No.

"Sometimes you just have to tell yourself no."'

Sometimes we just do. I wanted Tim Horton's yesterday for lunch, which I knew at least a couple things about allowing myself to go there a) the sandwich I wanted was about 700 calories, b) my body doesn't tolerate coffee well these days, c) I already had plans to overeat today, and was going to do so joyfully, because pizza hut is amazing and I refuse to deprive myself of any of the things that I truly enjoy, these instances I practice moderation....  SO, knowing these things I decided that you know what, sometimes we just need to tell ourselves no, lovingly like we would tell our child who wants to eat too much candy before bed, or our best friend who wants to make that compulsive phone call to their ex. I personally don't like to hear the word no. I don't like to be told no, I remembered that yesterday. I quit my job 3 years ago because the scheduler told me I couldn't switch floors, and said "NO" with an attitude, so not only did I not want to hear it, I didn't want to hear it from her, cause who the fuck was she anyways??? So it was either setting my keys down on the counter walking out or jumping over it and punching her in the face. THAT'S how much I've hated to be told no. But yesterday, a grace came with the word. A loving, supportive, encouraging, no. And I asked myself what was a better choice I could make? I ended up eating less than 500 calories for lunch sandwich, chips, and drink included. Thank God for that. We can make a choice every day, to be our own worse enemy or our best friend. It's about conscious choices. Of asking ourselves, is this worth it, taking a deep breathe then re-asking ourselves because sometimes we can spit out a quick, not-so-true yes as our hands are in route to our mouths with chocolate or burgers or whatever in tow, followed by guilt and a vicious cycle.

I look back on where I was in July of 2009 and all of the people God put in my path to help me get to where I am now. They were all exactly what I needed when I was working with them....from trainers, to hypnotherapists, to yoga teachers, different gyms, workout buddies, energy healers. To Jonathan Stevens, Jack Dugger, Billie Tobin, Pat Hill & all the yogi's at Bodhi Seed Yoga, Chris Burkeybyle and the station, Andrea and anytime fitness, B Murphy!, and everyone else who played a part in my journey, THANK YOU.... maybe the biggest lesson of 2012 was learning to tell myself  no, yes, good job, go to the gym, don't quit, sure you want to eat that? etc because sometimes I need to hear it, and none of you are here to say it...

"To know when to bend and when to leap- when to bow out and when to hurl our passions like buckets of pain across a stage..." - b

Creating Support

So, I've been trying to write this blog for the last 2-3 days, not so sure what the issues is. It's been one of those those things that come with a gnawing reminder which only intensifies the longer you DON'T do it. At this point I'm getting a little irritated I haven't written this yet, maybe that's a good thing, getting irritated shaves off the fluff I can sometimes add to my blogs. Maybe that's why it's now that I'm finally sitting down to write this.

So, here's the thing... just under a year ago, I felt guided to begin a weight loss support group (I think I described  it something a little more fancy, with a lot more words, but that's what it was none the less). I based it off a similar idea I had with 12 Steps & Beyond. Both groups being focused on healing the core issues of why we suffer from addictive behaviors, and in healing those being able live a life of freedom and not limitation & fear. I had spent a couple years in the 12 step programs of AA and when it had served its purpose I was done, I needed something more that was offered there, and if I needed it so did others. I didn't know where to find it, so I created it... and there was 12 steps & beyond which ran for over and year and did beautifully, only ended because then center was closing.

The issue has been this... never have I had more than one person come to any class/workshop/support group yet, something won't let me give up on this. It's like I'm waiting for something to shift. I'm waiting for me to understand something and posses a different kind of outlook or energy or experience  or something. Maybe now I'm not so unsure of myself, so afraid, and I'm not listening to other people (although I love & respect them) in how I should promote, how often I should host, how much I should charge or what it should be called. Maybe there's a component of I needed to realize that I need this too. Before I went into it with the attitude of I was going to teach something, I had the experience, medical background, intuitive gifts, and looked at weight loss from an angle many don't even consider. I wanted to make this group so I could help other people, and share with them things that could hopefully help them feel the freedom I felt. As noble as all that sounds, it is a little cocky. A little ego based. My intentions were good, but my ego was big. I needed time to learn that I need this group, as much as anybody else needs it. I needed people to make this group possible. We all have varying degrees of experience, medical background, intuitive gifts, and can't all possible look at weight loss the same way.

So, here we go. That steady, quiet voice is still there encouraging me to try this again. Without my autobiography attached to the group page, without the lengthy description of what it is and could be for you, and  without my fear of what I'm going to teach or do that meeting or doing it wrong. Instead with an openness  to allow the universe to unfold it unto what it's suppose to be, with asking only a love donation, and with me simply being accepting, willing, and present. I have always believed in this group. That it has a place and a purpose. I think now I'm finally in a place of believing in myself enough to carry it out...

With Grace & Gratitude
Dot

Preparation

"Nothing can prepare her for what she's about to see."

It's four in the morning on Christmas. I've been up since 2:30, not sure why, I just know it's peaceful, still, and Angela isn't sleeping either. It's been quite a while since I've felt inspired to write in the middle of the night and given myself the permission to do so.

At any given moment, the universe is trying to tell us something. What, always seems to be the question. With a little reflection, the answer will revel itself. The last several days I've found myself surrounded conversations expierences about the veil, opening and using our God given gifts, clarity on physical aliments, and helping people transition from this life to the next. Just to name the most prevalent  The last 4 weeks have been interesting. Since I've put in my 30 day notice, 3/4 of my patients have died, if not more. People I didn't even expect, then I'd run into there loved ones at Wal-Mart, literally almost run into them. I've over heard things such as "his pain is from a different dimension, we can give him all the drugs he wants, but its not in the physical body, it's just manifesting there" from sources which surprise me, like our medical director. I've been reminded of the things I can do outside of the physical plane, like holding thoughts of peace and love and healing and sending that to people affected by tragedy. To allow myself to be a vessel of peace and prayer, doing energy work. As opposed to, getting angry and focusing on whats wrong with the world, and having the courage to express that to others. For the first time since I can remember, when I saw a breaking news  story of 20 children gunned down, I felt it. I grieved for them, and their families. I didn't turn the channel or avoid the conversations; I didn't pretend like it didn't happen because I felt too helpless to do anything. I've noticed repetitive thoughts such as my birth name; how I have denied and hid, and joked about how maybe when I'm 90 I'll let people call me Dorothy. But tonight I laid in bed and thought about how much more comfortable I feel going by it these days, I would even say at work it's a preference. I prefer it, why? Why all of a sudden do I prefer going by the name I have refused to use for years? Maybe it's because it has a stronger energy to it, or because it's easier for customer service to look me up in the computer, or maybe it's because I'm finally ready to be the woman I was born to be.

"Nothing can prepare her for what she's about to see." I heard that this morning, when I woke up at 2:30am and pulled the curtain back to see the moon lighting up the snow covered ground. As if, on a soul level, my higher self was preparing me, but was limited in what it could show me without me being in it. And with that, a knowing-ness that very soon that limit would no longer be there.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Inner Explorations

"Be impeccable with your word."

That phrase has rolled around in my head for almost a week. The first two days it was quite strong. Be impeccable with your word. That is one of the four agreements, which I read almost 4 years ago. I pay attention to repetitive things, with intentions of becoming more conscious and hopes of learning lessons before they become so loud and obvious they are causing chaos in my life trying to get my attention. On the most superficial, most obvious level, I have a hard time keeping my word, and often avoid making plans because I know the likely hood of me sticking to them are slim. Me saying I will do something, or go somewhere doesn't mean shit to a lot of people because they have known me long enough to know that it's more surprising when I actually do follow through on things. Granted this is something I've been working on for a while and I have made some progress, but I know there is still work to do. And when that small, still voice whispers the same line over and over again, I tend to take some extra time out and check in with myself, and that voice. I find it absolutely fascinating to watch how the universe tries to get our attention, and what we can find out with a little bit of willingness to see.

When I am not impeccable with my word a spiral begins, the most immediate is feelings of guilt, shame, and anger. And who handles those well?? Which cause me to avoid people and try to ignore those feelings. This is where forgiveness should play a part, but it's much harder to forgive yourself or ask for forgiveness when you know, it will most likely happen again. Apologizing is worthless without intentions to change. So if forgiveness doesn't happen, we try ignore it, or justify it. Which usually ends me up in the middle of my favorite comfort food, which always makes me ask, "Why are you really eating this Dot?"  I've also been doing a lot of coughing and throat clearing the last week or so, which tells me something is clearing out of my throat chakra, something with voice and or communication. Then after yoga the other day a friend told me how she had been having throat issues and said she was okay with it because things were clearing for her as well in the area of "self expression." AH. Things are really starting to come together at this point. I feel like I"m rambling, and this isn't where I thought this was going here at 7am on a Friday morning, fuck. Simply a desire to express myself, I suppose, writing has always offered me greater insight, and I offer it to others in hopes of allowing them the same.Today it does feel a little choppy though and all over the place, but apparently that's where I'm at with this whole voicing, expressing, saying things I mean, and holding to what I say. Opening ourselves to others and saying here's where I'm at and what I'm struggling with, allows them to open as well. It brings us together in a way of gentleness and compassion.... back to my original thought, that brought us all here... on a deeper, less superficial level, being impeccable with my word just doesn't effect my relationship with other people, it effects my relationship with myself. It causes a discord between my conscious mind and my higher self, it creates obstacles in achieving my goals and a mistrust within myself. The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship we will ever have, because that relationship is with God. We are God, together we make the God consciousness. Loving each other, and loving every part of ourselves is how we will create and transcend these times of turmoil both in our inner and outer worlds. Because God is Love, and Love is what heals. And here we are, as always, back at the source.

With Grace and Gratitude...

Determination and the Search

Anyone who knows me, knows that once I know something or someone has served it's purpose, I walk away. I'm done. I will leave in search of what will best serve me on the next phase of my journey. I'm often a little scared, non-supported by those around me out of their own fear of what I may do or what may happen. Moving to Michigan, leaving AA, and uprooting myself and moving to Lansing for a relationships I'd only been in for 5 weeks are just a few examples. I'm known for making big changes, taking big risks, overcoming obstacles, and being determined. I'm stubborn, and when I'm faced with giving up because something isn't currently working, my stubbornness comes in handy. I'm searching right now, for what works for me. What will help propel me on the final stretches of my weight loss journey. One of the biggest, most simplest things I took from AA was "Be willing to do whatever it takes." I love that saying. Sometimes, it takes a fight, sometimes it takes a surrender. Sometimes it takes someone to break down your fucking ego, or build your trust in yourself. First it takes some stillness, some quietness, a whole lot of prayer, and a little bit of grace. To hear yourself, to hear God. Not your fear, not your old mindset, not everything and everyone you ever knew to be right, good, and true most times. Sometimes, things change. A shift happens, and we find ourselves in the middle of something not working that always did. We find a new struggle, within our comfort zone. We find a give and take, a re-arranging of our lives. We find ourselves searching, just as we had so many times before, for what works for us now. For the person we are now. Not the person we were last winter, the person we were 3 years ago, or the person we know in high school. We seek to find the limits, support, and drive of who we are at this very moment. I stood in the shower today and asked myself if my days of weight lifting were over. If lifting really heavy shit had served its purpose. It might have. In my moments of sacred stillness I'm drawn to cardio, Vinyasa and Ashtanga yoga, and self-training. A knowing and an execution in progress. A smidge reluctance as it goes against so many things I have beheld as truth for sometime, but that's okay. I've been here before. I'm too stubborn to quit, and it's all too familiar to be afraid. But change? That I can do... That I am doing. With a little grace, I am finding what works for me... and that's what determination is. Knowing there is always a way. An understanding that eventually, you will find it as long as you keep looking, keep asking, and keep moving.

What Now? I'll tell you what now...

Usually, I start with a quote, followed by an explanation of where it came from, who said it, and what it made me feel. Some witty comment, some something that made me think. Something that sparked the creative reflectiveness that has grown to be my most useful and productive means of personal growth. At thist moment however, I don't have one, but my desire to write is overwhelming. I wrote that out in my journal the other day just before my pen died... I said fuck it. So here I am. It has been a while. What is my most pressing issue? I'm struggling. I'm struggling with my eating, my working out, my yoga-ing my everything that got me where I am over the last 3 1/2 years. The things that have been my catalysts of balance, peace, serenity. I get that that things change. That what I was doing, wasn't working for me anymore. I remember walking into the gym in February and telling Burkey that I was no longer working from a wounded place and something needed to change. I struggled then, but clang to it. I clang to the station, to Anytime, to B Murphy, and to Bodhi Seed and hit a standsill, but it wasn't the first time I just needed to keeping going. So what now? What now, when all of those places are almost 2 hours and a half a tank of gas away? What now when I have to consider another person in my eating plan, what now with the added temptation of having things in the house that I don't want to eat, not because I don't like them or don't want them, but becuase I don't want the calories, I don't want the results of that decision. I've been making bad decisions day after day, I've told myself the things I've told others before, the things I told myself in the beginning. And yet, here I am. Struggling. Looking down at my body thinking, fuck. This is were I was last Thanksgiving, I've gained almost 20lbs. I can blame it on the job, I can blame it on the love but It's fairly simply actually. I don't work out like I used too, I don't eat like I used too, and I don't yoga like I used too. I don't do the things I need to do, to get to where I want to be. PERIOD. I've asked myself, where is my drive? Where is my motivation? About a year into my weight loss eating just wasn't an issue anymore, much like smoking wasn't an issue and drinking wasn't an issue. So what now? No that it IS an issue, when I find myself over eating every day. I breathe. I ask myself, what is the issue here? What do I feel and where do I feel it? I wonder if I'm making sense, if this blog is even worth posting. I know that something has got to change. I don't work from a wounded place anymore, and thats great... but I'm not working from anyplace. I'll choose working from wounded than not working at all. God, Self, show me what I need to do now do hit my goal wt I set 3 1/2 years ago, please show me the way. Open my eyes, my mind and bless grant me the courage and faith do follow what it is that you show me... I am again, humbled, mostly willing. There is anger there, anger at myself. Reflecting on past training at the station makes me feel as if I failed someone or something. As if I betrayed myself. I feeling of undeserving, because I stopped wanting to work that hard. There's the issue that brings tears to my eyes, that station was my sanctuary, a feeling of connectedness amongst others who pushed there bodies to what seemed like pure punishment, but did so with a smile. I look at Chris Burkeybyle and feel shame, disappointment. I can feel myself wanting to hang my head. Wanting to redeem myself, but feeling as if I have fallen to far. A desire to run back to what I know works, but an understanding that I'm not that person anymore, it won't work. A need for his approval, hmm there's something to sit with when in all actuality the approval I'm seeking is my own, and my expectations are so high anything less that above average perfection feels like failure. So if I can't find the gray area, I better learn to stay above the black. All roads lead home, all lessons lead to the Self. I've spent the last 3 yrs drawing my drive from the faith others had in me, from there vision of who I was and what I was capable. It's time to draw from mySelf, to not only know that it is within me, but to actually pull, push, and drive from that.

14 hours later, after the computer died preventing me from posting... I found my quote.

Thank you Spirit for answering me plea, I'm ready.

Leaping Into the Unknown

"Go be you."

So, I here I sit, with Bigby's version of a white chocolate peppermint mocha, in a town I had never heard of until about 3 months ago. I asked the universe about 2 hours ago where I needed to go today, and what I needed to do. Looks like I needed to write, because here I am. "Go be you" I've been told that several times over the last couple weeks, in slightly various ways but the jist is the same... be me. Which most often leads one to ask the question, who am I? Well, I didn't even open that can of worms today. I did, however, hear myself say, "I am, and I take chances. I am a women who takes chances."

Up until the last couple years that risk-taking part of me just might, and most likely was, rooted in a fear-based or addict driven place. But not now. I've done the work. My risk-taking is born from a place within me that pulls not pushes. That guides & flows. The most powerful thing I learned from alcoholics anonymous was being willing to do whatever it took. And most often that invloves facing a lot of fear. I encourage change, growth, facing of fears, and digging deep. That's what I do. That's part of who I am. How dare I exclude myself from such endeavours? I don't. As a rule, I don't ask someone to do something I wouldn't. I've let change happen. Within a matter of 2 months I watched my life morph in front of my very eyes. Within 2 months I've fallen in love, resigned from two jobs, bought a truck, moved two hours away in with my girlfriend, left the station, left my yoga studio... The amount of change and shifting has been staggering. But it's as if I didn't do any of it, it just happened. My only job was to LET IT, which involved facing fears. The usual fears of what if I don't find a job? Letting people down, like my Uncle, my boss. I sat on the edge of Angie's couch a few days before I officially moved in an with tears in my eyes I said, "To say I'm not scared would be a lie, I am a little scared, but I want this." Ya know what, I feel like I"m rambling... so let's get to the point.

The point is, fuck yes, change is a little scary. HOWEVER, in my expierence in my own life and watching others has been, that the scarier the change, the more amazing and liberating the results. I spent the entire winter learning patience & trust. I now see why that was so pertient for me to learn at this particular time in my life. I lept. I lept into the unknown with nothing but faith that there was, in fact, something in motion and it was good. Something I may not understand, and the funny thing was... this time, I didn't seek to understand it. For once in my life, I didn't pull a million oracle cards, seek our guidance from some very powerful intuitves, or even simple advice from friends who know me failry well. I watched myself change, I watched my desire for what I had been doing for the past two fade, relationships crumble, things stop working that had worked for a long time.

LEAP. There has been multiple energetic shifts which is effecting all of us, in a similar broad fashion of things clearing out to make room for new, and then intricately different & unique for each of us on a soul level. It is more painful to cling to that which is being pulled away than it is to leap empty handed into the void.