This morning my 5 month pregnant ass completed an hour and fifteen minute strength training workout that started off with a 12 minute burpee EMOM and ended with my arms trembling - my lats will be killing me tomorrow. It felt amazing. I have seen other women do more, more pregnant than me. I think about these women when I want to quit, or change the workout to make it a little easier. My goals are simple - consistency, integrity, and balance. I want to be healthy. I want mental, emotional, and physical health to remain a priority in my life and family. It will officially be 10 years this summer since I decided was tired of being fat. 10 years since running 45 seconds was a huge accomplishment and a simple leg day sent me into depleted blood sugar levels and puking after 20 minutes. I am so proud of myself, and so very grateful for the people and journey itself that have gotten me here.
It's important to remember that none of us are perfect in our fitness and health routines. I've known trainers to have beer and nacho weekends, dietitians to eat donuts, and people actively loosing weight to loose count of how many calories they've had that day. I've found myself most successful when I can accept where I'm at and forgive myself for those moments I felt I could have done better. It took me at-least 2 years to forgive myself for the 60lbs I gained after loosing 100 through diet, exercise, and emotional work. I feel better today, 5 months pregnant, still 50lbs over where I was at my lowest, than I have in years. Last summer was hugely transformative for me. It started with a book that fate brought me, it resonated, and I ran with it.
I pride myself in the fact that I may have stumbled, taken steps backwards, and made mistakes over the last decade, but I have never stopped. I have never stopped moving forward and searching for what would work for me which has changed a lot over the years. At times it's been only strength-training sometimes split with cardio, other times it's been walking and yoga a couple times a week - and that had to be enough. Back in the day I had the finances, availability, and proximity to meet with my BFF 4 days a week for bitching and cardio or pay a personal trainer at my favorite gym for 2 hours a week. Things have changed, and I've had to learn to change with it. Now I work-out out of my house in a pretty legit gym built from marketplace deals and hard labor. I have a 5 year old, a wife, a business, and a full-time job. I train at home with oversight from an amazing trainer that I've known for years who programs for me remotely and allows himself available for support and questions at a fraction of what I'd pay him to see me once a week. This works for me.
I truly believe everything in our life is multifaceted and for change to be successful, we must treat it as such. Physical fitness isn't the only important piece. I also work with a gal who helps me address the emotional piece related to over-eating and impulsive eating and have a spouse who supports me 100% even while pregnant and squatting over 200lbs because she knows how important this is to me. I have people in my life I can be honest with about the struggles and addictions related to food and my desire to use them as a means of escape. Somehow that transparency makes it easier to forgive myself and move forward, it lessens the energetic weight of my perceived failures and gives me the confidence to start over in any given moment. I prep-cooked some meals for the first time about 3 years ago by myself and it was barely anything to brag about! I made 3 things, one which was a salad. It took me at-least 5 hours and maybe lasted me week! Two weeks ago, my wife and I spent 9 hours in the kitchen, made 12 different dishes and have food packed away for at-least a couple months.
It's about practice. It's about starting somewhere and continued movement, however slow or small it may feel. It's about being aware enough to notice when fate brings people and situations in your life to help and support you. It's about forgiving yourself and loving yourself wherever you are right now but still wanting to move forward. As they say in alcoholics anonymous, it's about progress not perfection.
With Grace & Gratitude...
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