This morning my 5 month pregnant ass completed an hour and fifteen minute strength training workout that started off with a 12 minute burpee EMOM and ended with my arms trembling - my lats will be killing me tomorrow. It felt amazing. I have seen other women do more, more pregnant than me. I think about these women when I want to quit, or change the workout to make it a little easier. My goals are simple - consistency, integrity, and balance. I want to be healthy. I want mental, emotional, and physical health to remain a priority in my life and family. It will officially be 10 years this summer since I decided was tired of being fat. 10 years since running 45 seconds was a huge accomplishment and a simple leg day sent me into depleted blood sugar levels and puking after 20 minutes. I am so proud of myself, and so very grateful for the people and journey itself that have gotten me here.
It's important to remember that none of us are perfect in our fitness and health routines. I've known trainers to have beer and nacho weekends, dietitians to eat donuts, and people actively loosing weight to loose count of how many calories they've had that day. I've found myself most successful when I can accept where I'm at and forgive myself for those moments I felt I could have done better. It took me at-least 2 years to forgive myself for the 60lbs I gained after loosing 100 through diet, exercise, and emotional work. I feel better today, 5 months pregnant, still 50lbs over where I was at my lowest, than I have in years. Last summer was hugely transformative for me. It started with a book that fate brought me, it resonated, and I ran with it.
I pride myself in the fact that I may have stumbled, taken steps backwards, and made mistakes over the last decade, but I have never stopped. I have never stopped moving forward and searching for what would work for me which has changed a lot over the years. At times it's been only strength-training sometimes split with cardio, other times it's been walking and yoga a couple times a week - and that had to be enough. Back in the day I had the finances, availability, and proximity to meet with my BFF 4 days a week for bitching and cardio or pay a personal trainer at my favorite gym for 2 hours a week. Things have changed, and I've had to learn to change with it. Now I work-out out of my house in a pretty legit gym built from marketplace deals and hard labor. I have a 5 year old, a wife, a business, and a full-time job. I train at home with oversight from an amazing trainer that I've known for years who programs for me remotely and allows himself available for support and questions at a fraction of what I'd pay him to see me once a week. This works for me.
I truly believe everything in our life is multifaceted and for change to be successful, we must treat it as such. Physical fitness isn't the only important piece. I also work with a gal who helps me address the emotional piece related to over-eating and impulsive eating and have a spouse who supports me 100% even while pregnant and squatting over 200lbs because she knows how important this is to me. I have people in my life I can be honest with about the struggles and addictions related to food and my desire to use them as a means of escape. Somehow that transparency makes it easier to forgive myself and move forward, it lessens the energetic weight of my perceived failures and gives me the confidence to start over in any given moment. I prep-cooked some meals for the first time about 3 years ago by myself and it was barely anything to brag about! I made 3 things, one which was a salad. It took me at-least 5 hours and maybe lasted me week! Two weeks ago, my wife and I spent 9 hours in the kitchen, made 12 different dishes and have food packed away for at-least a couple months.
It's about practice. It's about starting somewhere and continued movement, however slow or small it may feel. It's about being aware enough to notice when fate brings people and situations in your life to help and support you. It's about forgiving yourself and loving yourself wherever you are right now but still wanting to move forward. As they say in alcoholics anonymous, it's about progress not perfection.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Friday, March 15, 2019
Five Months Pregnant & Lifting
I thanked my wife last night for supporting me in my continued fitness regimen while pregnant. She looked at me as though I was insane. "Of course, I support it. It's ignorant not too."
This morning as my 5 month pregnant ass completed my burpees, bench pressing, and dumbbell routine, I thought of our conversation and her utter look of confusion as I told her how much I appreciated her not throwing a fit for me wanting to continue doing the things that keep me sane. Because so many other people have. My previous partner would have, my mother has, my co-workers ask if it's really safe, my in-laws tell me they'd rather me dust than move boxes, but my wife... she supports me and maybe because she knows me.
She knows that exercising keeps me sane and has for a long time. It balances my emotions, my energy, my body. I'm sure I get some kind of endorphin producing high from it, but that's better than a high from anything else. I've spent 10 years spilling my guts on black mat floors, under and over barbells, sweating and crying at the same time, and finding my balance. There are tons of women who have done more while more pregnant, I've seen them myself in the gym with their spotters and belly wraps. They've inspired me long before I found myself in the same place.
This morning as my 5 month pregnant ass completed my burpees, bench pressing, and dumbbell routine, I thought of our conversation and her utter look of confusion as I told her how much I appreciated her not throwing a fit for me wanting to continue doing the things that keep me sane. Because so many other people have. My previous partner would have, my mother has, my co-workers ask if it's really safe, my in-laws tell me they'd rather me dust than move boxes, but my wife... she supports me and maybe because she knows me.
She knows that exercising keeps me sane and has for a long time. It balances my emotions, my energy, my body. I'm sure I get some kind of endorphin producing high from it, but that's better than a high from anything else. I've spent 10 years spilling my guts on black mat floors, under and over barbells, sweating and crying at the same time, and finding my balance. There are tons of women who have done more while more pregnant, I've seen them myself in the gym with their spotters and belly wraps. They've inspired me long before I found myself in the same place.
Monday, January 21, 2019
Grace & Responsibilities
I need to be real, real quick. It's 4am. I can barely see through my swollen eyes and think past my throbbing face. I woke up from weird dreams of suddenly being responsible for some unknown lady we found on our back property after we purchased it, she somehow lived there, wasn't entirely a surprise, but yet, she had no physical home. It was vague, annoying, and I couldn't get back to sleep. I blame it on a the full moon, my pregnancy hormones, and the great chance I am releasing some old emotions associated with my Mother.
Here's where I'm weird, I own it, and I'm okay with it. Many struggle to wrap their brains around it, but there is a deep truth to this, and it's how I live my life. And have for probably at-least a decade. Physical ailments have an emotional and/or psychological component. To fully heal from any physical ailment, these things must be addressed, too. Less, they be repeated or manifest in some other, more intense, form. I make a point to ask myself - my body and my spirit - when I'm feeling out of sorts, what is this trying to teach me? What is this physical discomfort trying to bring to my awareness?
I sat on my couch tonight and cried because it's been exactly 2 weeks today since I moved my Mother here, into my family's home, so she could have a place to gain strength and heal, and it's also been 2 weeks since I felt 100% physically and emotionally great. I've been anxious (not entirely out of character for me), managed to jack up my right shoulder, upper back, and neck and manifested a terrible sinus infection for the first time since, honestly, probably since she lived here the last time in 2014. I've missed 4 days of work and 3 workout sessions. I am worried for my job, my wife's sanity, what this stress is doing to my unborn baby, if my trainer is going to stick this out with me, and how I can do all this with grace, patience, and compassion all while maintaining a balance between self-care and caring for others; and upholding all my other life responsibilities - my job, my marriage, my kid, my business, and my home.
All that being said - I do not, at all, regret her being here. This is all my shit. And this is truly where she needs to be. In these two weeks, she has ended up back in the hospital for 6 days and currently living in a sub-acute rehab facility to maximize her chances at getting her strength and independence back. I've had no surprises, I expected this to be very similar to the reality it has been, and I'm okay with that. She was already stronger today, after 3 days in rehab, than she's been since her second hospital discharge the end of November. I'm sure it's not all easy on her either. We're all adjusting, and I trust we will all be better because of this move.
Looking again at my weird, let's break down these physical ailments... first things manifested emotionally where I had an intense desire to physically run, so I did, three times in the first week. My 14 week pregnant ass ran, on the treadmill, for the first time in at-least 6 months, it felt amazing, but it's stress-reliving properties were short lived, and I understood the correlation pretty quickly - I craved physically running like an addict, because I wanted to run emotionally. So, I journal-ed and hit up my least judgey and crazy-embracing friends. Days later, my first day back to work, while having to back out of two levels of parking garage, I managed to strain my neck, rotating out a couple discs in my cervical spine, and causing intense, breathe-taking, pain to my upper back and R shoulder. Do you know what the emotional connection to these injuries are? Shoulders are about burdens, responsibilities, and guilt. Upper back is emotional support. Neck is about processing our emotions. The right side is the masculine, initiating, and/or work related side. After shamefully hitting up my trainer and confessing my inability to do the workout for the second time this week, I hit up my chiropractor, got adjusted, bought some all-natural pain reliever cream and affirmed to myself, that I possess the ability to gracefully handle all the responsibilities in my life; I began to feel better. Three days later, while painfully attempting to get my mother discharged from the hospital and into a place where she could get physical and occupational therapy 5-7 times a week, I developed my acute sinus infection on the left side of my face - want to know that emotion that has to do with? Irritations with someone close to you, and the left side is all about the feminine, the receptive. Sure it could have been the case manager lady at the hospital who was on my last nerve, but because I suffered with sinus infections pretty much my entire childhood, only to have them entirely dissipate after moving away I typically correlate them with my family.
It's been an intense couple weeks. I have taken on much more responsibility, including at home because Sabrina switched jobs and shifts the day my Mother and I arrived. Of course she did, right?! I have felt guilt associated with being snarky with the people I love, missing work, missing my workouts, and eating myself sick for 2 days. I have been afraid of not having enough time and energy for all the responsibilities in my life, loosing myself in this process, and keeping my job. I have asked God for patience, strength, and compassion for myself and those around me. And I think this also may be about asking, or even more so, accepting help. I sit here under this moon, in my Mother's chair, hoping this raw out-pouring of my emotions and my truth somehow allow me to release what I need to release so that I can be a better daughter, wife, and Mother - more patient, more compassionate, and more confident in my abilities to handle the responsibilities off all those titles.
And maybe, just maybe, my honest admission of my weirdness will allow and help someone else to peer deeper into their own situation. After all, all paths lead back to the self. We are all striving, on some level to be and/or remain whole, balanced, and healthy.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Here's where I'm weird, I own it, and I'm okay with it. Many struggle to wrap their brains around it, but there is a deep truth to this, and it's how I live my life. And have for probably at-least a decade. Physical ailments have an emotional and/or psychological component. To fully heal from any physical ailment, these things must be addressed, too. Less, they be repeated or manifest in some other, more intense, form. I make a point to ask myself - my body and my spirit - when I'm feeling out of sorts, what is this trying to teach me? What is this physical discomfort trying to bring to my awareness?
I sat on my couch tonight and cried because it's been exactly 2 weeks today since I moved my Mother here, into my family's home, so she could have a place to gain strength and heal, and it's also been 2 weeks since I felt 100% physically and emotionally great. I've been anxious (not entirely out of character for me), managed to jack up my right shoulder, upper back, and neck and manifested a terrible sinus infection for the first time since, honestly, probably since she lived here the last time in 2014. I've missed 4 days of work and 3 workout sessions. I am worried for my job, my wife's sanity, what this stress is doing to my unborn baby, if my trainer is going to stick this out with me, and how I can do all this with grace, patience, and compassion all while maintaining a balance between self-care and caring for others; and upholding all my other life responsibilities - my job, my marriage, my kid, my business, and my home.
All that being said - I do not, at all, regret her being here. This is all my shit. And this is truly where she needs to be. In these two weeks, she has ended up back in the hospital for 6 days and currently living in a sub-acute rehab facility to maximize her chances at getting her strength and independence back. I've had no surprises, I expected this to be very similar to the reality it has been, and I'm okay with that. She was already stronger today, after 3 days in rehab, than she's been since her second hospital discharge the end of November. I'm sure it's not all easy on her either. We're all adjusting, and I trust we will all be better because of this move.
Looking again at my weird, let's break down these physical ailments... first things manifested emotionally where I had an intense desire to physically run, so I did, three times in the first week. My 14 week pregnant ass ran, on the treadmill, for the first time in at-least 6 months, it felt amazing, but it's stress-reliving properties were short lived, and I understood the correlation pretty quickly - I craved physically running like an addict, because I wanted to run emotionally. So, I journal-ed and hit up my least judgey and crazy-embracing friends. Days later, my first day back to work, while having to back out of two levels of parking garage, I managed to strain my neck, rotating out a couple discs in my cervical spine, and causing intense, breathe-taking, pain to my upper back and R shoulder. Do you know what the emotional connection to these injuries are? Shoulders are about burdens, responsibilities, and guilt. Upper back is emotional support. Neck is about processing our emotions. The right side is the masculine, initiating, and/or work related side. After shamefully hitting up my trainer and confessing my inability to do the workout for the second time this week, I hit up my chiropractor, got adjusted, bought some all-natural pain reliever cream and affirmed to myself, that I possess the ability to gracefully handle all the responsibilities in my life; I began to feel better. Three days later, while painfully attempting to get my mother discharged from the hospital and into a place where she could get physical and occupational therapy 5-7 times a week, I developed my acute sinus infection on the left side of my face - want to know that emotion that has to do with? Irritations with someone close to you, and the left side is all about the feminine, the receptive. Sure it could have been the case manager lady at the hospital who was on my last nerve, but because I suffered with sinus infections pretty much my entire childhood, only to have them entirely dissipate after moving away I typically correlate them with my family.
It's been an intense couple weeks. I have taken on much more responsibility, including at home because Sabrina switched jobs and shifts the day my Mother and I arrived. Of course she did, right?! I have felt guilt associated with being snarky with the people I love, missing work, missing my workouts, and eating myself sick for 2 days. I have been afraid of not having enough time and energy for all the responsibilities in my life, loosing myself in this process, and keeping my job. I have asked God for patience, strength, and compassion for myself and those around me. And I think this also may be about asking, or even more so, accepting help. I sit here under this moon, in my Mother's chair, hoping this raw out-pouring of my emotions and my truth somehow allow me to release what I need to release so that I can be a better daughter, wife, and Mother - more patient, more compassionate, and more confident in my abilities to handle the responsibilities off all those titles.
And maybe, just maybe, my honest admission of my weirdness will allow and help someone else to peer deeper into their own situation. After all, all paths lead back to the self. We are all striving, on some level to be and/or remain whole, balanced, and healthy.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
Children of Darkness
I stood next to my five year old, who stood on a chair, scrubbing the night's spaghetti pan because she wanted to. It barely fit in the sink, her sleeves were soaked to her shoulders, and I'm pretty sure she used at-least triple the amount of soap required. She splashed and laughed and asked me to help her dump the water and dry it; so I did. She continued to wash (and did and pretty damn good job honestly) while I dried and put things away. I stood there and watched her, amazed at her willingness to help and amazed at my patience in letting her.
In one of their new songs, Mumford & Sons, talked about children of darkness. The phrase caught my attention and reminded me of where I spent most of my life. A child in darkness. Today, my life is better than I ever imagined it could be. A deep, guttural peace vibrates within me. I do not fear the things that once ruled my life - addiction, myself, other people, insecurities, and so many other things that have filled the 15 plus journals I have scribbled over the years. It has not been without work, willingness, a little humiliation, and some sheer grace. There is always hope. Everyday I see someone who struggles with being stuck, fearful, stagnant, sick, or depressed. Every time, I see something they could start doing right now to change their experience, to begin that shift into a better life if only they were open to it, if only they were willing to do whatever it takes.
If you are that struggling person reading this and truly want to change your life, find that willingness to do whatever it takes and run with that shit. Read books, make new friends, face your darkness, go to that meeting or that support group, be 100% honest with someone about what you're going through right now, start journaling. Do something, anything, new right now. If you don't like your life, you have the power to change it. It will not happen overnight, and it may suck a little along the way, but I promise you, it's worth it. Your life is worth it. The life waiting for you is worth it.
In one of their new songs, Mumford & Sons, talked about children of darkness. The phrase caught my attention and reminded me of where I spent most of my life. A child in darkness. Today, my life is better than I ever imagined it could be. A deep, guttural peace vibrates within me. I do not fear the things that once ruled my life - addiction, myself, other people, insecurities, and so many other things that have filled the 15 plus journals I have scribbled over the years. It has not been without work, willingness, a little humiliation, and some sheer grace. There is always hope. Everyday I see someone who struggles with being stuck, fearful, stagnant, sick, or depressed. Every time, I see something they could start doing right now to change their experience, to begin that shift into a better life if only they were open to it, if only they were willing to do whatever it takes.
If you are that struggling person reading this and truly want to change your life, find that willingness to do whatever it takes and run with that shit. Read books, make new friends, face your darkness, go to that meeting or that support group, be 100% honest with someone about what you're going through right now, start journaling. Do something, anything, new right now. If you don't like your life, you have the power to change it. It will not happen overnight, and it may suck a little along the way, but I promise you, it's worth it. Your life is worth it. The life waiting for you is worth it.
Thursday, November 8, 2018
Dear Franklin Graham
I don't know who you are. Your article on Faith Family America said something about you being a preacher, so I'll assume that's true.
You are quoted as saying that you were "afraid for our children and grandchildren." I have been afraid, too. Ironically, as I read this article, I was just finishing up a blog about how it was not politics or religion that was separating us, but fear. Good ol' fashioned fear. The same fear that your religion has used to run itself for hundreds of years.
Where is your faith? I believe God, the all-knowing, all-loving, omnipresent being, that beautifully orchestrates all things according to his will is over-seeing this and is in control. In my fear blog, I started off with talking about the utter physical upheaval of disgust I felt as D.T. was elected by the majority to be my president. I had to let it go, and I had to have faith.
Here's the thing about people like you and people like me. We both feel passionately about our country, our future generations, and family. Again, I'm assuming based only on your article, that you and I can agree on this. The difference is, I don't post blogs or articles about why everyone is wrong who doesn't believe what I believe. My experience has shown me that there is no gay agenda, but rest assured, there is a Christian one.
For years, fear has been used mistakenly by people as a means of control. Jesus taught love, plain and simple. I struggle to understand why this has become such a difficult concept to comprehend. It's hard, I know, to feel out of control. The tactics of fear have worked for quite some time offering you and yours the illusion of control; I understand why you are afraid. Progressive movements such as the abolition of slavery, women's right to vote, and gay marriage all give people freedom of choice, thus, reducing the control of your fear-based doctrine.
I truly believe in my heart of hearts, the time has come, again, to teach about love. Fear has run it's course. It's ineffective, and it breads violence and division. United we stand, divided we fall. Things are changing. Those morals you speak of that built the "Biblical foundation of our laws" were created when slavery was legal, when it was acceptable to strip native people of their own land, to rape women, and beat children. Can you argue this is what Jesus would have wanted? What God would have wanted?
I absolutely will be praying for our country. I will be doing so in love and with faith that things are just as they should be, that God is in control, and we are moving in the direction that he would have us go.
It's easy to forget sometimes that we are not God, and we don't always know what God's will is for us, or anyone else for that matter. It's easy to think that someone else, other than ourselves, is the one mistaking evil for good, and good for evil.
You are quoted as saying that you were "afraid for our children and grandchildren." I have been afraid, too. Ironically, as I read this article, I was just finishing up a blog about how it was not politics or religion that was separating us, but fear. Good ol' fashioned fear. The same fear that your religion has used to run itself for hundreds of years.
Where is your faith? I believe God, the all-knowing, all-loving, omnipresent being, that beautifully orchestrates all things according to his will is over-seeing this and is in control. In my fear blog, I started off with talking about the utter physical upheaval of disgust I felt as D.T. was elected by the majority to be my president. I had to let it go, and I had to have faith.
Here's the thing about people like you and people like me. We both feel passionately about our country, our future generations, and family. Again, I'm assuming based only on your article, that you and I can agree on this. The difference is, I don't post blogs or articles about why everyone is wrong who doesn't believe what I believe. My experience has shown me that there is no gay agenda, but rest assured, there is a Christian one.
For years, fear has been used mistakenly by people as a means of control. Jesus taught love, plain and simple. I struggle to understand why this has become such a difficult concept to comprehend. It's hard, I know, to feel out of control. The tactics of fear have worked for quite some time offering you and yours the illusion of control; I understand why you are afraid. Progressive movements such as the abolition of slavery, women's right to vote, and gay marriage all give people freedom of choice, thus, reducing the control of your fear-based doctrine.
I truly believe in my heart of hearts, the time has come, again, to teach about love. Fear has run it's course. It's ineffective, and it breads violence and division. United we stand, divided we fall. Things are changing. Those morals you speak of that built the "Biblical foundation of our laws" were created when slavery was legal, when it was acceptable to strip native people of their own land, to rape women, and beat children. Can you argue this is what Jesus would have wanted? What God would have wanted?
I absolutely will be praying for our country. I will be doing so in love and with faith that things are just as they should be, that God is in control, and we are moving in the direction that he would have us go.
It's easy to forget sometimes that we are not God, and we don't always know what God's will is for us, or anyone else for that matter. It's easy to think that someone else, other than ourselves, is the one mistaking evil for good, and good for evil.
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
Anytime Now, Body, Let's Get a Baby Growing.
In the name of making some extra money, double my hourly pay to be exact, I have gotten my afternoons-working ass up at 5:15am. It wasn't hard, because my sleep last night was intermittent, and I stayed hot - never a good combo. I was almost grateful my alarm finally went off this morning.
We are about 3 days out from my expected period. That matters because we're actively trying to get pregnant and less that two weeks ago we gave it another go.
It takes daily reminders to not obsess, daily reminders to not test 3 days after ovulation when the egg isn't even out of the damn fallopian tubes, and sometimes gentle hourly reminders that it's highly unlikely that nausea has set in already, before I've even skipped a period. It's easy to get caught up in the "signs" from the universe that it happened this time - like finding reassurance in "Freudian slips", random questions from five year olds, and a psychic's words that the child energy is so strong, she might be on her way already, but IVF has a strong energy, too. Every cramp, every yawn, every food/medication/drink I put in my body is carefully analyzed for the safety of a potential baby. To some degree, I have to act "as if" during these two weeks between ovulation and potential next period, despite the fact that crackheads, heroin addicts, energy-drink drinkers, smokers, cross-fit junkies, and people with "the wrong mindset" get pregnant all the time. Somehow, knowing and wanting it stirs the desire of protection in myself already, the mother-to-be.
Yesterday, my five year old, on her birthday, looked at me as she was sitting on the toilet and said, "Dot, I hope there's a baby in your belly. I want a little sister." No shit?! I looked at my wife. My eyes wide, but I was trying to play it cool. The psychic said she saw magenta, and felt it would be a girl. Now my kid is saying this?! Is she picking up on something, too?! I asked her what made her say that, she said because she wants a sister. Nothing more, nothing less, just that.
This sure is an interesting phase of my journey. It's all about patience, staying open, staying grounded and peaceful. I one hundred percent believe that me getting angry, anxious, controlling, fearful, and/or frustrated will not help the situation. So, here I am, at 6:20 on a Wednesday, drinking my I awake tea in my scrubs with a wet head, up too early, writing blogs instead of packing my lunch to process these emotions that kept me up last night. I trust in divine timing. I am lovingly doing everything I can on my end to help me conceive - mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Now, to be patient and trust.
With Grace & Gratitude...
We are about 3 days out from my expected period. That matters because we're actively trying to get pregnant and less that two weeks ago we gave it another go.
It takes daily reminders to not obsess, daily reminders to not test 3 days after ovulation when the egg isn't even out of the damn fallopian tubes, and sometimes gentle hourly reminders that it's highly unlikely that nausea has set in already, before I've even skipped a period. It's easy to get caught up in the "signs" from the universe that it happened this time - like finding reassurance in "Freudian slips", random questions from five year olds, and a psychic's words that the child energy is so strong, she might be on her way already, but IVF has a strong energy, too. Every cramp, every yawn, every food/medication/drink I put in my body is carefully analyzed for the safety of a potential baby. To some degree, I have to act "as if" during these two weeks between ovulation and potential next period, despite the fact that crackheads, heroin addicts, energy-drink drinkers, smokers, cross-fit junkies, and people with "the wrong mindset" get pregnant all the time. Somehow, knowing and wanting it stirs the desire of protection in myself already, the mother-to-be.
Yesterday, my five year old, on her birthday, looked at me as she was sitting on the toilet and said, "Dot, I hope there's a baby in your belly. I want a little sister." No shit?! I looked at my wife. My eyes wide, but I was trying to play it cool. The psychic said she saw magenta, and felt it would be a girl. Now my kid is saying this?! Is she picking up on something, too?! I asked her what made her say that, she said because she wants a sister. Nothing more, nothing less, just that.
This sure is an interesting phase of my journey. It's all about patience, staying open, staying grounded and peaceful. I one hundred percent believe that me getting angry, anxious, controlling, fearful, and/or frustrated will not help the situation. So, here I am, at 6:20 on a Wednesday, drinking my I awake tea in my scrubs with a wet head, up too early, writing blogs instead of packing my lunch to process these emotions that kept me up last night. I trust in divine timing. I am lovingly doing everything I can on my end to help me conceive - mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Now, to be patient and trust.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Friday, August 10, 2018
Babies
Periods have an entirely different purpose when you're trying to conceive. That shit is numbered and labeled, every day has a duty, and you are ready for it. Mine came today and I was ecstatic. Horray! Now, lets get these new patient papers filled out and pull the trigger on the big guns. It will be 2 years in November since we first decided we wanted to "get the process going" to have more kids. Granted, we've not paid to have inseminations every single month, but we've had a few. The meds, the emotional ups and downs, the waiting, the counting days, buying sperm, the hoping and praying, doctors appointments - we've done all of that for the last year and 9 months. We took the summer off. As the planned carrier and after a few failed attempts the beginning of this year, I needed a break. My wife, being the supportive and loving partner she is, told me to do whatever I feel I needed to do.
This summer has felt so good. It's been relaxing and refreshing - a much needed change from every other summer Sabrina and I have had. Summer one we met and that brought about its own upheavals, summer two we got married, summer three we house hunted and moved. These last few months I have focused on my business, my health, being more open and relaxed and watched life do it's thing.
Somehow, unexpectedly, we ended up finishing the nursery and main floor bathroom. Both of which we weren't going to touch until the fall. But, here it is, August 10, and tomorrow should wrap up our final project. We're ready. We're still excited. I can't speak for her, but my heart is so ready to love another child. I've also made several dietary changes over the summer to help with weight and inflammation in my body (evidenced by my chronic psoriasis that has cleared up significantly since I decided to make said dietary changes). No, I'm not on a diet. But I have changed my diet; there is a difference. I feel the best I've felt in at-least 5 years on all levels - physically, mentally, emotionally, & spiritually.
This shit is not for the faint of heart. Parenthood isn't either, though. So, here I sit, my detox tea to my right, music playing to my left, and preparing myself for this next step. It's a little emotional as I'm trying my best to be honest about wanting to get pregnant, but not being desperate, needy, and fearful.
As I reflect on where I have been in my life, this seems easy. I somehow still feel incredibly lucky and grateful for what I have and where I am. I'm overwhelmed actually, with the depth of gratitude I feel for this life. I have wanted to carry a baby inside my body, next to my heart, as long as I can remember, and probably way earlier than I should have! Divine timing is a real thing, and I trust there is a divine plan. I pray for patience, for joy, and for babies.
In the words of my good friend B Sacco, "It shouldn't be this hard to get pregnant when you want to have a baby..." No it shouldn't, maybe this time it won't be.
With Grace & Gratitude...
This summer has felt so good. It's been relaxing and refreshing - a much needed change from every other summer Sabrina and I have had. Summer one we met and that brought about its own upheavals, summer two we got married, summer three we house hunted and moved. These last few months I have focused on my business, my health, being more open and relaxed and watched life do it's thing.
Somehow, unexpectedly, we ended up finishing the nursery and main floor bathroom. Both of which we weren't going to touch until the fall. But, here it is, August 10, and tomorrow should wrap up our final project. We're ready. We're still excited. I can't speak for her, but my heart is so ready to love another child. I've also made several dietary changes over the summer to help with weight and inflammation in my body (evidenced by my chronic psoriasis that has cleared up significantly since I decided to make said dietary changes). No, I'm not on a diet. But I have changed my diet; there is a difference. I feel the best I've felt in at-least 5 years on all levels - physically, mentally, emotionally, & spiritually.
This shit is not for the faint of heart. Parenthood isn't either, though. So, here I sit, my detox tea to my right, music playing to my left, and preparing myself for this next step. It's a little emotional as I'm trying my best to be honest about wanting to get pregnant, but not being desperate, needy, and fearful.
As I reflect on where I have been in my life, this seems easy. I somehow still feel incredibly lucky and grateful for what I have and where I am. I'm overwhelmed actually, with the depth of gratitude I feel for this life. I have wanted to carry a baby inside my body, next to my heart, as long as I can remember, and probably way earlier than I should have! Divine timing is a real thing, and I trust there is a divine plan. I pray for patience, for joy, and for babies.
In the words of my good friend B Sacco, "It shouldn't be this hard to get pregnant when you want to have a baby..." No it shouldn't, maybe this time it won't be.
With Grace & Gratitude...
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