No Going Back

I create a new life with new rules that totally support me. - Louise L. Hay


Food is hard to quit. Yesterday I wanted ice cream, and I wanted it bad. I asked myself what I really wanted. I stepped back and looked at my life. "Eat whatever you want when your hungry, feel whatever you're feeling when you aren't." I wasn't hungry. But I was being impatient. I was feeling impatient with finding a house, selling this one, getting full-time status, losing weight, and having a baby. I was feeling impatient more than anything, not hungry. I've been spending time listening to my body lately, asking what it needs and giving it that. Honestly, I've been feeling things like yoga, rest, fresh air. I've heard patience, stillness, and quietness. My body needs me right now to be honest, open, and surrender. Nurturing more than ever, not so much pushing or beating. There is still about 10% of anger left there from my relationship with Angie, I'm working to release it. Bitterness and blame to be more specific. I've decided to be free. The nurse at the fertility center called to tell me yesterday I was bordering on hypothyroidism, and said she'd call me in a pill for it to reduce my risk of miscarriage. I looked up the metaphysical source of hypothyroidism in Louise L. Hay's "heal your body" book to find out hypothyroidism has to do with feeling "hopelessly stifled."  Now that resonated with me. I've spent a decent amount of time in feelings of hopelessness and stifled-ness the last 5 years, reminding me I still held onto some bitterness.

Years before I ever lost a pound when I began what I often refer to as my weight-loss journey, I was told by an intuitive woman whom I trusted that I would lose a lot of weight one day. It would seem to fall of my body, and never come back. I thought that was a find idea but really didn't think too much about it and took that as a means of doing whatever I wanted because one day the weight would just fall right off! Ridiculous, I know. At my heaviest I weight 319 pounds, at my lightest I weighted 214. It took a lot of work, and some weight has come back.

There is always something beyond the weight. It's never about the weight, actually. The weight-loss is truly a by-product of a spiritual surrender. Letting-go, moving with life and not fighting against it. It's emotional, it's mental. The what's and why's of each piece of food I put in my mouth almost always has a deeper meaning. Geneen Roth says everything we feel about God and life can be found on our plate. You know what's typically on my plate? Easy, fast, of decent quality, lots of variety, and with little effort on my part. That explains a lot of why I was so impatient the other day with the house stuff.

This coupled with my recent focus of releasing judgmental thoughts, continuous angry thoughts, and overall bitchiness has me feeling like I'm moving in the direction I need to go. My past mistakes must remain in the past. Something else I read recently that shifted something inside of me was that you truly can never go back in life. I just doesn't work like that, even the little things. Going back to your favorite dinner 10 years later will not be the same as it was then. Life evolves and everything changes. Sometimes so slowly, it's hard to notice it while it's happening, but it's happening. We can truly never go back, to anything, to any stage of life. We must always be present where we are and move with the changes occurring right now.

With Grace & Gratitude...