"You will destroy yourself to make other people feel better." - My Therapist
At the end of the day, I'm mad at myself for being here. In this place where I don't recognize the person in the mirror, ashamed and angry with the choices I've made and the sacrifices I've chosen along with those choices. I want to be mad at my partner, but I'm mostly mad at my self.
I am angry bc I feel like I should have known better. I should have been able to change the course of this. God knows I fucking tried. I knew, between that 5th and 6th year we would come to a turning point in our relationship and the outcome wasn't certain. I knew it would be related to her feeling resentful bc she hadn't spoken up for herself or voiced her needs or wants and she would wake up one day and be mad as hell at me for it. And she did, she was, and here we are. I tried for years to stop it. I tried to tell her this was coming, and tried to get her to speak up and change this daunting forecast, but she couldn't. We couldn't. In hindsight, I suppose all the pieces weren't where they needed to be. I've lost myself in this. Like a frog in a slow boiling pot - I didn't realize where I was until it was too late to draw back with ease. I was fucked. I felt fucked anyway. I remember talking to my PCP a few months after she blew our fucking lives apart and I spoke openly about how I just wanted to not hate her when all this was over. I wanted to be okay when she figured out her shit. I knew I this is where I would be, and it was scary, so I exhausted myself to not be here - yet here I am - I'm angry. I did this work already. I didn't want to do it again. At this point in my life I just wanted to be enjoying my family, love myself, and working on my career and life path. I was doing exactly that until she hit me like a train with how she wasn't happy. My security, joy, excitement, confidence, etc was blown out like a candle before midnight. I was suddenly filled with fear and confusion.
A few days ago a question came to me as I thought about this dark place I was in just recently, and silently blamed her for taking me there. I was reminded of all those times I had said in my life I believed I had went through hell to help show others the way out. I was asked that even if I had known where I would end up - lost and alone, in a darkness I equate to new sobriety while she sat on the other side... free - would I have consciously chosen to do this? My answer was yes. Of course I would have. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. I have climbed out of worse places, and I think I ultimately did choose this. I ran back into a metaphorical burning building to get her, risking everything I was, because I didn't want to do this life without her. Because I refused to leave her there to suffer alone. But I don't think she gets that. In her book, I don't quite meet the mark because I appear aloof and unreliable - too much like her mom. I don't feel I get credit for the real deep shit that I do on emotional and spiritual levels for her, myself, and us as a team. I equate it to Robin William's What Dreams May Come. He sacrificed everything, was terrified, but searched literal hell for the women he loved, even though, he knew she wouldn't know him when he got there.
Me replaying life events and feeling like I should have been able to stop something, or I should have known how or been able to do better, has been a recurring theme that creates a lot of internalized anger. I get mad and punish myself for not knowing better, for falling victim to the world, to love, and to fear. I came to the conclusion that my psychic abilities will not allow me to avoid or change fated life experiences. I'm going to type that again. My psychic abilities will not allow me to avoid or change fated life experiences. I am not responsible for these events just because I saw them coming. I am not responsible for fixing or preventing them just because I knew they were coming and when. Under the anger, there is a truth and understanding that I was meant to go through this, I was meant ot be here again within the confines of a committed relationship. It was just as much a part of my path as it was hers. I had to find my internal boundaries. Until I am able to know and stick to those internal boundaries and not feel guilt or shame about that, I believe I will carry more weight than what is considered normal and healthy. Sitting is uncomfortable to me. Tying my shoes feels like a chore. Getting out of bed in the morning makes me sad because of how slow and painful my body feels. How did I get here? How did I allow myself to get here? Shouldn't I have known better? No.
I will come out of this a better person - more balanced, confident, lighter, clearer, happier. I really want to quit real-estate. I want to release the anger I am harboring towards myself. I want to forgive myself and move on.
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