People are Precious

I read a quote today that basically said, don't be upset about where you are at any given moment, every season of your life has reason; what is that reason?

The question at the end might have been my own. It's easy for me to bust up my life into small seasons and move through them methodically - when I moved to Michigan, when I got sober, when we moved in together, the summer before we got married, when I started at Mclaren, when we bought the house. Tiny little chunks of my life categorized and navigated. I read that quote today and thought about the things I wanted in my life right now - be healthier, get pregnant, have more confidence in my abilities to do the things I love, relax a little, let things go. I have suddenly felt aged the last few years. Being in my thirties has probably been the best years of my life so far - the healthiest, the happiest, the most stable & secure. And I'm content. I have my moments; anxiety likes to make itself known at times. It's easy for me to reference when I was thinner, before I moved to Lansing, when I was with so and so. But what about right now? The relationships I have now won't be there forever. These moments I share with people in my life I care about, won't always be here. What really matters? What doesn't? I have a hard time allowing relationships to change. I often find myself nostalgic, sad, and fearful - did I do something? Could I have been a better friend? Why didn't I enjoy those moments a little more? - the thoughts that run through my mind when I think of old friends, old co-workers, old trainers. People are precious but keeping up with them all can be exhausting, fighting the natural laws of change is really what's exhausting. There's a reason relationships evolve and change. But I don't have to feel like it's my fault or shouldn't happen. Who am I to say what should or shouldn't happen? There's always a bigger plan.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Going at it Alone - Being My Own Trainer

There comes a time when the road your traveling must be traveled alone. I have known for some time that I posses the knowledge base and motivation to create and carry out my own fitness program. Yet, I have let fear and insecurity hold me back. All the what if's and maybe later's have stalled my progress, squelched my personal power, and aided me in standing stagnant in confusion and self-pity. Over the last nine years, I've paid thousands of dollars in gym fees and siphoned through 7 trainers. It took every bit of five years to let it all go and trust myself. To my left is our home gym complete with black rubber tile floors, my two favorite cardio machines, two barbells, 350lbs of plates, a squat rack, and a handful of ancillary equipment - dumbells, wallballs, kettlebells. It's surreal. The gym became part of who I was years ago when sobriety, self-awareness, and good health became a priority. I found myself on those black tile floors, panting, face down with sweat collecting before my very eyes reflecting back to me the hard work of the process. I just finished a workout I put together a few days ago. Logged and counted, I am here reflecting. It's fucking hard, but necessary - for me anyways. I have relied for a very long time on the motivation, inspiration, and creativity of others to give me specified results. This has not worked for me for at-least 3 years. It was not for lack of effort, ability, or support from those I asked to help me. I had to do something different. The voice of my soul has urged for sometime for me to reach deep within myself and find all those things I sought - motivation, inspiration, creativity. What worked before, didn't work again. Learning to let something go when it no longer fits or works has been the lesson here. A long, constant series of aggravating but not terribly painful road blocks. Surrender, not surprisingly, has become my last but only real option. I knew it was coming, but I fought, as I usually do and sought out new trainers, new programs, bitched and whined, felt sorry for myself, and refused to accept what I knew was the next step. Here. Relying on myself, but open to community. Both are one day at time successions, one stronger than the other at the moment. The process. It's always a process, and always about today with visions of tomorrow, no further.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Trying Again

We have to try again.

That's the text message I sent to at-least 5 of our closest friends letting them know that our last IUI didn't take as we had hoped. We have to try again. I had brief thoughts of - I'm too tired to do this again, I don't want to do this again, it's too expensive to do this again. About an hour ago we dropped another $500 plus dollars on meds and $860 dollars on donor sperm. We're ready to do this again. It has been a longer journey than it has felt. 17 months. We cannot succeed if we don't try. I am not angry, and I am not bitter at those who are carrying or birthing babies as we speak. In the beginning, I was anxious of sleepless nights, weight gain, mood swings, post par-tum depression, and a slew of other irrelevant possibilities. Maybe that was part of our block. None of that matters to me anymore. I sit here now, just waiting for that tiny bundle (or bundles) of joy to enter our lives, our family. I can't wait to see Adelynne's face when she holds her baby brother or sister for the first time. I'm okay with whatever this path brings us. As Sabrina and I always say - we will figure it out. We want a big family, full of love and little bit of chaos. I have waxed and waned through the years about whether or not I've wanted kids, mostly fear related. But watching Adelynne grow has been one of my greatest joys. And I want more of that, I want to grow our family and do the absolute best we can to nurture the best human beings we can and leave a positive impact on the world. Changing the world starts at home with loving, nurturing, and being present with our children, and not just our own but the children that come into our lives. There are so many children out there who just need someone to give a shit. I hope to be that person to children who come into my life. We decided about a year ago that fostering was something we wanted to do in our lives. Not if we couldn't get pregnant but after. We might need a bigger house one day, but for now, bunk-beds will work. ;)

With Grace & Gratitude...

Your Un-grounded Triggers and How to Deal With Them

Terms such as "grounded" and "centered" get thrown around in the metaphysical communities so frequently and flippantly, it's easy to forget that some people may not know exactly what it means. It was described to me years ago as our energy floating upwards instead of staying evenly distributed within our bodies and chakra systems from head to sacrum. Anxiety is one of the first signs of being un-grounded - felt as our energy crowding around our stomachs, chest, and face. When we are un-grounded we feel flighty, scattered, un-focused, and, again, anxious. We use words and phrases such as "off-kilter", "scattered", "knocked off my square", "taken by surprise." So, what do we do?

Learning to recognize when our energies have become scattered allows us to intervene with various grounding techniques and help us cope and "bring ourselves back down." However, waiting to address the issue once it has peaked takes significantly more energy than addressing it before it happens. Before we can prophylacticly ground our energy we need to know our triggers - the things that un-ground us. This is done with simple observation or awareness. Reflect back on times you felt most anxious or scattered. Which type of situations jump out to you - a meeting with the boss, sleeping in the house alone, visiting the in-laws? The list of possibilities are infinite and as individual as we are. 

For me, I can easily become scattered and un-grounded while shopping, especially during busy times of the day or year. My prophylactic grounding techniques include carrying a variety of stones, dabbing essential oils on my wrists and ankles, or dropping Bach Flower Essences under my tongue. The first thing I do before leaving is check-in with my energy and know my limits for that day - can I visit four to five stores or do I need get in and get out with just a couple? I will also give myself physical energy by eating a small snack such as a protein bar, earthy vegetables, or handful of nuts. I try to never go into a situation that is likely to scatter my energy without some food in my body; eating is a common way of grounding and mindfulness if often needed to not over-indulge. If I found myself feeling anxious despite my best efforts, I take a deep breath and feel my feet on the ground. I ask the Earth to ground me into it's center and imagine a beautiful gold cord from my root chakra traveling down to the deepest parts of the earth, exhale, and carry on. If no specific moments come to you right now, be aware this next week or so and take note of your surroundings and thoughts the next time you find yourself feeling anything less solid and focused. 

Taking just a moment of mindfulness and giving ourselves what we need can bring us back to center rather quickly. Maybe we need to step outside, or say something we've been holding back. It could be that we need to sit on a bench in the mall beside the water fountain while someone else looks around or excuse ourselves from a conversation. The Earth grounds us, often referred to as Mother Earth, she gives us all our basic needs - food, shelter, oxygen, and water - an endless supply of nurturing and support. She is always happy to connect and nourish us. In return, we could pick up that piece of trash blowing across the parking lot or decline a bag for our items we could carry easily - two simple examples among hundreds we could use to help take care of the source that takes care of us every day. 

Arrival

It's surreal. I have laid my wet face on floors similar to these at various times in my life with emotions ranging from exasperation to liberation. I have walked on them nervous with fear, cocky with confidence, and danced with every space in between. There is no defeat without a decision to quit. It's still empty, but already pulls at me to seek solace in it's walls, as I have for the last decade. Nothing has brought me closer to facing my rawest self like moments spent here. The gym is my sanctuary, my retreat - a doorway to my simplest self.

It all started 9 years ago with one simple question, why was I overweight? The answers that came literally changed my life. This space has been a dream of mine for the last 5 years and to see it manifest is deeply humbling and stirs the greatest sense of gratitude within me. The last two years have been spent gathering the pieces of my life back and reconnecting my sense of self, all while building a life with a woman who truly brings out the best in me. I hope and pray I do the same for her. Being here, in this moment, in this space, I find myself emotional, empowered, & inspired - like so many of those who led me here. This is part of who I am. And I am better for it.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Let Me See Your Bones

I left my new hypnotherapist's office today in sunshine and a light jacket. It was beautiful. I had just given her a synopsis of my life starting with the now, my current desire to heal an unhealthy relationship with food as to not pass it on to my children, and in doing so, hoping to release myself of some underlying negative emotions and anxieties. Maybe it's the other way around, either way, it was were I started. I admitted to being cognizant of the potentiality of unknown things coming from under the 65 extra pounds I started collecting in 2012. Leaning back into the last 5 years I filled her in on my move to Saint Johns, and where I was physically, mentally, and  spiritually just before I embarked on that journey. I felt whole, solid, strong, balanced. I left feeling lost, depleted, & alone. I gave a her a reluctant summary of my relationship before my marriage, doing my best not to give away the teensy bit of bitterness and blame that creeps to the surface from time to time. My father, my Mother, my brother - all sprinkled about. My job, the move, my marriage touched on here and there. Sobriety - the catalyst ignited almost a decade ago, how could we not discus such a poignant part of my story? My arrival and my departure from those tables; we touched on that for a bit. After sobriety came the end of the smoking, then the beginning of the weight loss. Then back to adolescence, again, what about your Father, your Mother, your brother? She jotted down my wife's name, my profession, my kids name. Her pencil continued to pen. A decades worth of tools I had gathered for grounding, clearing, healing, releasing, overcoming - they all seemed to make her list.

I left feeling utterly grateful; I left feeling utterly free. I was grateful to be here, at this point in my life when I could share all of this, and keep moving gracefully forward. Love filled my heart as I thought of the people I had known along this path that has been my amazing & beautiful life. Because those are the moments I choose to define my life - those of overcoming, of grace, of healing. I drove the on-ramp heading west and felt a handful of other emotions wash through me like a bucket of holy water cascading down my insides. Not necessarily because of anything she or I had said, or anything in particular that had happened, but a divinely timed opening. I had been willing. I had been open. At some point over the last 2 years I had managed to release enough of the guilt, anger, and blame to walk a little lighter and a little more receptive.

We have all made mistakes and wondered how we got wherever we go, why we chose what we chose, and why we didn't change it sooner. It's easy to be angry at ourselves and other people, but that anger keeps us stuck. Our lives truly go in the direction our mind goes, our thoughts are constantly creating future experiences.

Today, I felt I had my life back. It was unexpected, but welcomed with open arms.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Humility Busts Back

It has taken me roughly 15 minutes - two bathroom trips, a handful of failed computer log ins on multiple computers, the feeding of two starving cats, and the brewing of one cup of coffee - to get, here.

I've never considered myself a morning person. I'm pretty sure I don't even consider myself a morning person now, but I've become accustomed to playing the part. The allure of alone time - meditation, writing, yoga, cardio - has been pulling me out of bed sometimes an hour before when I absolutely needed to be. Even I can't believe it some mornings.

My life is coming back to me. The me that I fought for and found 6 years ago is resurfacing, and I couldn't be happier. "If I can be an example of getting sober, than I can be an example of starting over." Macklemore said that. And although, he is obviously talking about alcohol sobriety, it works just as well in a multitude of life circumstances.For me, it's food. It's giving myself the things I need to stay clear and grounded; it's loving, listening, and taking care of my body. It's breathing & letting go. It's not picking up the cookie just because it's there, or shoving my face with a whole bag of chips while scrolling through facebook or watching TV. For me, it's about showing up to the gym, being accountable, and giving my best. I've been hovering around 80% effort these last several years when I do show up which has been inconsistent at best.. And I've been yielding those results.

With Grace & Gratitude