No Going Back

I create a new life with new rules that totally support me. - Louise L. Hay


Food is hard to quit. Yesterday I wanted ice cream, and I wanted it bad. I asked myself what I really wanted. I stepped back and looked at my life. "Eat whatever you want when your hungry, feel whatever you're feeling when you aren't." I wasn't hungry. But I was being impatient. I was feeling impatient with finding a house, selling this one, getting full-time status, losing weight, and having a baby. I was feeling impatient more than anything, not hungry. I've been spending time listening to my body lately, asking what it needs and giving it that. Honestly, I've been feeling things like yoga, rest, fresh air. I've heard patience, stillness, and quietness. My body needs me right now to be honest, open, and surrender. Nurturing more than ever, not so much pushing or beating. There is still about 10% of anger left there from my relationship with Angie, I'm working to release it. Bitterness and blame to be more specific. I've decided to be free. The nurse at the fertility center called to tell me yesterday I was bordering on hypothyroidism, and said she'd call me in a pill for it to reduce my risk of miscarriage. I looked up the metaphysical source of hypothyroidism in Louise L. Hay's "heal your body" book to find out hypothyroidism has to do with feeling "hopelessly stifled."  Now that resonated with me. I've spent a decent amount of time in feelings of hopelessness and stifled-ness the last 5 years, reminding me I still held onto some bitterness.

Years before I ever lost a pound when I began what I often refer to as my weight-loss journey, I was told by an intuitive woman whom I trusted that I would lose a lot of weight one day. It would seem to fall of my body, and never come back. I thought that was a find idea but really didn't think too much about it and took that as a means of doing whatever I wanted because one day the weight would just fall right off! Ridiculous, I know. At my heaviest I weight 319 pounds, at my lightest I weighted 214. It took a lot of work, and some weight has come back.

There is always something beyond the weight. It's never about the weight, actually. The weight-loss is truly a by-product of a spiritual surrender. Letting-go, moving with life and not fighting against it. It's emotional, it's mental. The what's and why's of each piece of food I put in my mouth almost always has a deeper meaning. Geneen Roth says everything we feel about God and life can be found on our plate. You know what's typically on my plate? Easy, fast, of decent quality, lots of variety, and with little effort on my part. That explains a lot of why I was so impatient the other day with the house stuff.

This coupled with my recent focus of releasing judgmental thoughts, continuous angry thoughts, and overall bitchiness has me feeling like I'm moving in the direction I need to go. My past mistakes must remain in the past. Something else I read recently that shifted something inside of me was that you truly can never go back in life. I just doesn't work like that, even the little things. Going back to your favorite dinner 10 years later will not be the same as it was then. Life evolves and everything changes. Sometimes so slowly, it's hard to notice it while it's happening, but it's happening. We can truly never go back, to anything, to any stage of life. We must always be present where we are and move with the changes occurring right now.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Life Happens Fast

Life happens fast.

I sit here reflecting on the time I've spent here in this home as I stare at the for sale sign in the front yard. It's bittersweet, to say the least. Life happens fast. People say that, but it often doesn't feel like it when your waiting to hear good news, test results or awaiting a new opportunity - school, a pregnancy, whatever it is your "waiting on." Time seems to slow down, but it doesn't really. I suddenly feel this place vanishing from my life, falling through my fingertips as if it suddenly turned to sand. The ceilings are finally painted white, the wicker furniture I've wanted since I bought this place finally fills the porch, all the light switch plates match, there is Mediterranean bronze sprinkled throughout via light fixtures, faucets, and handles. It's been three years. Moving has always happened fast for me. Leaving my Uncle's house, I packed what I could into my 2009 Nitro and headed to a one bedroom apartment with another person over a hundred miles away. Before that, I left my Mother's house, swiftly, with boxes that had been stacked and filled before she ever kicked me out. Neither time, did I grasp the reality of that being the last time I would live in those two places. Two places I called home.

I have loved this place. I picked out every color, painted every wall, scuffed and re-painted every piece of trim. I've buried animals outside my window and created memories with my family.

I'm not sure where we'll end up next. We are still waiting for me to get full-time status so we can get pre-approved for a mortgage in the price range we are searching. We've put in two offers and been denied. It's exciting to know Sabrina and I will pick out our next house together. That every memory will be ours and a new adventure will unfold. The older I get the more I understand about how precious it is to enjoy and be present in each phase of life.

With Grace & Gratitude...

If Ever I've Made a Mistake, It Was This

My clothes fit tighter than I'd like and two days ago I found myself sobbing to my wife over stir-fry about how "disgusting" I felt standing in front of a mirror. I am tired of weighing 275 lbs. But more than that, I'm tired of being so damn angry so often. I'm tired of being short-tempered and overbearingly opinionated. I'm tired of metaphorically throwing my weight around to get what I want and being afraid of not being in control. I'm tired of being impatient and silently judgmental. I want so much to be free.

I'm not sure when it began. I don't remember all these things being so evident the last time I weighed 275 lbs. As far as I can remember, I remember being angry. A decades worth of self-help books, talk therapy, hypnotherapy, strength-training, yoga, meditation, etc - and anger was what I always came back to. Angry at this person or that person, myself, God, WHOMEVER. A fire of anger always felt like it burned no matter what I did. Like a gas pilot-light, small but present, potentially dangerous if blew out. Who would I be without the anger? Without that fire? Is there another fire? Can the gases be exchanged? It used to be rage, I have come a long way and dimmed it down to anger; it's an offspring I can examine with a little more curiosity and less fear. Had I healed the anger prior to 2012 and fueled another after that time? Maybe. I've never been one to believe in mistakes. Instead, I always seem to find good among the suffering, but after some deep reflection I came to the conclusion a few days ago that I think my moving to Saint Johns in 2012 was a mistake. Maybe the only mistake I feel I've ever made. One that cost me years worth of progress, self-love, and relationships. She was a mistake. My staying was a mistake. The only one good thing I came up with was meeting Sabrina. Some could argue that if I hadn't moved here, I wouldn't have met my the love of my life. I have thought that myself. However, in my gut, I feel I would have met her without moving to Saint Johns, our paths would have crossed somewhere. Our journey always felt destined, as if we were always suppose to be.

It seems no sooner that we feel we've mastered a skill, the Universe always presents a final challenge - a test of our new found acquired skill and resources. I think Angie was a test, and I failed. I know I ran to her as a means of escaping the pain of losing someone else, and the memories that surrounded me there. She always knew that, as did I. One of us should have stopped it. But it took me 3 1/2 years, something like 16 break-ups, countless fights, secret emails and phone calls to ex's, and an all-out affair for me to utter the words "I choose her." It took way to long for us to end that relationship. and apparently, I'm still bitter about the things I lost - pieces of myself, relationships, my community, my connection to God. It's all coming back now, and I'm ready to be done being angry. It's just kind of there and unproductive. I am ready to for joy and gratitude to fill those angry spaces.

I'm getting ready to leave this town (presumably). Today, my wife and I listed the house Angie and I bought together but the home her and I built. Today, we listed the house we came home to as newlyweds; put up-for-sale the walls that saw me fall in love with the most perfect little girl in her cadillac pink bedroom, and made public the yard that will forever hold two of the animals I have loved most in my lifetime (among a couple others.) Our sign will go up Sunday. Parades of people will walk through through these rooms with new aspirations and new dreams. They will step across bare hardwood floors that will never tell the story of how much I loved and fought for them to show their bones. I am ready.

Weight & Contentment

"A healthy weight is about contentment."

This phrase has rolled in and out of my awareness at least a half dozen times over the last three days. I have been peeling back layers of self-pity, blame, judgement, anger, resentments, shame, embarrassment, and a couple others alluding my fingers at this moment. Yes, all of those things, each and every one, have acquired some of my attention over the last several months. Mostly, as it relates to discovering why I carry somewhere between 50-80 extra pounds on my body. Pounds that a representative of something deeper.

I've allowed myself to relax a lot around food. That sounds silly, but I had myself so worked-up and upset about weight gain, attempts at figuring it all out, and fear that I was projecting these onto others and feeling as if a large rock was sitting in my stomach every time I'd sit at the dinner table. I knew this wasn't healthy. All this in conjunction with not necessarily listening to my body as much as I was pushing it in the gym to go harder, farther, faster. Not allowing it the recovery it needed.

A healthy weight IS about contentment. Contentment with being where you are, what you're doing, and who you're with. It's being present and not desiring an escape. Contentment is in the mind. It takes practice and mindfulness. We can suddenly obtain everything we've ever wanted and still not feel content if we've not cultivated our minds in such a way that we find ourselves present in each moment.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Perspective

"Remember, it's a bad day, not a bad life."

It's been one of those days. When every plan seems to fall through and every turn results in a halt. I just came in from spreading mulch in the name of working through my irritation. Thank God I did yoga today, I might not have made it this far without eating my feelings or projecting my anger. My Jeep brakes locked up 40 miles from home, my oil ran dry in my other car because some fucking meth-head at the body shop didn't attach the piece he replaced on Friday correctly, BEFORE I drove almost 400 miles big circle style through the east side of the state. When I finally gave into to "fuck it" and self-pity the universe taunted me one last time by having Sabrina open the Jeep door and breaking my cup of coffee which happen to be the one thing keeping me together; shattered. At least I laughed that time, but that was it. The quintessential icing on the cake.

As my wife wrapped her arms around me while I allowed myself to dramatically whine about how over the day I was she placed both hands on my face and said, "Remember it's a bad day, not a bad life." And she was right. Suddenly, it was all put in perspective. Everyday can't be a good day and in the grand scheme of life, this one day is comically small in what I have handled, will handle, and posses the ability to handle in the future. Some days, it's okay to curl up with a good book and find contentment in being still. (Which is what I initially wanted to do, but felt the obligation to be productive on a sunny day.)

I am grateful for her. And in that moment, I began to think of a slew of other things I am grateful for in this blessed life temporarily bogged down by a bad day... my home, my little family, the potential that my marriage, family, and job hold, good friends that have somehow managed to meet me in the middle across all these miles and years, where I"m from and where I am now - all these things created gratitude in my heart and solace within my irritated and anxious mind.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Here I am

"Take responsibility for your life."

That statement takes me back to a conversation with my hypnotherapist who told me that, we are all responsible for everything that happens to us. On some level, we played a part in creating this event, relationship, circumstance, etc. He said the sooner we accepted that, the sooner we could feel freedom and feel in control of our life. It's a big pill to swallow, accepting that we are responsible for EVERYTHING that happens to us. However,for me, it resonated and offered a distinct sense of clarity. This was about 7 years ago.

You know what I focus on now? Being a good parent; creating a healthier relationship with food; being a good wife; and getting full-time status at the hospital so we can get a new house. My blogs were once filled with self-pity. I realize now that alone was a writing block. I'm pretty sure that's why I haven't written anything like me in a while.

Walking alongside Adelynne today while she road her bike, I saw a house and felt my stomach flip, there was a familiarity about it, a recognizable future connection. I felt the house I was staring at was similar to the one we would buy. It's funny because I had been saying things like, "I haven't gotten any intuitive pictures of what our next house will look like." Funny enough, it's my least favorite style! However, three years ago I swore I hated closed in porches and wouldn't want one on my house, well, guess what I have and love it. Pulling cards last night, New Career popped up along with Summer, and Whom Do You Need to Forgive? Healed, healing, healer also and a few others that are not jumping out at me at this moment. I felt a sense of re-connection to my intuition and self in those moments. It felt liberating. 

My left knee is hurting like it never has before. Right now my stomach hurts. As I work through my control issues and learn to let go and not be in control all the time, I find myself in physical pain where, according to Louise L. Hay, "represents pride and ego." It's fitting, I promise. And mother F it hurts. I yoga'd. I did cardio twice last week and have my days etched in my planner for next. I also have every intention of calling the medical center in town and seeking out an x-ray and diagnosis. Being an ER nurse now, I cannot in good conscience take my happy ass to the ER down the street for knee pain. 

There is much to be learned here in this space of acceptance and humility. There's a familiar stillness that speaks words of encouragement and truth of which I have long denied. As always, I seek freedom, only this time from my tendencies to attempt to control everything and everyone around me to maintain an environment I can feel okay in. Having a child in your life watching your every move, and creating their own sense of self directly based on who you are and how you interact with them - is a big deal. She's so much like me, it's hilarious. She loves me so much, it's precious. Yet, I am afraid of messing up. I am afraid of being too much like my Father. Afraid of being controlling & domineering instead of helpful. 

We hope to grow our family. This week, I will be contacting the fertility center and see about getting in rotation for getting inseminated. Doubling our chances, with whoever can get pregnant the quickest, awesome! Initially, I was concerned about the weight gain, but, although I haven't lost any weight since last fall, mentally, I'm in a little bit better of a place. I want a bigger family, more than I want to be afraid of gaining more weight. 

So, that's where I'm at in this season of my life - learning selflessness, growing a family, forgiving myself, letting-go, and finding myself, yet again. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

Food Addiction & Five Years

I read an article last night that basically said, "OK, you gained weight, so what." At-least, that is how I interpreted it.

It has taken me years, literally, but there is a a decent amount of acceptance regarding the weight I have gained. I won't say "gained back" for two reasons, doing so implies I had lost it accidentally and always yearned for its return and, two, because it is not the same weight I carried before. I lost what I lost through self-love, through healing, through changing the relationship I had with food and my emotional states. I released unprocessed emotions from years prior. I did this through yoga, through exercise, through writing. This go around, I've realized I tend to eat when I'm doing something I don't necessarily want to do - I eat in certain circumstances as a means of escape, of rebellion, and to add joy to a perceived unbearable situation - I often yearn to find the pleasurable among the uncomfortable. This explains a lot of why I gained so much weight after moving from Roseville in 2012.

It has been 8 years since I began my weight-loss journey, and four since I have struggled. Four of those years, I watched weight slowly began to stick to my body, I found myself increasingly sad and distant. I lost myself during that time. I lost the connection to my body, myself, and those I loved. I was angry. I didn't want to be where I was in my life; I truly don't know why I chose to stay. But I'm here now, and the life I currently live nourishes my heart and soul, it energizes and inspires me. It brings about so much joy. I'm flying again, and the sky is the limit. I find myself grateful to the point of tears, remembering asking God for all these things. And here they are. This life pushes me to be better. I am incredibly happy with the life I live now and this person re-emerging from the ashes of inadvertent self-destruction. I can find meaning in the potentiality that I wouldn't be here had I not gone there.

I ate my feelings. I ate my fears. I ate my frustration and my un-met needs for love and affection. I ate away loneliness, hopelessness, guilt, and anger all at myself for the actions I carried out and those I didn't. I was so angry, for so long. I had to accept responsibility for my own actions, and apologize to those I had hurt. I had to accept my current state, which is a few more pounds than were I was 5 years ago and has been a little harder to lose. There were things I knew deep down I could no longer ignore, things that my heart had been whispering for some time. My self-pity and pride got me here. If anything, my last trek before arriving here brought about some over-due humility. Somehow I forgot it's graceful power in catalyzing change, a necessary component in staying grounded. It is becoming easier to deny self-pity and pride the power to hold back my progress, although, I can still feel the heat from the embers of a dying ego from time to time. Everyday is a new day. It's baby steps at this point, again. Although, I never completely stopped working-out my mind-set shifted into a space of mental quick sand, I hit the gym for the wrong reasons - out of fear, out of spite, out of shear survival mode, out of escape - and only got myself deeper into the struggle. I'm going to yoga tonight. Karma yoga. If everything is symbolic, maybe this will move some of this stagnant energy out and pay my karmic dues. I am grateful to say, I am not angry anymore, Progress feels slow right now, but it's moving. It's different. I've spent the last 4 years wanting to lose weight out of fear of gaining it back. Today, I just don't want to eat more food than what my body needs or for the wrong reasons. Finally, it is, again, what it's always been about - changing my relationship with food, along with letting go of my judgments of other peoples food choices and living a life that brings me joy. It's also about humility, authenticity, and forgiveness. Food was my first drug, I pray God grants me the same freedom from this addiction as He has so many others; one day at a time...

With Grace & Gratitude....