People are Precious

I read a quote today that basically said, don't be upset about where you are at any given moment, every season of your life has reason; what is that reason?

The question at the end might have been my own. It's easy for me to bust up my life into small seasons and move through them methodically - when I moved to Michigan, when I got sober, when we moved in together, the summer before we got married, when I started at Mclaren, when we bought the house. Tiny little chunks of my life categorized and navigated. I read that quote today and thought about the things I wanted in my life right now - be healthier, get pregnant, have more confidence in my abilities to do the things I love, relax a little, let things go. I have suddenly felt aged the last few years. Being in my thirties has probably been the best years of my life so far - the healthiest, the happiest, the most stable & secure. And I'm content. I have my moments; anxiety likes to make itself known at times. It's easy for me to reference when I was thinner, before I moved to Lansing, when I was with so and so. But what about right now? The relationships I have now won't be there forever. These moments I share with people in my life I care about, won't always be here. What really matters? What doesn't? I have a hard time allowing relationships to change. I often find myself nostalgic, sad, and fearful - did I do something? Could I have been a better friend? Why didn't I enjoy those moments a little more? - the thoughts that run through my mind when I think of old friends, old co-workers, old trainers. People are precious but keeping up with them all can be exhausting, fighting the natural laws of change is really what's exhausting. There's a reason relationships evolve and change. But I don't have to feel like it's my fault or shouldn't happen. Who am I to say what should or shouldn't happen? There's always a bigger plan.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Going at it Alone - Being My Own Trainer

There comes a time when the road your traveling must be traveled alone. I have known for some time that I posses the knowledge base and motivation to create and carry out my own fitness program. Yet, I have let fear and insecurity hold me back. All the what if's and maybe later's have stalled my progress, squelched my personal power, and aided me in standing stagnant in confusion and self-pity. Over the last nine years, I've paid thousands of dollars in gym fees and siphoned through 7 trainers. It took every bit of five years to let it all go and trust myself. To my left is our home gym complete with black rubber tile floors, my two favorite cardio machines, two barbells, 350lbs of plates, a squat rack, and a handful of ancillary equipment - dumbells, wallballs, kettlebells. It's surreal. The gym became part of who I was years ago when sobriety, self-awareness, and good health became a priority. I found myself on those black tile floors, panting, face down with sweat collecting before my very eyes reflecting back to me the hard work of the process. I just finished a workout I put together a few days ago. Logged and counted, I am here reflecting. It's fucking hard, but necessary - for me anyways. I have relied for a very long time on the motivation, inspiration, and creativity of others to give me specified results. This has not worked for me for at-least 3 years. It was not for lack of effort, ability, or support from those I asked to help me. I had to do something different. The voice of my soul has urged for sometime for me to reach deep within myself and find all those things I sought - motivation, inspiration, creativity. What worked before, didn't work again. Learning to let something go when it no longer fits or works has been the lesson here. A long, constant series of aggravating but not terribly painful road blocks. Surrender, not surprisingly, has become my last but only real option. I knew it was coming, but I fought, as I usually do and sought out new trainers, new programs, bitched and whined, felt sorry for myself, and refused to accept what I knew was the next step. Here. Relying on myself, but open to community. Both are one day at time successions, one stronger than the other at the moment. The process. It's always a process, and always about today with visions of tomorrow, no further.

With Grace & Gratitude...