Trying Again

We have to try again.

That's the text message I sent to at-least 5 of our closest friends letting them know that our last IUI didn't take as we had hoped. We have to try again. I had brief thoughts of - I'm too tired to do this again, I don't want to do this again, it's too expensive to do this again. About an hour ago we dropped another $500 plus dollars on meds and $860 dollars on donor sperm. We're ready to do this again. It has been a longer journey than it has felt. 17 months. We cannot succeed if we don't try. I am not angry, and I am not bitter at those who are carrying or birthing babies as we speak. In the beginning, I was anxious of sleepless nights, weight gain, mood swings, post par-tum depression, and a slew of other irrelevant possibilities. Maybe that was part of our block. None of that matters to me anymore. I sit here now, just waiting for that tiny bundle (or bundles) of joy to enter our lives, our family. I can't wait to see Adelynne's face when she holds her baby brother or sister for the first time. I'm okay with whatever this path brings us. As Sabrina and I always say - we will figure it out. We want a big family, full of love and little bit of chaos. I have waxed and waned through the years about whether or not I've wanted kids, mostly fear related. But watching Adelynne grow has been one of my greatest joys. And I want more of that, I want to grow our family and do the absolute best we can to nurture the best human beings we can and leave a positive impact on the world. Changing the world starts at home with loving, nurturing, and being present with our children, and not just our own but the children that come into our lives. There are so many children out there who just need someone to give a shit. I hope to be that person to children who come into my life. We decided about a year ago that fostering was something we wanted to do in our lives. Not if we couldn't get pregnant but after. We might need a bigger house one day, but for now, bunk-beds will work. ;)

With Grace & Gratitude...

Your Un-grounded Triggers and How to Deal With Them

Terms such as "grounded" and "centered" get thrown around in the metaphysical communities so frequently and flippantly, it's easy to forget that some people may not know exactly what it means. It was described to me years ago as our energy floating upwards instead of staying evenly distributed within our bodies and chakra systems from head to sacrum. Anxiety is one of the first signs of being un-grounded - felt as our energy crowding around our stomachs, chest, and face. When we are un-grounded we feel flighty, scattered, un-focused, and, again, anxious. We use words and phrases such as "off-kilter", "scattered", "knocked off my square", "taken by surprise." So, what do we do?

Learning to recognize when our energies have become scattered allows us to intervene with various grounding techniques and help us cope and "bring ourselves back down." However, waiting to address the issue once it has peaked takes significantly more energy than addressing it before it happens. Before we can prophylacticly ground our energy we need to know our triggers - the things that un-ground us. This is done with simple observation or awareness. Reflect back on times you felt most anxious or scattered. Which type of situations jump out to you - a meeting with the boss, sleeping in the house alone, visiting the in-laws? The list of possibilities are infinite and as individual as we are. 

For me, I can easily become scattered and un-grounded while shopping, especially during busy times of the day or year. My prophylactic grounding techniques include carrying a variety of stones, dabbing essential oils on my wrists and ankles, or dropping Bach Flower Essences under my tongue. The first thing I do before leaving is check-in with my energy and know my limits for that day - can I visit four to five stores or do I need get in and get out with just a couple? I will also give myself physical energy by eating a small snack such as a protein bar, earthy vegetables, or handful of nuts. I try to never go into a situation that is likely to scatter my energy without some food in my body; eating is a common way of grounding and mindfulness if often needed to not over-indulge. If I found myself feeling anxious despite my best efforts, I take a deep breath and feel my feet on the ground. I ask the Earth to ground me into it's center and imagine a beautiful gold cord from my root chakra traveling down to the deepest parts of the earth, exhale, and carry on. If no specific moments come to you right now, be aware this next week or so and take note of your surroundings and thoughts the next time you find yourself feeling anything less solid and focused. 

Taking just a moment of mindfulness and giving ourselves what we need can bring us back to center rather quickly. Maybe we need to step outside, or say something we've been holding back. It could be that we need to sit on a bench in the mall beside the water fountain while someone else looks around or excuse ourselves from a conversation. The Earth grounds us, often referred to as Mother Earth, she gives us all our basic needs - food, shelter, oxygen, and water - an endless supply of nurturing and support. She is always happy to connect and nourish us. In return, we could pick up that piece of trash blowing across the parking lot or decline a bag for our items we could carry easily - two simple examples among hundreds we could use to help take care of the source that takes care of us every day. 

Arrival

It's surreal. I have laid my wet face on floors similar to these at various times in my life with emotions ranging from exasperation to liberation. I have walked on them nervous with fear, cocky with confidence, and danced with every space in between. There is no defeat without a decision to quit. It's still empty, but already pulls at me to seek solace in it's walls, as I have for the last decade. Nothing has brought me closer to facing my rawest self like moments spent here. The gym is my sanctuary, my retreat - a doorway to my simplest self.

It all started 9 years ago with one simple question, why was I overweight? The answers that came literally changed my life. This space has been a dream of mine for the last 5 years and to see it manifest is deeply humbling and stirs the greatest sense of gratitude within me. The last two years have been spent gathering the pieces of my life back and reconnecting my sense of self, all while building a life with a woman who truly brings out the best in me. I hope and pray I do the same for her. Being here, in this moment, in this space, I find myself emotional, empowered, & inspired - like so many of those who led me here. This is part of who I am. And I am better for it.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Let Me See Your Bones

I left my new hypnotherapist's office today in sunshine and a light jacket. It was beautiful. I had just given her a synopsis of my life starting with the now, my current desire to heal an unhealthy relationship with food as to not pass it on to my children, and in doing so, hoping to release myself of some underlying negative emotions and anxieties. Maybe it's the other way around, either way, it was were I started. I admitted to being cognizant of the potentiality of unknown things coming from under the 65 extra pounds I started collecting in 2012. Leaning back into the last 5 years I filled her in on my move to Saint Johns, and where I was physically, mentally, and  spiritually just before I embarked on that journey. I felt whole, solid, strong, balanced. I left feeling lost, depleted, & alone. I gave a her a reluctant summary of my relationship before my marriage, doing my best not to give away the teensy bit of bitterness and blame that creeps to the surface from time to time. My father, my Mother, my brother - all sprinkled about. My job, the move, my marriage touched on here and there. Sobriety - the catalyst ignited almost a decade ago, how could we not discus such a poignant part of my story? My arrival and my departure from those tables; we touched on that for a bit. After sobriety came the end of the smoking, then the beginning of the weight loss. Then back to adolescence, again, what about your Father, your Mother, your brother? She jotted down my wife's name, my profession, my kids name. Her pencil continued to pen. A decades worth of tools I had gathered for grounding, clearing, healing, releasing, overcoming - they all seemed to make her list.

I left feeling utterly grateful; I left feeling utterly free. I was grateful to be here, at this point in my life when I could share all of this, and keep moving gracefully forward. Love filled my heart as I thought of the people I had known along this path that has been my amazing & beautiful life. Because those are the moments I choose to define my life - those of overcoming, of grace, of healing. I drove the on-ramp heading west and felt a handful of other emotions wash through me like a bucket of holy water cascading down my insides. Not necessarily because of anything she or I had said, or anything in particular that had happened, but a divinely timed opening. I had been willing. I had been open. At some point over the last 2 years I had managed to release enough of the guilt, anger, and blame to walk a little lighter and a little more receptive.

We have all made mistakes and wondered how we got wherever we go, why we chose what we chose, and why we didn't change it sooner. It's easy to be angry at ourselves and other people, but that anger keeps us stuck. Our lives truly go in the direction our mind goes, our thoughts are constantly creating future experiences.

Today, I felt I had my life back. It was unexpected, but welcomed with open arms.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Humility Busts Back

It has taken me roughly 15 minutes - two bathroom trips, a handful of failed computer log ins on multiple computers, the feeding of two starving cats, and the brewing of one cup of coffee - to get, here.

I've never considered myself a morning person. I'm pretty sure I don't even consider myself a morning person now, but I've become accustomed to playing the part. The allure of alone time - meditation, writing, yoga, cardio - has been pulling me out of bed sometimes an hour before when I absolutely needed to be. Even I can't believe it some mornings.

My life is coming back to me. The me that I fought for and found 6 years ago is resurfacing, and I couldn't be happier. "If I can be an example of getting sober, than I can be an example of starting over." Macklemore said that. And although, he is obviously talking about alcohol sobriety, it works just as well in a multitude of life circumstances.For me, it's food. It's giving myself the things I need to stay clear and grounded; it's loving, listening, and taking care of my body. It's breathing & letting go. It's not picking up the cookie just because it's there, or shoving my face with a whole bag of chips while scrolling through facebook or watching TV. For me, it's about showing up to the gym, being accountable, and giving my best. I've been hovering around 80% effort these last several years when I do show up which has been inconsistent at best.. And I've been yielding those results.

With Grace & Gratitude

A Letter to my Incidental Father

I've heard of your irritable presence making itself known among the family. My brother especially. You still posses the ability to push his buttons and break his heart. But he won't ever tell you that. It's a shame we couldn't find some common, healthy ground - you and I. It's a shame I couldn't feel more than indifference after years of crying. It's a shame my brother wants nothing more than for you to be there, and you don't - for whatever reason. Especially, when you should know that ache, that nauseating vacuum of gutteral pain at feeling forgotten - as I have done to you. In layman's terms,  you should know what it feels like to be rejected and left out of someone's life you love. Yet, you do it... often. There is something deeply wounded within you. For that, I can feel empathy and compassion. But other than that, I feel free. Free from dark dust you stir up after a few beers.

Let me tell you this: You will die alone. I pray to God, that I have healed enough, and transcended a rocky childhood existence enough to bring my own children up in a beautiful and loving way. You do not posses the ability to see any of your own faults. It's a fact. Your tendency to place blame, exert control, and manipulate cost you your children. Your children. Those very relationships you yearned so deeply for, have long sipped through your fingers. It has officially been over half my life since we shared a common bond - half my life. My brother and I have our own families now and you missed that. Why didn't I invite you to my wedding, you ask? You didn't travel one state to my brother's wedding, I surely didn't think you'd travel four for mine. Not to mention, we hadn't spoken a single word in five years. He wanted you there; you could have shown up for him.

For karma's sake, for our soul's sake, I hope you have found forgiveness for yourself, for me, for my brother, and for your own father. I hope peace fills your heart, where ache and emptiness once lived. It truly is a shame we couldn't get it together.

Courage & Force

"Courageously, not forcefully."

Those words have resonated in my psyche for the last few days. Applicable to many things, but for me, right now, in my life, it seems to be pertaining to us having our next child. We started this process last fall knowing it would be a process for us and wanted to be ready when we were ready. This month (if all goes as planned) will be my second insemination.

Courage suggests a grace, a surrendering. An openness to divine interjection. Courage offers true strength in the face of possible failure. Courage is quiet, receptive, strong. It is more in align with God's will for me instead of my own. There is an accepting quality about courage as it insinuates perseverance. I choose to be more courageous; I have been forceful for far too long.

Force has a jaggedness to it and creates an instinctual push back from the goal. The energy around it is so compact, grace and divinity have no room to create or bring opportunities for success. Anger lingers under forceful, a ready alternative to acceptance if failure comes. Constricting and overbearing, forcefulness springs from the ego.

Many times, I have thought force was courageous, pushing hard against things unknown screaming a refusal to give up, or give in. Just as many times, I have found myself still and quiet afterwords contemplating those actions, and either just shy of my goal or feeling as if my obtained goal wasn't enough. Never enough, that is the mantra of the ego.

With mindfully choosing courage I feel lighter, stronger, and more attuned to the guidance the Universe has to offer.

With Grace & Gratitude...