for years over who's right and who's wrong. Maybe it's time we took a different approach. Let's practice Love. They say that's what God is anyway. Maybe it really is that simple.
With Grace & Gratitude....
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